Sometimes I'm a Bad Person

Yep. Today is one of those days.

I really try to be a good person. I do. I try.

I pray every day for God to help me be a better person. I give of myself until I'm exhausted. I do things I don't want to because it is the good, decent, right thing to do. I share practically everything....I stop everything to help other people.

But some days, my inner bitch sees something or hears something that JUST. SENDS. ME. OVER. THE. EDGE.

And you don't want to see me go over the edge.

The problem is, the stuff that makes this happen is so stupid. And basically it always come down to the same thing....hating someone for no good reason. And that has happened to me again this week.

Oh I have REASONS. Don't misunderstand. Just no GOOD ones. :) 

I read this today:

And OMG. I want to argue with that so badly. I want to say, "No but see....". The truth is though that I can't even begin to argue with that. As laughable as this sounds, this morning Pinterest has exposed "the man behind the curtain". (Yes, yes, I too had to ignore the poor grammar in the quote, but I will live....)

Please tell me you guys have at least occasionally felt this way. I hate someone who is really nice. Whom I don't even really know. Who has done nothing to me. This makes me awful. Doesn't it?!?

But have you ever met one of those people who gets EVERYTHING you want but isn't even trying? That achieves a level of popularity, success, notariety, or love that you might have been working toward for YEARS?!?

That no matter how much you do, no matter how far out there you put yourself, you will never get noticed or get back the love that he or she gets. (Oh, who am I kidding?!? You know it is a chick. Women don't feel this way toward guys.) And it is just effortless. Nothing I do is effortless. Every single interaction I have with people takes some sort of effort. It isn't natural for me. Not saying that I don't WANT to interact with people, just that it isn't so easy for me. 

And did I mention that she is nice?!?

At least in high school when I hated every single girl who got into a sorority, most of those girls acted like they could see right through me. I'm sure they were really nice too, but I could pretend that they were all bitches because rarely did any of them talk to me much. 

But I'm GROWN. How can I be this way? How can I be so insecure, so jealous, so ridiculous about someone I barely know....or anyone period? How can I be so threatened by someone who clearly does not even know that we are having this pretend competition? Better yet, why am I in a PRETEND competition in my own head with someone I don't even know? 

I will tell you why. It is because I am dreadfully insecure and waiting daily for people in my life to tell me what a failure I am and how they only deal with me out of pity. How nothing I do is good enough or worth anything. How they don't really want to spend any time with me. How I am not really good at what I do. How I am not smart enough, funny enough, happy-go-lucky enough. How our relationship is just to onerous. 

But whose problem is that? Certainly not the people I hate for no good reason. 

So I will keep praying and keep trying. Keep getting up every day and dealing with these feelings...dealing with this person with the kindness that she deserves. I will grit my teeth and keep forging ahead until I overcome these feelings and can see her for the person she really is instead of what she represents in my life.