Sometimes I'm a Bad Person

Yep. Today is one of those days.

I really try to be a good person. I do. I try.

I pray every day for God to help me be a better person. I give of myself until I'm exhausted. I do things I don't want to because it is the good, decent, right thing to do. I share practically everything....I stop everything to help other people.

But some days, my inner bitch sees something or hears something that JUST. SENDS. ME. OVER. THE. EDGE.

And you don't want to see me go over the edge.

The problem is, the stuff that makes this happen is so stupid. And basically it always come down to the same thing....hating someone for no good reason. And that has happened to me again this week.

Oh I have REASONS. Don't misunderstand. Just no GOOD ones. :) 

I read this today:

And OMG. I want to argue with that so badly. I want to say, "No but see....". The truth is though that I can't even begin to argue with that. As laughable as this sounds, this morning Pinterest has exposed "the man behind the curtain". (Yes, yes, I too had to ignore the poor grammar in the quote, but I will live....)

Please tell me you guys have at least occasionally felt this way. I hate someone who is really nice. Whom I don't even really know. Who has done nothing to me. This makes me awful. Doesn't it?!?

But have you ever met one of those people who gets EVERYTHING you want but isn't even trying? That achieves a level of popularity, success, notariety, or love that you might have been working toward for YEARS?!?

That no matter how much you do, no matter how far out there you put yourself, you will never get noticed or get back the love that he or she gets. (Oh, who am I kidding?!? You know it is a chick. Women don't feel this way toward guys.) And it is just effortless. Nothing I do is effortless. Every single interaction I have with people takes some sort of effort. It isn't natural for me. Not saying that I don't WANT to interact with people, just that it isn't so easy for me. 

And did I mention that she is nice?!?

At least in high school when I hated every single girl who got into a sorority, most of those girls acted like they could see right through me. I'm sure they were really nice too, but I could pretend that they were all bitches because rarely did any of them talk to me much. 

But I'm GROWN. How can I be this way? How can I be so insecure, so jealous, so ridiculous about someone I barely know....or anyone period? How can I be so threatened by someone who clearly does not even know that we are having this pretend competition? Better yet, why am I in a PRETEND competition in my own head with someone I don't even know? 

I will tell you why. It is because I am dreadfully insecure and waiting daily for people in my life to tell me what a failure I am and how they only deal with me out of pity. How nothing I do is good enough or worth anything. How they don't really want to spend any time with me. How I am not really good at what I do. How I am not smart enough, funny enough, happy-go-lucky enough. How our relationship is just to onerous. 

But whose problem is that? Certainly not the people I hate for no good reason. 

So I will keep praying and keep trying. Keep getting up every day and dealing with these feelings...dealing with this person with the kindness that she deserves. I will grit my teeth and keep forging ahead until I overcome these feelings and can see her for the person she really is instead of what she represents in my life. 

Robin Williams and Suicide

I'm as shocked as anyone else that Robin Williams apparently took his own life today. I didn't know him, but like everyone else, he seems like an old friend. Dead Poet's Society, Good Will Hunting, Fisher King, Aladdin, Good Morning Vietnam, Jumanji, Hook, Mrs. Doubtfire, Nine Months, The Birdcage….. he has always been there.

What isn't surprising is that Robin Williams suffered from depression, which is exceedingly common among comedians. People mistakenly believe that comedians are happy….that's why people are so surprised when people like Chris Farley and John Belushi drug themselves into an early grave. The manic happy thing is a mask, guys. Comedians tend to be misfits, introverts, cynics, and come from a troubled past. They can find nuggets of humor in some of the bleakest parts of life. That is a coping mechanism. It makes us laugh because we know how true it is. We relate. And that is like comedian therapy. But it isn't always enough because the audience isn't going to go home with the comedian at the end of the night.

I think Robin Williams was probably closer to himself in the more serious roles…I think that is when the mask slips a little.

Let me tell you folks a little something about depression---it isn't a weakness of character. It isn't selfishness or self-indulgence. The people I know who suffer from depression are some of the strongest people I know. That is why they are still alive right now. When depression is serious, the person has to make a decision that suicide is NOT an option. Otherwise those little intrusive voices in their heads are always telling them how much of a burden they are on others. How no one REALLY loves them or wants them around because it is just too much trouble. How their loved ones' lives would be so much happier without their baggage. I'm not saying that making the decision to stay alive makes those voices go away, but the decision does provide a certain sense of resolve.

I know a little bit about this issue. It is not easy or desirable to put this out in the open, but I think that it needs saying. Depression follows my OCD like a shadow….kinda like on that Abilify commercial. You know, the one where the lady is taking her meds but is still being followed by the dark cloud. I'm happy and content a lot, but when I'm not, I'm REALLY not. Like today. I'm so not OK today. If you could get inside my head and hear all the awful things that I hear about myself. And I KNOW I am not the sum total of those things. I guess I know. That little voice in my head that tells me that no one loves me and EVERYONE is lying and putting up with me just to not hurt my feelings….that asshat needs to go. I just don't need to hear that anymore.

Suicide is obviously not the right answer. Nor is it the only answer. I know that. You know that. Robin Williams knew that. Unfortunately, when he lost focus and started listening to the little whispers, he didn't have anyone there to remind him. (And people with depression don't like to ask for or accept help because we don't want to be a burden. )We all need people around us willing to do that.

What is Beautiful? I Think I know....

I'm not sure I understand us here in the US; I'm puzzled by our view on beauty. We do a lot of talking about what we should do to help our children, esp daughters, grow up with a healthy body image and a realistic view of beauty. We want our daughters getting fit and strong, and we want them to stop chasing the "thigh gap" ideal....but we keep showing them actresses and models who look like that. We know magazines are photoshopped, but we buy them anyway. We live every day on a visual diet of a practically impossible idea of what people really look like.....then we look in the mirror and are repulsed.

We tell young people to concentrate more on what is inside.....the heart, soul, spirit, whatever you choose to call it. WE ARE RIDICULOUS HYPOCRITES.

I'm not villainizing the thin, the flawlessly beautiful. If that is you, you are awesomely blessed. And I'm sure you find other faults with yourself. I love Emma Stone as much as the next girl.

I will tell you though; I am MUCH more interested in the actresses that are more than just a pretty face. So I'm going to list a few of my favorites that might go outside the norm:

Alex Kingston   Phylicia Rashad      Helena Bonham Carter     Helen Mirren    Gillian Anderson
Emma Thompson    Minnie Driver   Ruby Dee (RIP)  Patti LaBelle    Julianne Moore
Maggie Smith    Judi Dench     Kate Blanchett    Meryl Streep    Viola Davis    Jessica Lange

And I don't mean just women; here are some of my unusual guy crushes:
Idris Elba    Aidan Quinn    Christopher Meloni    Seth Meyers     Jimmy Fallon     Ewan MacGregor
Viggo Mortensen     Michael Clarke Duncan (RIP) Billy Joel   Bruce Willis    Mikhail Baryshnikov
Laurence Fishburne   Dennis Quaid  


So I'm going to show you just a TINY sample of the real people in my life who are absolutely beautiful in my eyes.

 
 
 
 

If you look at these pictures and wonder what I find so beautiful...then you haven't looked hard enough. Look again. Then go and throw away some magazines. :)

50 Shades of Grey Uproar...Give Me a Break.

Silly me. I thought that the controversy about 50 Shades of Grey was over. I thought maybe we wouldn't have to talk about it anymore. I didn't REALLY think they would try to make a movie out of it....how is it that I can be such a realist but still continue to be surprised when movie makers just HAVE to cash in on something even when it doesn't make sense.

A 50 Shades of Grey movie doesn't make sense. Period.

But THAT really isn't my issue. My issue is all the indignant posts I have seen on Facebook and other places now that there is a trailer for the movie being shown on TV. You know, the posts about how 50 Shades of Grey is eroding marriage and how it is pornography and is altering our perception of real life. THAT IS TOTAL CRAP....for several reasons.

First, if you have not read ALL THREE books in the trilogy, SHUT UP. Just shut it. You don't know what you are talking about, as usual. Just like with everything else, there are too many people out there criticizing something they know nothing about. Like the people who say Harry Potter is demonic but haven't read it...and don't see that it is a good vs evil, almost Christ allegory, not really any different from The Chronicles of Narnia. (The only difference is that it is OK to talk about witches if the author is a minister like CS Lewis)

THERE ARE GOING TO BE SPOILERS.
I'm not here to convince you that 50 Shades is great literature or anything. But it WAS fun reading. But besides that, here is a truth you may have missed. While Ana and Christian have an "arrangement" at first, Christian soon realizes that he has no interest in being with anyone but Ana. Plus, at the end of book 2, Ana leaves Christian because she no longer wants to be part of the dom-sub thing. When they get back together, it is in a committed relationship...and they get married and have a baby at the end. Also, if you atually READ the books, you find that the reason Chritian doesn't really know how to have a regular relationship with a woman is because he was molested by his mom's friend as a teenager and introduced to the dom-sub world during his formative years. He never really sees a real relationship. He has to learn about it. The story also shows how this arrangement can go wrong if one of the pair is mentally unstable (like with the other girl).

The books also have a real storyline.....a fatal attraction, someone trying to kill them, etc. There is really lots more than sex. To be honest, by the end of book two, the sex really was secondary as far as I was concerned.

And then lets talk about the sex. Not that I plan to be graphic or anything, but I don't really understand what all the controversy is about. They are consenting adults and the stuff they do isn't that unusual....people do those things every day.....in the privacy of their own bedrooms. Trust me. I'm not saying I'm a fan of their arrangement...I think that part is weird. But then again, I am not into casual sex at all. Sex is a love thing only with me, but within the confines of my marital bed, I will do whatever I see fit. And I don't need or want anyone's permission or approval about that. I don't understand why that should be different with Ana and Christian. I don't understnad how what these fictional characters are doing is somehow going to erode YOUR marriage. The bottom line is that they agree on what they will do, they are responsible about it (mostly), and when the arrangement no longer works, they renegotiate. AND IT IS FICTION.

If you don't like it, don't read it. No one is forcing you. But keep you mouth shut when you are tempted to shame others for reading it. It is none of your business. And as is most often the case, most of us out here in the world are not really interested in what you have to say as long as you are riding your condescending moral high horse. Here is a for instance, I think Magic Mike is absolutely stupid. You couldn't have dragged me to see that. But I don't belittle my friends who went and REALLY enjoyed themselves. Good for them. It is simply escapism at its best. STOP JUDGING PEOPLE. GET OVER YOURSELVES. LIVE AND LET LIVE.