Admitting this makes me feel like a giant fraud. I'm embarrassed about it. It makes me feel so weak.
But I just got overwhelmed with stuff. And I did what people like me do when we get stuck in that place, I hid. I hid because I don't want to bring anyone down. I hid because I don't want people to see me as a burden. I hid because basically I am afraid of people, of rejection, of being alone. WAIT. WHAT? I hid out in my house most of the summer because I'm afraid of being alone? Hid from some of the people that mean the very most to me. That makes NO sense, but that's the conundrum of depression. Uh-uh....this isn't the face of depression....
Well, um, is THIS the face of depression?
I'm REALLY not good at asking for help or admitting that I'm scared or feeling alone. Obviously I'm not good at it. People don't even seem to know I'm asking. You remember that time I thought my daughter was paralyzed from a sledding accident and I was sitting in the ER waiting room by myself? No? Weird. What about when my husband's surgery had gone on three hours too long and I was in the waiting room alone in a strange city and scared to death? No? What about when the doctor told me I had a tumor growing in my nasal passage? Or when Nick couldn't stop vomiting? Or when Rick's bone graft failed? Or when I thought Rick's career was over? Or when I thought my MARRIAGE was over?
Oh, and I push people away. And I wait for people to call ME or text ME; I feel like if I am always the one to call or text, it is because my friends don't want to be bothered. I wonder if people miss me. I obsess over it. And I really worried that a relationship had ended this summer because I couldn't overcome the inertia and fear...
The only person who consistently forces me out of hiding is Erin but she has had 30 years of practice and somehow she just KNOWS. But the truth is, I'm really trying to do better. If I have ever said to you that I am feeling completely alone or I'm struggling or something like that, I'm trying to reach out. And I don't do that to just anyone. If I have said that to you, then I love and trust you immensely. I don't trust many people. And if I have ever admitted being scared, then I must love you above all else because that is something I almost never say.
I have even forced MYSELF out of hiding several times this summer.....YAY ME! I have also stepped out and asked people to come see me and come do things with me, which opens me up to the rejection I fear so much. It's hard but I'm doing it; I just need to get to the point that people can really HEAR me. I wish Robin Williams had felt he could reach out and make himself heard too. I bet he had TONS of friends who would've been there if they had understood. I bet I do too. :)
And please don't let me push any of you away. No matter what it looks like, I DON'T want that. It would break my heart.
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