Why You aren't OCD

I haven't posted anything to this blog in a LONG time; things have been crazy and unpleasant and I just haven't had the time or energy to think about writing anything but my dissertation. But it is Christmas break right now, and I NEED to write this.

You know I talk about mental health issues a lot....mostly because other people do not and that leaves so many people out there thinking they are the only ones struggling. And I REALLY want to take the stigma away from talking about mental health. Why should I have to be embarrassed? I wouldn't be embarrassed to tell you if I had diabetes or MS or high blood pressure.

So I'm going to talk a little bit about OCD. People think they know what OCD is, but usually they really don't. First off, OCD isn't something you ARE, it is something you HAVE. If your first thought when you read OCD was about handwashing or light switches, then you truly have NO IDEA. THIS is what OCD is about.

OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) is an anxiety disorder that is a cycle. When the person with OCD feels anxious and life seems out-of-control, he or she begins having obsessive thoughts. The obsessive thoughts go on and on and on like a GIF on loop, and generally these thoughts are composed of the most awful things a person can conceive of. About themselves, other people, the universe. The thoughts typically will not stop until the person does something that interrupts the thoughts...that is where the light switch or cleaning or handwashing thing sometimes comes in. Some people have compulsive actions like that. I have a friend who thinks she can fix the things that are wrong in her life if she buys the right conditioner or foundation; she knows how crazy that is but she can't just logic her way out of it. Others of us are compelled to do something like call or text people that are part of our obsessive thoughts or to go overboard doing things to keep ourselves constantly busy until we are too exhausted to think anymore.

For me, acts of service are my love language. So when something happens and I am extremely anxious about someone and I have obsessive thoughts about that person or situation, I am compelled to do some kind of act of service for that person and that dispels my obsessive thoughts for a while and comforts me. And helps that person too. Sometimes I have obsessive thoughts when nothing is happening and those thoughts can be about something that happened yesterday or ten years ago.

I totally obsess about being abandoned, whether the people who say they love me really do (especially if their actions and words don't match), whether people really want me around, whether I'm too weird for other people. I replay conversations, interactions, exchanges and beat myself up for not saying the right thing or handling it better. I also come up with a thousand scenarios that DIDN'T happen and will NEVER happen (good and bad).

So I expend a lot of time and energy talking myself off ledges and trying to just enjoy life. When I suppress the urge to act on my love language, the thoughts sometimes really become deafening. This is why I will take on projects that I really don't have time to do or why I took up painting or why I run and it is also why I always need the TV on. It's why I sing.

I don't want people to pity me or to think I am fragile or weak. I am neither fragile nor weak. If I were, I wouldn't be alive. I'm actually extremely tough and remarkably resilient. Although I am very emotional, I am GREAT in a crisis or emergency and am GREAT under pressure...because I am always under pressure. LOL. I am a mostly happy person, even with depression. I'm an incredibly devoted friend. I'm intensely loyal. I am used to the thoughts and wouldn't even know what it is like to not have them, but I am interested in people understanding how OCD works. Because it isn't about the compulsions, a person can't just STOP doing whatever it is and be cured. It's all about the anxiety. And it is hard to talk to people about what makes you anxious, especially if you know it is going to sound far-fetched or if it is about something that person has done or said. The thoughts lie and they take little pieces of the truth and spin it into something that may not even be real. It's embarrassing to have to ask people to reassure you about things you should never doubt. It's embarrassing to feel threatened about situations that may not even exist. 

So there it is. OCD. And mine is really not severe at all; mine is completely manageable. Imagine what it is like for others. And, yes, I wrote this so I wouldn't have to obsess about it anymore :)

Why People With Depression Don't Reach Out

Yeah, I know. Depression talk again?!?

But here's the thing. Yesterday was the third anniversary of Robin Williams's death, and with the recent suicides of both Chris Cornell and Chester Bennington, I have started hearing people ask those questions again.

How could someone so loved and successful do that?

How could he not be happy? He has everything!!

And my personal favorite: Why didn't he reach out to his family and friends?

I understand why people ask that. I really do. But as a person who suffers from fairly profound depression, I can explain it---at least from my perspective.

There are three main reasons.

1. We do not want you to talk about what we need clinically.
We already know that. We don't want you to ask us if we are seeing a counselor, if we are taking medication, if we have tried essential oils, if we meditate. WE WANT YOU TO LISTEN AND BE THERE. We KNOW what we should be doing clinically but a counselor doesn't really know us and certainly doesn't love us. Medication doesn't tell us it loves us. Essential oils can't hug us. WE WANT YOU. But you wouldn't believe how often we hear, "Maybe you should talk to someone." YEAH REALLY?!? I'm talking TO YOU!!! We don't expect you to be a counselor; we expect you to be an ear and a soft place to land when things are not going well.

2. We have a really really deep fear of rejection.
If we reach out and no one will make time for us, it only makes things worse. It is a vicious cycle. If we pretend to be OK and if we are being strong and trying to tough it out alone, then no one knows we are struggling....but if we ask and no one helps, it is devastating. People rarely expect you to drop everything right that minute, but make time. And if you say you are going to call, CALL. Check in with us out of the blue without a reason. Make us feel that we are important and that you think of us even when we aren't having a hard time.

3. We really worry about abandonment.
We worry that we will appear clingy and needy and like something is always wrong and that over time that will become so unattractive that you will walk away from us. And the truth is, we AREN'T always sad. But people do not notice when people aren't sad. People don't notice when we are killing it at life. But the minute we cave in and need support, we worry that people are thinking, "Oh God, here we go again." We worry our spouses will leave and that even our best friends will get exhausted and disappear. And it HAPPENS. So it isn't an irrational fear. We worry that you will stop asking us to do things if you think we are going to go all Eeyore on the event. We don't want to be alone.

So, what can people do to get depressed people to reach out? CONVINCE US. Convince us that we matter. Call us. Bother us. Force us outside ourselves. Don't get exasperated.

Here's a great link:
20 things to remember if you love someone with depression

Trust--When Actions Meet Words

When I originally started writing this blog, I thought I was going to use it for amusing observations and stories, but I quickly realized that I could put those things on my Facebook wall because EVERYONE likes those. This blog has morphed into something that is all about my favorite topic---relationships.

Today I want to talk about trust. A couple of weeks ago, I was involved in a situation that tested the trust between a person I love and me. It tested whether our relationship was such that I would believe her words over those of another person--a person who set out to hurt me in order to hurt her.

So how did I decide who to believe? I didn't decide. I trusted.

I don't trust very many people. Instead, I am exceedingly honest about who I am with pretty much everyone. While some people think that makes me an oversharer, I really do it because if everyone knows all about me, there is not a lot people can say about me to violate my trust. But when I do decide to trust someone, I really trust. That has sometimes come back to haunt me in really unpleasant ways.

People also tend to trust me and disclose things to me that they have no reason to, and that has put me in all kinds of awkward positions. Once, I moved to a new place and went into a shop where the SIL of someone I know worked. The lady behind the counter asked how I heard about the shop and when I told her that my friend's SIL worked there, the lady launched into a diatribe about my friend's SIL (who I don't know) and told me all kinds of things I didn't want to know. Well, maybe you already know what happened then. After I left, the lady realized she shouldn't have said all that and told my friend's SIL that a woman had come in asking all kinds of questions. Ummmm. I didn't ask her a damn thing. But imagine trying to explain that to my friend. Stuff like that happens to me all the time. I have one of those faces or something that makes people tell me things, but then they regret it. And i ALWAYS regret it...I don't want to know all that.

But here's my point. If you have someone in your life who trusts you, VALUE IT. Don't ever give that person a reason to doubt you. Once doubt creeps in, trust is never really the same.

I'm not saying that a broken trust is the end of a relationship...not at all. But trust is like a piece of paper....breaking a trust is like wadding the paper up into a ball and then smoothing it back out. You can still write on it and read it, but it will never be the same paper it was before you wadded it up. The creases will always be there. I have some people in my life who have broken my trust in the past, and I love them very much. But I will never trust them in the same whole-hearted way I did before.

I hope that my friend appreciates that I believed in her...in us. Our relationship hasn't always been the easiest---soooo easy face-to-face but more complicated long distance because we have very different approaches to friendship and need very different things. Sometimes we have misunderstandings because of those differences. But the relationship is very important to me and so is worth any petty misunderstandings. I trust her. I always have. Hopefully, I always will. And I hope she feels the same. I haven't ever violated her trust and never would. Frankly, I would never violate ANYONE'S trust unless I felt that it was necessary to keep that person safe.

I haven't posted to this blog in a LONG time. Things in the world have been so mixed up and so upside down that I couldn't even organize thoughts. I have been absorbed in the weird turn our society has taken. But eventually, my heart fills up and my head starts screaming that I have to get my ideas out. I have fought that feeling all week long and I just can't fight it anymore.

LOL.

I want to talk about my favorite topics...love, hurt, and relationships.

Yeah yeah. I know. AGAIN?!?!

But I guess I feel like I have to keep writing until people start being authentic with each other. Which means I might be writing about this forever.

This week, On This Day on Facebook reminded me that it was the two year anniversary of my grandmother's death and funeral. That event was the jumping off point for some real hurt for me. That was a really awful time for my family...Rick was struggling with health issues that we thought might end his Army career, I was single parenting for the month, Nana was dying, I had a very high intensity job, a lot of things. And someone I needed to rely on let me down in a huge way. HUGE.

And I was just very nearly mortally wounded in my heart. And I spent the next couple of months trying to decide what it was about me that made me not valuable and caused me not to get back the support and intensity of love that I give. And I cried a billion tears. At least. And I yelled at God. And I couldn't even express to this person how much I was hurting.

And I know what a lot of people would say. And DID say. I got lectures and scoldings.

And they were wrong.

Because love is an action and a choice. And everyone has to weigh options for themselves. And for me, when I have chosen someone to love, I love him or her HARD. And I love him or her whether they have earned it or not. My love is given, not earned. I know that it is important to consider whether that person would ever hurt me on purpose because intention matters. I always consider whether that person has the capacity for loving me and supporting me the way I need or if I am simply going to have to meet that person where he or she is. And can I live with it.

I'm not sure that my heart is mended yet. It really did a number on my self-esteem and my balance in the world. It made me doubt that I was a good person...again....for the millionth time. But it keeps me honest with myself. And it reminds me that people aren't perfect, especially not me.

I'm not saying that any of you should make the same choice....like I said, everyone has to weigh the options. Don't substitute my feelings and decisions for your own. But in my case, I will not give up on someone I truly love. Because in my mind and my heart, LOVE ALWAYS WINS.

“Life is a series of pulls back and forth... A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. Most of us live somewhere in the middle. A wrestling match...Which side win? Love wins. Love always wins” (Mitch Albom, Tuesdays With Morrie)