The Milltary Wife Using Deployment as an Excuse to Kill

Deployment sucks. I'm not going to lie. It really does. And there are LOTs of situations in which "my husband is deployed" is a perfectly acceptable excuse for why something got neglected or forgotten. Late for school? Sure. Forgot ball practice? Absolutely. Had to eat fast food dinner three nights in a row? Uh-huh. Shoes don't match? Of course. Kill my kid? Um...........

I remember reading about this when it first happened but apparently the trial is about to start. To catch up anyone who might have missed it, this military wife names Tiffany Klapheke allowed her  22 month old child to starve to death in a filth-ridden home reeking of urine and feces. She blames the death on the fact that no one helped or supported her while her husband was deployed and that she was stressed out from caring for her three small children...she has three children and she is only 22 herself. REALLY?!?!?!?!?!?

The first problem with that is that she had moved a BOYFRIEND into the house while her husband was gone. She apparently had time for him but not time to feed her almost 2 year old...you know, the kid that can TALK...can beg for food. This isn't an, "I feel asleep and the baby wandered outside and fell in the pool". She (and the boyfriend...who swears he had no idea that the child was in the other room starving...ok whatever) ignored the child's cries and pleas, not for hours or for a day....for DAYS. Plural. The child had chemical burns on her bottom from the feces and urine of the unchanged diaper.

But here is my biggest problem. Since when does taking even MINIMUM care of the kids you chose to have become the Army's responsibility? I bet if she had ASKED for help or let anyone know she was struggling, people would have come. It is a very convenient excuse. Family Support Groups exist for a reason. But it isn't anyone else's RESPONSIBILITY to care for those children.

I'm going to be honest. I haven't always had the best luck with people helping me. I never got more than one meal delivered when I had a baby. No one from my husband's command showed up when I miscarried my first baby. When my husband deployed the first time, I went out alone maybe 4 times, even though I had family living close by. When I thought we were getting divorced, people ran from me like I had the plague. When he was deployed this last time, I was working fulltime, going to grad school at night, shuttling kids to activities after school every day of the week, and still cooking and cleaning and managing to keep people alive without much help. When Rick had his back surgery, no one brought meals or asked if I needed anything or came with me while I sat alone in the waiting room in another city. But you know what? I NEVER ASKED EITHER. I bet people would have helped if they knew I needed it, and I DID need it. But when you look strong and act like you have it all together, people forget to offer.

There are all kind of programs out there at ACS (Army Community Service) for deployed families. Free childcare hours, free dinners monthly with childcare provided, parenting classes, counseling, etc. She didn't avail herself of any of that. It is really easy to try to use the Army as a scapegoat for this child's death, but that is not even one bit fair.

This is the face of Tamryn Klapheke:

These are the little eyes that cried from hunger until she got too weak to do that anymore. This is the face of the child that was just too big a burden for her selfish, ridiculous bitch of a mother to care for. This didn't happen because Tamryn's daddy was deployed; this happened because Tamryn's mom is evil. I don't have any other words for it. 

Don't Be a Jerkface. Seriously.

I have decided that while some of us were learning manners from our parents, other people were being raised by wolves....and not polite wolves. Actually wolves are too nice....more like snarling, rabid, mutant kodiak bears with a taste for human flesh.

And nowhere is this more evident that at the mall or Walmart or Target. There are just some things that you just DON'T do. They are rude, folks. And if you are guilty, change. :)

1. If you bump into me in the mall, say excuse me. 

2. If you see people coming the opposite direction, move over enough to make room so that you don't HAVE to bump into anyone. If that means that you and your 12 friends have to walk single file for 30 seconds, deal with it. 

3. You do not have to scream at each other to be heard. You also don't have to laugh obnoxiously loud. You may not realize that we all KNOW you are just trying to get everyone's attention, but we do. It is stupid; stop.

4. When coming out of a side aisle into the main aisle, look first. Pretend you are in your car. It will avoid us crashing our carts into each other. If I am in the main aisle, I shouldn't have to watch for you.

5. If you take your cart to the parking lot, put it in the cart return. The 10 extra steps it takes isn't the end of the world. That is just laziness. If you don't want to walk far, do what I do and park next to the cart return.

6. Do not walk down the middle of the parking lot aisle. I should not have to go 1 mile an hour behind you while you saunter to your vehicle.  Pick a side. You aren't royalty...you aren't that important.

7. When walking down aisles or climbing stairs, stay to the right. Again, just like in your car. Then there wouldn't be a traffic jam.

8. Hold the door for people if they are right behind you...no matter your gender or theirs. 

9. Do not leave your trash in the cart for someone else to deal with. Clean up after yourself. 

10. If you decide against buying something, put it back where you got it (esp if it is a refrigerated or frozen item)

11. DO NOT SPIT OUT GUM ON THE GROUND!!!!! EVER EVER EVER

12. Be kind to the cashiers and other workers...whether they are working hard or not. Be friendly, say hello, ask how their day has been, and try not to talk on the phone while checking out. Treat them like PEOPLE.  

13. Stop driving around and around the parking lot looking for a better space. If you have to walk a few extra feet, so what? Generally speaking, the people I observe doing this the most are the people who could most use the exercise. 

14. And don't let your kid tear around the store causing mayhem. If you have chosen to go to the store during what should be your child's naptime or late at night, you cannot then yell at, spank, or berate your child for acting out. YOU are the one who is wrong. (and as an addendum, stop telling your child over and over to stop doing something. Either actually make your child stop or give up. The rest of us don't want to listen to you yell "stop touching that" 500 times. Move him or take it away)

Basically, just use common courtesy. But that isn't so common anymore. 

Losing My Mind? Maybe, Maybe Not :)

You know those times when you are a stay-at-home mom and you find yourself in the middle of doing something REALLY less than sexy? Like...oh I don't know...scrubbing vomit out of the carpet while humming the Dora theme song? Stuff like that.

I really thought those days were long past.

I thought I was past the indignities of children blurting out random TMI or inappropriate observations about other adults around us.

I thought I was done wiping bottoms, noses, tying shoes.

But just today I found myself singing the following (TO MYSELF DURING MY PLANNING PERIOD):

The phone. The phone is ringing.
The phone. We'll be right there.
The phone. The phone is ringing.
There's an animal in trouble.
There's an animal in trouble.
There's an animal in trouble somewhere.

WOW. 

For those of you not hip enough to know, that's the Wonderpets theme. You know, these guys. 

WTH??

I'm too cool for that. 

I listen to AUDIOSLAVE. I have a MASTERS DEGREE. I go to CROSSFIT. I BOX. I'm an INTELLECTUAL for goodness sake. 

Wonderpets?!? SMH.

And today I said all of the following things:

"Please don't use my shirt to wipe your nose"

"Go get your secret box"

"I don't know where that Lego has been"

"Don't eat glue"

"Yes, I do think it would hurt for someone to climb your hair"

"Please don't throw the peanut"

"You can't just throw the food you don't want on the floor and then say it is trash"

"You can turn into a cat and scratch me all you want, but you still have to get off the computer"

This could be the degradation of my mind....or the best time of my life. 

Who knew that I would get so much pleasure out of teaching these little people whose internal processors have gone haywire? Who knew that I was going to love being immersed in their world so much? Who knew that I was going to just live for those very fleeting moments when I actually get a split second of eye contact and hear those magical words, "Hi, Henry!" 

I really love my job. 

Military Children and What That Means

April was the month of the military child...but my April was a little crazy and I never got to blog about it. So I'm going to try to catch up today.

I bet most of you in the civilian world had no idea that April was the month of the military child. Since it was Autism Awareness Month and Child Abuse Awareness Month as well, it is easy to miss. When you live on post and are part of a military family, the month of the military child get a lot of airplay. There are special free activities and giveaways, and the kids are really given recognition for thriving wherever they are planted. But in the "regular" world, military children don't often get treated as though they are special in any way....and while I am not trying to say that somehow MY children are more special than any other children, military children as a whole live a very different life and sometimes need to be honored for the things they endure and the sacrifices they are forced to make.

My husband signed on for this life. He wasn't forced; he wasn't drafted. He knew for a long time that this was the choice he was going to make...to serve his country and his fellow man. I don't mean to sound like some kind of propaganda film, but for my husband it REALLY was that altruistic. He is truly a good, moral, upstanding man....I think he might even be a great man although he's going to hate me saying that.

I signed on for this too. I knew when we were dating that he was going to get commissioned. I knew if I married him, it meant potentially living all over the world. I knew I would have to face deployments, weird living conditions, and not living near family. I knew I would have LOTS of jobs, but never a career of my own. I knew that it would mean starting over every three years or so. Did I always truly understand that? Not at all. But I knew and I made my choice.

But my kids....they did not have the luxury of making a choice.

The way I have justified that to myself is by saying, "They don't know any different," but in reality that is a lie. They didn't know the difference as long as we lived on post, but once we moved out into the regular civilian world, they instantly knew. So in reality, Sarah has known since she was five and Nick definitely since he was 7.

They are army brats....and don't be offended. BRAT to me means "Being raised in the army tradition". It really is positive. It is a tradition, and it is a special club. Really only other army brats understand their lives. I wouldn't be surprised if my kids told me that they are more comfortable with friends who also have a parent in the army....I have never heard them say that, but I would totally get it if they did.

Nick and Sarah have been to five different schools in five different states; by army standards, that isn't very many. Their dad has been deployed twice for a total of 18 months; that is ALSO not a lot. They have been fortunate.  But that doesn't change the fact that they have to recreate their lives every three years; they have to leave behind friends. They never get to put down roots.

They can never answer the question "Where are you from?" They have a really hard time remembering what things happened in which duty station. Playing on the same sports teams with the same coaches year after year will never happen.

They don't grow up going to grandma's house on Sundays or all the holidays....in fact, they don't REALLY know most of their relatives too well. Most of our family doesn't visit much, so they really only see the relatives when we travel to them.

And despite those things, they are really awesome, resilient, well-adjusted human beings. They are moral, kind-hearted, smart, responsible (except around the house), and funny. They handle all the changes in their lives with aplomb...far better than I do sometimes and CERTAINLY better than I would have as a kid.

They are absolutely the light of my life.

A Happy Message for a Rough Day

I have been suffering from a building migraine all day long. It tends to happen when the barometric pressure changes, and it is just a fact I have to live with. So I choose to search for the things that are happy and positive when I feel like my head is about to explode. :) Like the fact that I have eight more school days until my spring break trip to Kansas. Yay!

So today I am going to focus again on one of my favorite topics.....love. When I decide to love someone, it is fierce, deep, and forever. I am not given to doing things halfway. I didn't date a lot and I don't have a lot of friends---mostly because I don't fool around and I don't waste time on relationships that are just going to be superficial.

So....when I heard the song "Soldier" by Gavin DeGraw the first time, I wanted to cry because it more or less sums up EVERYTHING about me. When I am your friend, I am willing to go to great lengths to "be there". That is really important for me. And the truth is, you need to let me be there; that is very fulfilling for me. The only thing I ask in return is that you be there for me too.

Here's the problem with me though. I have a really hard time asking people for what I want and need. I don't like to be an inconvenience or a bother, and I am so sensitive to that that I will try everything else before asking for help. This is why sometimes people think I can't handle "no". It really isn't that. The truth is that I hold it all back so long that by the time I finally find something important enough to ask about, it is SO important that if the person says no, it crushes me. Plus, I rarely tell anyone "no"....I haven't told my BFF no in the whole 11 years I have known her.

So I decided to give the sign language thing another go...even though I am pretty bad at it. I signed "Soldier" as a nod to the people I love....my family and friends. If I have ever been there when you needed me, then chances are I always will be.

My Effort at Sign Language as Tribute to the Sweetest Girl

I thought I would post this video as a tribute to my dear sweet friend Josie Carlton. You inspired me to give it a try. Please don't anyone think this is some kind of cry for help...I picked the song becuase it was SLOW, EASY, and pretty. LOL

Lent Post: Is It OK to Be Mad at God?

I was tempted to start off this blog entry by asking if any of you had ever been angry with God...but I'm not going to do that. If I ask that, I am just setting you up to lie. I fully believe that EVERYONE has been angry with God at one time or another, but a lot of you out there would probably not want to admit it. I'm not really sure why....

Maybe the deal is that it makes us feel unfaithful. If you REALLY think about it, though, that line of thought makes no sense. If we didn't BELIEVE in God and His power, then we wouldn't be angry with Him. You can't be angry with something or someone you don't even believe exists.

I'm angry with God right now. I will freely admit that to you. Really really angry.

And I certainly don't want to hear all the platitudes..TRUST ME...I've heard them.

First, let me say this....God can handle us being angry. It really isn't any different from when we as parents deal with our toddlers having a tantrum. We don't stop loving our children when they have tantrums. We simply realize that it is a developmental response to frustration...to not being able to truly articulate their needs, to not be able to understand why they are not the center of the universe. Is it all that different from us? We can't understand God's methods or the larger plan...and sometimes that makes us frustrated, angry, and confused. (If you are interested in reading more about this from someone much more respected and learned than I am, read the book When Bad Things Happen to Good People)

I am all those things right now. I am confused and angry and frustrated. There are days when I feel like a three year old pounding my fists on the ground. I don't understand what God intends, and I cannot make sense of the things being placed in my path. I feel lost. And, boy oh boy, have I been telling him about it!

Still nothing.

And I'm still angry.

But eventually I figure God will let me in on SOME part of the plan. At least I hope so. And I keep praying, even if they aren't the sweetest of prayers. At least they are honest. At least I am not trying to hide from God the feelings He already KNOWS I'm having. What point would there be in lying to Him AND myself? I'm not going to be one of those people who goes around spouting how blessed I am while keeping my disappointment and frustration all bottled up in a tiny corner of my heart....for it to just grow and grow into something dark and ugly. I'm going to drag it out into the light and embrace it. God can handle it.