LOL.
I want to talk about my favorite topics...love, hurt, and relationships.
Yeah yeah. I know. AGAIN?!?!
But I guess I feel like I have to keep writing until people start being authentic with each other. Which means I might be writing about this forever.
This week, On This Day on Facebook reminded me that it was the two year anniversary of my grandmother's death and funeral. That event was the jumping off point for some real hurt for me. That was a really awful time for my family...Rick was struggling with health issues that we thought might end his Army career, I was single parenting for the month, Nana was dying, I had a very high intensity job, a lot of things. And someone I needed to rely on let me down in a huge way. HUGE.
And I was just very nearly mortally wounded in my heart. And I spent the next couple of months trying to decide what it was about me that made me not valuable and caused me not to get back the support and intensity of love that I give. And I cried a billion tears. At least. And I yelled at God. And I couldn't even express to this person how much I was hurting.
And I know what a lot of people would say. And DID say. I got lectures and scoldings.
And they were wrong.
Because love is an action and a choice. And everyone has to weigh options for themselves. And for me, when I have chosen someone to love, I love him or her HARD. And I love him or her whether they have earned it or not. My love is given, not earned. I know that it is important to consider whether that person would ever hurt me on purpose because intention matters. I always consider whether that person has the capacity for loving me and supporting me the way I need or if I am simply going to have to meet that person where he or she is. And can I live with it.
I'm not sure that my heart is mended yet. It really did a number on my self-esteem and my balance in the world. It made me doubt that I was a good person...again....for the millionth time. But it keeps me honest with myself. And it reminds me that people aren't perfect, especially not me.
I'm not saying that any of you should make the same choice....like I said, everyone has to weigh the options. Don't substitute my feelings and decisions for your own. But in my case, I will not give up on someone I truly love. Because in my mind and my heart, LOVE ALWAYS WINS.
“Life is a series of pulls back and forth... A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. Most of us live somewhere in the middle. A wrestling match...Which side win? Love wins. Love always wins” (Mitch Albom, Tuesdays With Morrie)
