Confessional Time: How I Spent My Summer

Today is the one year anniversary of Robin Williams's death, and it has me thinking. Without making myself sound like Picasso or anything, I have had a Blue Period this summer.

Admitting this makes me feel like a giant fraud. I'm embarrassed about it. It makes me feel so weak.

But I just got overwhelmed with stuff. And I did what people like me do when we get stuck in that place, I hid. I hid because I don't want to bring anyone down. I hid because I don't want people to see me as a burden. I hid because basically I am afraid of people, of rejection, of being alone. WAIT. WHAT? I hid out in my house most of the summer because I'm afraid of being alone? Hid from some of the people that mean the very most to me. That makes NO sense, but that's the conundrum of depression. Uh-uh....this isn't the face of depression....

Well, um, is THIS the face of depression?

I'm REALLY not good at asking for help or admitting that I'm scared or feeling alone. Obviously I'm not good at it. People don't even seem to know I'm asking. You remember that time I thought my daughter was paralyzed from a sledding accident and I was sitting in the ER waiting room by myself? No? Weird. What about when my husband's surgery had gone on three hours too long and I was in the waiting room alone in a strange city and scared to death? No? What about when the doctor told me I had a tumor growing in my nasal passage? Or when Nick couldn't stop vomiting? Or when Rick's bone graft failed?  Or when I thought Rick's career was over? Or when I thought my MARRIAGE was over? 

Oh, and I push people away. And I wait for people to call ME or text ME; I feel like if I am always the one to call or text, it is because my friends don't want to be bothered. I wonder if people miss me. I obsess over it. And I really worried that a relationship had ended this summer because I couldn't overcome the inertia and fear...

The only person who consistently forces me out of hiding is Erin but she has had 30 years of practice and somehow she just KNOWS. But the truth is, I'm really trying to do better. If I have ever said to you that I am feeling completely alone or I'm struggling or something like that, I'm trying to reach out. And I don't do that to just anyone. If I have said that to you, then I love and trust you immensely. I don't trust many people. And if I have ever admitted being scared, then I must love you above all else because that is something I almost never say. 

I have even forced MYSELF out of hiding several times this summer.....YAY ME! I have also stepped out and asked people to come see me and come do things with me, which opens me up to the rejection I fear so much. It's hard but I'm doing it; I just need to get to the point that people can really HEAR me. I wish Robin Williams had felt he could reach out and make himself heard too. I bet he had TONS of friends who would've been there if they had understood. I bet I do too. :)

And please don't let me push any of you away. No matter what it looks like, I DON'T want that. It would break my heart. 

The Indiana Conundrum...And Consequences

As is the case with many hot button issues in our world, the situation with Memories Pizza in Walkerton, Indiana causes a knee-jerk reaction in many of us. It certainly did with me. How DARE they discriminate against that couple! Why, the outrage was REAL!!!

But before people started boycotting their restaurant and such, maybe we should study what we are asking of them more closely because the situation isn't as easy as it might seem.

DISCLAIMER: Before anyone gets his/her panties all in a bunch, I'm only trying to show where the holes are in our logic. I'm not agreeing with the O'Connors' beliefs or espousing them myself. Everyone should know by now where I stand on gay marriage and homosexuality in general, but I HAVE to show you guys the can of worms we are opening here.

OK. So people seem to want the pizza place to be FORCED to cater a gay wedding. Even though it flies in the face of the religious beliefs of the people who own the restaurant. Sure OK, I hear you. You want to compare it to racial discrimination and not being able to sit at the lunch counter, etc. The first question that pops into my mind is this: Why would you want someone to cater your wedding who doesn't WANT to? I know that makes me sound like someone who has never suffered discrimination, and for the most part, that is true. It is the principle of it, I understand.

But now for something a little more pertinent: This gay couple is asking the proprietors of said restaurant to indirectly take part in a religious ceremony (even if the couple doesn't see it as a religious ceremony, most Christians see marriage as a religious rite sanctioned by God...a covenant before God...a sacrament) which is DIRECTLY in opposition with their beliefs. To "participate" in a religious ceremony that to some people amounts to near heresy. Just because we might believe that their beliefs are WRONG doesn't mean they can't have them. And those beliefs are protected under the Constitution. Now I get it that a business is not really supposed to have a faith....but the Hobby Lobby decision muddies those waters considerably.

The O'Connors have been very honest about what they believe. They do NOT discriminate against anyone who enters their restaurant to eat-all are welcome, but they don't want to be forced to participate in a gay wedding, even indirectly. Mr. O'Connor has stated that if he had a gay child, he would love that child but would NOT attend his/her wedding. And he has a right to hold those beliefs.

But now to the REAL CRUX of the matter: What will it really mean if businesses are forced to provide services to gay couples? OK HERE'S what it will mean. If companies cannot decline services based on religious beliefs, then if the Westboro Baptist Church people show up on your doorstep and want you to cater a huge anti-gay rally, you will HAVE to do it. If someone walks into your bakery and orders a cake that says, "Congratulations on your abortion; now you are going to hell", you will HAVE to make it. If you are a wedding planner and someone wants you to plan a satanist wedding complete with pentagrams and goat blood, you will HAVE to do it. It might even mean that if you are a Muslim or Jewish caterer, you might have to make and serve pork. I know those examples are ridiculous, but I'm using something extreme to show where this can go.

I HATE the idea that gay couples are being discriminated against because I don't really understand why everyone can't just live and let live. But problems arise when people want to protect ONE group, but sneer at others. I want to sneer at those groups too; they disgust me. But once we make a law about something, we will not be able to cherry pick to whom it will apply. And that isn't GOOD OR BAD...just equal. We have to be ready to trample people's beliefs equally...not JUST fundamentalist Christians. This is a much more complicated issue than just gay marriage.

Thoughts About Friendship and Love at Christmas

Last night, I was having a conversation with my mom about the nature of true friendship. It isn't really a traditional topic for us on Christmas Day, but it just came up because Mom had something on her mind....musings about how differently people view friendship and what that means. Then, "coincidentally" the same topic came up while I was watching Dr. Who.

Doctor Who - Season 8 - Dark Water

Clara: You’re going to help me?
The Doctor: Well, why wouldn’t I help you?
Clara: Cos of what I just did. I just…
The Doctor: You betrayed me. Betrayed my trust, you betrayed our friendship, you betrayed everything that I’ve ever stood for. You let me down!
Clara: Then why are you helping me?
The Doctor: Why? Do you think I care for you so little that betraying me would make a difference?

Those of you who really know me will know that the reason for the quotation marks is that I don't believe in coincidence.

This tiny Dr. Who segment might be the truest statement about the nature of love that I have ever heard. It's just......fact. I have a handful of friends in my life (two really) who I can honestly say that I doubt that betrayal would change a thing. I don't do love with a contingency plan. There is no pre-nup or backup plan. I don't love them and do things for them with a checklist of what they must do in return.

And on occasion, I've been let down. It happens. Nothing is perfect. There have been times that I haven't gotten back the care and love I have put in. There are times when I have felt left out, neglected, or ignored. That just happens. BUT there have been lots more times that I have gotten back what I put in in ABUNDANCE. But that ISN'T really the point at all. Friendship isn't really about what you are going to receive....you know, like Christmas.

Love is an action. Love is a promise. And friendship is a deep promise in my world. In some ways, it could seem like such a risk. Friends are not bound to you by some contract. You don't have to divorce a friend. Theoretically, there is nothing to keep you from turning your back and walking away from your friend (who without friendship is nothing more than a random stranger). Friendship can't try to glue itself together with sex or kids or responsibilities.

For me, though, the bonds of friendship are a lifeline that keeps me sane. Friends stave off depression and help me fight crippling insecurity. And, frankly, reinforce the idea that I am valuable.

And because of that, there is no end to what I am willing to give; that's what friends do, especially in the Southern tradition. Is that always totally healthy for me? Maybe not. But that isn't going to change it, and I truly don't care. Have you read The Giving Tree? I cry every time I read it because I relate to the tree....not AT ALL because my friends treat me like the boy treats the tree. But because if they had the inclination to treat me that way, I wouldn't stop it. My life is sort of built around giving; I'm not saying that to make myself sound good...it probably makes me sound like a doormat. It is just in my nature to give and try not to ask for much.

So the Doctor is right; there isn't a lot that should change real love. And friendship is a truly special subset of love. A daily choice. And a choice that I will continue to make, over and over. I will never regret loving my sweet friends.

Most Important Friend

I know I haven't posted in a really long time. This is a crazy time of year, and frankly I just didn't have anything to talk about. But this week, something kind of unusual happened to me, and I feel like I need to share.

I have this friend "Susan" who called me because she was struggling with something. She was very reluctant to tell me about it, even though it was clearly bothering her. She prefaced her concerns by telling me that after I heard what she had to say, I would probably not want to be her friend anymore and would probably head for the hills.

See, Susan has bought into the idea that she is crazy and everyone around her is sane. She really believes that the things she feels would be foreign to anyone else.

So she tells me that she feels hurt that I chose to do something with another friend instead of calling her. She wanted to know if I ever thought about calling her. Then she begged me not to think that she didn't ever want me to do anything with other people....

Interestingly, though, she really didn't have to explain much to me. It didn't take me long to ascertain that she wasn't jealous, but she feels like she loves her friends more than they love her.

I understand that feeling FAR TOO WELL.

I've basically been told that in one form or another all my life.

I struggle with that same feeling quite often.

See, for Susan it isn't about wanting to be someone's ONLY friend...not at all. It is about wanting to be someone's MOST IMPORTANT friend. She wants a friendship in which she KNOWS without a doubt that if that other person could choose only one or two people out of ALL their friends to spend time with, that other person would pick her. It isn't a matter of that person ALWAYS calling her and never anyone else. It is the idea of knowing that if that person had to pick their MOST IMPORTANT friend, it would be her.



I feel that way too...lots of times. I have a total complex that I am nothing but a burden to people. I'm quite introverted and am truly only comfortable with a handful of people, and enumerating most two most important friends is a complete no brainer.

Given the choice, I would spend time with only those two friends. But the truth is, if I have asked someone to do something with me and have been turned down more than once (esp if that person then goes to do the very same activity with another friend), I start to wonder if that person didn't want to do the activity or just didn't want to do it with ME.  I don't like pushing myself on people, and I have a deep-seated need to know that people are consciously CHOOSING me....that I'm not just a fall-back person (which is like being the platonic friendship version of the "side piece") :)

Are we the oddballs here?
Do others feel this way? I'm guessing the answer has to be yes, but are the others only people found in mental institutions?!? :)

People like Susan and me need the big gesture. We need to hear fairly often that we really do mean something to our friends and loved ones. And we really do need that one friend that we KNOW without a doubt would always pick us. Because, well, you know that when the zombie apocalypse comes, allegiances are hard to come by. :D

So I guess the point of all this is, lots of you out there might not be like us. Maybe you are a total extrovert who is convinced that everyone loves you. No joke. I'm guessing there are really people out there like that. Or maybe you are such a loner that you don't care about that. But if you have someone special in your life who is like us, I'm giving you a special guide for our care and feeding. Please acknowledge us as your most important friend if that is the way you feel. It isn't that we doubt  being loved; it is more that we doubt being loved in any special way, despite the fact that we LOVE others in that way. We really need to get it back. We need to occasionally feel really special

Teaching and Autism

This has been a crazy week.
New student.
Completely new classroom dynamic.
Ignorant comments.
Hurtful looks.
Trying to help other teachers sort things out.
Trying to not make my boss's life more complicated.
My own personal problems.
Fits.
Tears.
Tantrums.
And that was just me....LOL
Like I said, crazy week.

Autism is hard. Really hard. But you know what is harder? Overcoming ignorance. Especially when it comes from, people who ought to know better. My students-all the students in the AU program--are just KIDS, and they have dreams and feelings just like every other kid. And they are cute, funny, amazing, and they teach me stuff EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

I happen to have the absolute greatest principal and assistant principal around; they are both super supportive....I am so grateful for that. They provide the opportunities for my students to be as "normal" as possible while still understanding that trying to do all the "normal" things might have limits or require accomodations. And that is such a relief and takes so many worries away from me.

I'm a teacher. Please don't call me an "educator" because that is a term that sounds ridiculously huaghty and self-important to me. I work alongside other fantastic teachers and support staff every day who are supposed to understand that children come in many different flavors. So tell me why it is that I get "the look" from some people when one of my students has a meltdown? One day this week, FIVE people came out to stare when this happened---and only ONE asked if I needed help or if there was anything she could do. But there WAS gawking and head-shaking by others. It took me by surprise because under most circumstances, our school has the best/most helpful people.

Well, welcome to autism. It wasn't a show; my student wasn't being a brat; and truth be told, it could have happened in any classroom in the building. Kids with autism don't corner the market on meltdowns.

On Friday at dismissal, this very same thing happened. There was a HUGE very public meltdown. And guess what?

IT WASN'T A STUDENT WITH AUTISM!!!!

Also this week, I heard the following words from a district employee who was visiting our school:
"It is just so sad. Can those children even learn ANYTHING???"

Seriously?!? WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. HECK???

 MY husband calls me the autism whisperer. Nothing could be farther from the truth, but I will take it!! :)  I'm no autism expert, I'm not even that good with people. Helping is just in my nature. I'm interested in breaking through walls with kids, and the working of the brain fascinates me. I want to understand people, and I want to meet my students at LEAST halfway.

Let me tell you some things that would help me out:

1. Don't say, "I don't know how you do it...." My job isn't miracle working and I believe anyone COULD do it but not everyone WANTS to do it. And that's OK. But I promise you that if your child had autism, you too could learn to relate and handle children with autism. No magic here.

2. Don't ask me how I get any teaching done. Obviously it is a struggle, but we slog through just like you do. I have to start in a different place than you do, but the methods are the same.

3. Don't ask, "Aren't you exhausted?" The answer is yes....everyday. But it doesn't matter. Aren't you tired every day?
4. Don't ask me questions that you should be asking my students. If you want to know how old the kids are or what they like or how they are feeling, ask them....not me. They have mouths. They aren't pets. If they can't or won't answer, I will answer for them, but you should ALWAYS treat them like they WILL answer. I spend every day teaching appropriate social skills, and it does no good if they never get a chance to practice them.
5. Don't talk t me about their diet/ immunizations/ or talk about autism as though it is a disease.

6. And don't count them out. DON'T. YOU. EVER. COUNT. THEM. OUT.

What Has Happened to Parents?

Yesterday my daughter was telling me about something that happened at her school. She characterized it as "unfair", but I am often leery of that particular word. In our house that often means, "anything that doesn't suit me". This time, though, she was spot on.

It seems that there was a girl at her school who tried out for the volleyball team. We might know a thing or two about that . Sarah tried out last year. Girls at her school have to choose whether to try out for volleyball or track, as they run simultaneously and girls can't do both. Last year Sarah chose poorly.

It wasn't really her fault, though. The assistant principal told us at registration that none of the girls would have experience playing (Sarah had never played before), so it wouldn't matter that she was new to the sport. That was oh so very false. Most every girl there had either played on the team previously, played rec/traveling volleyball, or both. After the first day of weeklong tryouts, Sarah wasn't even allowed to touch the ball. She had to keep going for the whole week to officially be cut, even though she knew it all week.

It was tough for her. She ALWAYS gets everything she tries out for. She had never been rejected. While I was sad for her, in reality I was kinda glad. Everyone needs to experience that so that they learn how to be a good loser as well as a good winner. I don't beleive you can be a truly good winner if you don't know how it feels to lose.

Back to this other girl though. When she found out that she didn't make it, she cried. In middle school. In front of people. OK so I will admit that I am a crier. But I WOULDN'T have cried where anyone could see me....actually I probably wouldn't have cried about that but even if I had I would have cried in private. Then she ran home and TOLD HER MOMMY. What happened next was both unbelievable and yet predictable.

Mom went to the school, raised hell with the coach.....and guess who's on the team now? What the actual hell? Really? So now she is on the team and all the other girls on the team hate her because she sucks at volleyball. What do you bet that when the other girls shun her, Mommy will be right back at the school complaining about how her daughter is being bullied? Guess what??? THAT'S NOT BULLYING. That would be what I call "schoolyard justice". The supposed adults won't handle it, so the kids feel like they have to.

When did this happen to our society? Since when do parents get to run things at school? Guess what? You might not feel like the tryout process is fair....so what? Life isn't fair. The bottom line is, that mom wasn't at practice, she isn't the coach, and SHE DOESN'T GET TO PICK. And I'm sure that if the coach benches the girl because she can't play, Mommy will get fired up about that too.

It just makes me angry that so many children are being raised with this sense of entitlement....of "everyone's a winner" and "you can be anything you want". You CAN'T be anything you want. If you can't sing, you aren't going to win American Idol. If you are terrible at math/science, you AREN'T going to be an engineer. Our world isn't going to get better until we start getting REAL with our kids and stop coddling them. Coddled, spoiled, entitled brats grow up into coddled, spoiled, entitled adults who have no work ethic and want everything given to them. Wake up, parents.

Sometimes I'm a Bad Person

Yep. Today is one of those days.

I really try to be a good person. I do. I try.

I pray every day for God to help me be a better person. I give of myself until I'm exhausted. I do things I don't want to because it is the good, decent, right thing to do. I share practically everything....I stop everything to help other people.

But some days, my inner bitch sees something or hears something that JUST. SENDS. ME. OVER. THE. EDGE.

And you don't want to see me go over the edge.

The problem is, the stuff that makes this happen is so stupid. And basically it always come down to the same thing....hating someone for no good reason. And that has happened to me again this week.

Oh I have REASONS. Don't misunderstand. Just no GOOD ones. :) 

I read this today:

And OMG. I want to argue with that so badly. I want to say, "No but see....". The truth is though that I can't even begin to argue with that. As laughable as this sounds, this morning Pinterest has exposed "the man behind the curtain". (Yes, yes, I too had to ignore the poor grammar in the quote, but I will live....)

Please tell me you guys have at least occasionally felt this way. I hate someone who is really nice. Whom I don't even really know. Who has done nothing to me. This makes me awful. Doesn't it?!?

But have you ever met one of those people who gets EVERYTHING you want but isn't even trying? That achieves a level of popularity, success, notariety, or love that you might have been working toward for YEARS?!?

That no matter how much you do, no matter how far out there you put yourself, you will never get noticed or get back the love that he or she gets. (Oh, who am I kidding?!? You know it is a chick. Women don't feel this way toward guys.) And it is just effortless. Nothing I do is effortless. Every single interaction I have with people takes some sort of effort. It isn't natural for me. Not saying that I don't WANT to interact with people, just that it isn't so easy for me. 

And did I mention that she is nice?!?

At least in high school when I hated every single girl who got into a sorority, most of those girls acted like they could see right through me. I'm sure they were really nice too, but I could pretend that they were all bitches because rarely did any of them talk to me much. 

But I'm GROWN. How can I be this way? How can I be so insecure, so jealous, so ridiculous about someone I barely know....or anyone period? How can I be so threatened by someone who clearly does not even know that we are having this pretend competition? Better yet, why am I in a PRETEND competition in my own head with someone I don't even know? 

I will tell you why. It is because I am dreadfully insecure and waiting daily for people in my life to tell me what a failure I am and how they only deal with me out of pity. How nothing I do is good enough or worth anything. How they don't really want to spend any time with me. How I am not really good at what I do. How I am not smart enough, funny enough, happy-go-lucky enough. How our relationship is just to onerous. 

But whose problem is that? Certainly not the people I hate for no good reason. 

So I will keep praying and keep trying. Keep getting up every day and dealing with these feelings...dealing with this person with the kindness that she deserves. I will grit my teeth and keep forging ahead until I overcome these feelings and can see her for the person she really is instead of what she represents in my life.