Down Syndrome Awareness Month

My little brother has Down Syndrome. Maybe you think you know him. I bet you don't. I'm not sure any of us really do. I know the common beliefs about people with DS....."Oh they are so sweet," you say. "They just love EVERYONE," you say. "They are just so social..."....uh huh. That makes me giggle a little.

Is my brother Landon sweet? Oh yeah. he has the kindest of hearts without any real malice toward anyone but the band Sugarland. For some reason, he HATES Sugarland. So sweet...until you piss him off. And he isn't going to let you know that you have pissed him off until later when he writes you a strongly worded memo. I'M NOT KIDDING. Or when he was really little, he might sneak up behind you with a bat...just ask my dad. And he has no use for your stinking apology. So save it. And if he does something wrong, he will NOT apologize for it if he thinks what he did was justified....no matter WHAT you do to him. If it is his turn to use the computer and you don't get up, he MIGHT push you outta the chair...I'm just sayin'.

My brother LOVES Michael Jackson. He even used to have a red satin jacket with a white glove on the back. When the allegations of child molestation first came out, he was just a wreck about it. At one point, my parents were awakened by the police banging on the door at 5 in the morning because Landon had called 911 so the police could go to California to help MJ. Totally sweet (and totally freaking hilarious). My parents were NOT impressed. But can you REALLY be mad? Nope.

My brother can be Mister Sunshine until you interrupt his routine. He comes downstairs every night at 10 pm to tell my mom she needs to go upstairs....it is her bedtime and HIS time to roam. He has always been a nighttime roamer. It was so bad when he was really little that my parents had to resort to desperate measures to keep him in his room. My brother was terrified of the vacuum cleaner so they had to put the vacuum outside his bedroom door....he was incapable of walking past it. That eventually evolved into using the model T-Rex my dad made for Treye but inadvertently made it so scary that they couldn't put it in the boys' room. Dude, it had REALLY scary fiery eyes. I don't know what the crap Dad was thinking.

Landon is very social too. He loves people and talking. He is very curious about things he doesn't understand. He wants to be in the thick of things until you start an activity with which he is uncomfortable or that he doesn't know how to do. Those things will cause him to stalk off to his bedroom and hide. He is also Mr. Jealousy if people pay too much attention to my brother Treye's kids and not enough to him. And he DOESN'T like everyone. I have found that he is a spot-on judge of character. If he doesn't like someone and actively tries to avoid that person, I do too. And he will not tolerate someone he doesn't like in order to be polite.

Why am I telling you all this stuff? Because I want people to understand that people with DS are NOT all the same.  They are as different as we so-called normal people are. They have the same range of emotions; they are NOT always happy. I wish I had a dollar for every time I have heard that. My brother feels happy, angry, sad (although he NEVER cries for any reason...), jealous, bored, and even quite often embarrassed. He is a whole person. He has a whole inner self, just like the rest of us....it is just that, no matter how much you might want to know what's going on in there, he ISN'T going to tell you. But make no mistake, he has all his own thoughts, desires, dreams, and ideas. He sets goals for himself. He continues to try to educate himself about the world. But he is NOT a cookie-cutter style person with DS. There is no such thing.

So when you meet someone with DS, please don't assume you know what that person is all about. Take time to find out.

Greatest American Hero

Does anyone remember this guy? My brother Treye and I do. He LOVED that show. He accidentally reminded me of it today. 

We were talking because he had to put his dog to sleep...yeah. awful. I just went through the same thing in May with my sweet Daisy. And in the course of the conversation, I said, "They don't tell you how to deal with this stuff in the manual." 

If you know about the TV show The Greatest American Hero, you know that aliens gave him the supersuit but he lost the instruction manual. He then spends the rest of the two seasons learning to use the suit by trial and error. I have to admit that my life sometimes feels like that. I look around and other people seem to know what is going on and have it all together, but I can't even find my supersuit. I'm a thinker and an intellectual and I really get frustrated sometimes by the idea that I can't read a book or do research to find out how to live the perfect life. I get frustrated that emotions don't turn on and off like a light switch. I get impatient with myself when I can't learn to "make" friendships like I make art. Where is that dingdang instruction manual when I need it? 

And then I remember....life IS trial and error. I don't wanna get to religious on you or anything, but if you are a Christian you know that that is what we are here for...to learn. Other religions believe that we have multiple lives, each designed to teach us things about how to be better people...complete with karma and all that. We are human; we make mistakes. We would EVEN if we had the manual; they aren't always that helpful. Have you ever bought something from IKEA that required assembly? The manuals are hardly enlightening. 

And the truth is this. I am actually pretty decent at this life thing. I've managed to get my children almost to adulthood without any major mishaps. I have been married almost 21 years, although most of the credit for that goes to my long-suffering husband. I'm smart and accomplished. I have a multitude of talents. And no matter what my shortcomings might be, I'm a terrific friend...as loyal as they come. I actually kinda like who I am....but that has been a looooonnnnngggg time coming. 

The Green-Eyed Monster

Don't you just LOVE it when you discover something about yourself, and you wish you hadn't? I always want self-discovery to be like something out of Walden, a journey of awakening to my potential. Because like Stuart Smalley always said, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggonit, people like me!"

Whatever.

Today is completely not like that at all. Today is the day I admit something that I have refused to admit, actively denied actually, for a looonnnggg time. And I'm going to admit it to you guys so that I can't ever pretend it isn't true again.

I struggle with jealousy.

Not the, "Oh my God. You are five seconds late getting home from work. You MUST be having an affair" kind of jealousy. Not even the, "Who was that woman you were talking to? How do you know her? Was she flirting with you?" kind. Mine is significantly more embarrassing to me than those would be. I'm jealous of the time that the significant people in my life spend with their other friends.

Weird part is, it isn't EVERY friend or ALL the time. It hits me at the strangest times and in kind of unpredictable ways. I've always thought of myself as a very unjealous type. I trust my closest friends with my very life. I don't stop trusting unless given a real reason. But I've been called on it before by someone who CLEARLY knows me better than I know myself. You know Erin? She called me on it once, back in...oh...the summer of 1990 or so.

One of her friends from college was spending the summer doing an internship in Nashville. Cool fun guy. Should've been delightfully fun for Christa, Erin, and me. Problem was, I was in this community production of Kiss Me, Kate and was spending most every evening at rehearsals. So Christa and Erin were spending lots of time with him and I felt left out. Let's just say that I acted sorta weird, didn't know I was being weird, and I caused some problems. But I would've gone to my grave denying that I was feeling jealous. There was no reason to be jealous, right? No one was going to unseat me from my place in the friendship spectrum, right? RIGHT?!? I'm not jealous...not this girl. Nuh uh. No Way.

So fast forward to the modern era. I am really one of those people who can only really handle being friends with a tiny handful of people. And if I am being truly honest, I have this one friend who (apart from my husband and Erin) I would spend ALL my free time with if I had that choice. That is just the person I am. Frankly, I have even canceled plans with other friends once or twice when I found out she was free. I know that's not nice but I'm being honest.  I sit by the phone if I think she is going to call. I would rather be with her than anyone else. She, though, has lots of friends and likes to spread the wealth; she's so NORMAL dammit.  Friendship is so much more carefree for her. She is happy for me when I manage to make new friends and actually DO things with them.

But I have sometimes gotten jealous. For example, I REALLY REALLY wanted to spend her birthday with her last year. I haven't EVER spent her birthday with her. Did she know that I wanted that? Probably not. What's your point? That maybe I would get what I want if I would ask? Where is the challenge in that? LOL. So when I saw pictures of her celebrating her birthday with another couple, I was sad. I felt very threatened by that particular woman in that particular couple; she sounds so awesome and like a perfect friend. She's really nice, and I think I would really like her. But they do stuff together that I don't ever get to do, and they look like they are having such a good time...and I can't be a part of that. What does she have that I don't? Is that fair of me? Absolutely not. Can I help that it makes me feel that way? Not really, but I CAN help how I deal with those irrational feelings.

I'm sure my friend would want to punch me in the face for ever being jealous of her though. And I would deserve that.  I'm sure my friend would be saddened and angry that I have worried that someone was going to swoop in, take my place, and make her forget all about me. And she would probably say something like, "How shallow would that make me if I forgot about you when you weren't RIGHT here." And she isn't shallow. She's wonderful.

So I've been working on it really hard for quite some time now. Because the truth is that I WANT her to have all those friends and to do lots of stuff with them. It would suck if she only had me and I'm not there anymore. And while it would be extremely flattering to be the center of someone's universe, that would also become very old very fast. This isn't a "her" problem; it is a ME problem. It is all about insecurity and lack of self-worth. I'm doing much better with that. I bet my friend would even tell you that our friendship has gotten easier. I'm not holding onto her with a death grip because of my fear of being abandoned. THAT isn't her fault. The fact that my brain used to tell me that I'm not a good enough person to have a friend like her isn't her doing. She has done nothing but love me....and sometimes that isn't an easy task. She keeps doing it, though, for over a decade now. And I refuse to let the past damage to my psyche drive a wedge into a friendship that is absolutely VITAL to my happiness. You remember that little voice I talked about the other day? I refuse to listen to that voice when it tries to tell me that I can't possibly be important to anyone, least of all HER. That voice is a bitch frankly--a mean, frightened, destructive bitch. :)

So if you too struggle with jealousy, this is my message to you. If you love and trust someone, you have to let go of jealousy. You can't say that you trust that person with your life and then say you are worried that he/she will abandon you. That's completely counterintuitive. No amount of holding on to someone else is going to alleviate the insecurities in your head. No one can do that for you; you have to work out those problems yourself. Your loved one can help you by supporting your efforts and reassuring you when you need it, but only if you are honest about the way you feel. And that is really hard to admit. It is an ugly flaw. I wish I had been able to tell my friend sooner. I wasted a lot of time spinning my wheels when I could've been laughing with her about the stupidest things. Fortunately, there are lots of years ahead. :)

I hope I don't "weird" her out by posting this. I just really appreciate the fact that she has helped me realize this about myself, and she is really helping me deal with it. I have learned so many things from her since we became friends. It is very much like the song "For Good" from the musical Wicked:

So much of me
Is made from what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

The Perfect Mom

I am not a perfect parent. Whew. What a relief to admit that. I'm not even a particularly fantastic person. I do the best I can, but I fail every day. And you know what? That's OK.

I think one of the most difficult hurdles of parenting is overcoming the belief that we need to be the perfect, parenting magazine spread, I-can-do-it-all moms. I'm not going to blame it on Pinterest or anything; I'm not going to blame it on anything but our human insecurities and innate competitiveness.

I have a secret to tell each of you--none of us does it right. We all have secret foibles, idiosyncrasies, and blindspots. You know that mom down the street who only feeds her kids organic, homecooked meals and packs them paleo lunches every day, has the perfect body from teaching fitness classes, and endlessly volunteers at the school? She's lying awake at night worried about how to keep up appearances....that everyone in the neighborhood has expectations. She can't go to a potluck and take just ANY dish; she has to have the BEST dish. She might even drink too much or she might be a minor-league hoarder. Everyone has something. We just don't see it.

And we all try to keep our weak spots a secret, as if our friends would drop us immediately if they found out we aren't perfect. Truth is, they might be RELIEVED. We spend so much time worrying about what people think of us instead of trying to really CONNECT with other people. It is such a waste of our precious time here on the planet.

I used to go to a playgroup when my son was a toddler. We took turns hosting it every week. I had one friend who kept a running list of what food she served so that she never served the same thing twice...even if we loved it. She also kept a list of what outfits she and her daughter wore so that they never wore the same outfit twice. And guess what? NONE OF US NOTICED OR CARED. NOT ONE BIT.

I have another friend who acts as though her child will have some sort of existential crisis if BOTH parents aren't present at every single event. So she misses out sometimes on things that are rare and so much fun because she might miss one tennis match or swim meet or something. And the truth is, I don't think her kid would care that much; I actually think she kinda smothers her kid a little and he's too old for that now. I make every effort to get to all the functions  my kids have, but I have never fostered the expectation that both parents will be there. It just isn't always possible (there are deployments and TDYs and such), and frankly there are times when I have something that I want to do for me. And I have a right to do that. When we became mothers, we didn't agree to give up our whole lives...actually it is a terrible idea. That is the way you lose who you are as your own person.

I think we need to reassess what really matters. It doesn't really matter whether you bring fancy homemade cupcakes to school for your kid's birthday or if you bought them from Walmart---what matters is that you cared enough to make the  birthday special. Your kid doesn't have to have the most lavish, expensive party either. It isn't about what you GIVE you child; it is about how you makes him/her FEEL. You don't have to look perfect every minute. And you CANNOT have it all. You are never going to have a booming career AND a Martha Stewart (plus spotlessly clean) house, the perfect (and perfectly groomed) kids, the picket fence and the dog without experiencing some hiccups and glitches. The baby IS going to spit up on your perfect blouse. The souffle is going to fall. Sometimes dinner is going to be Papa John's or come from a box. Sometimes you are going to have to give a gift that is neither thoughtful or made with love.

And NONE of that makes you less of a mom or less of a person. Not that I have any authority, but I give you permission to occasionally just be content with the mediocre. Even Beyonce wear sweatpants sometimes.

CrossFit Is Nuts...And I Love It

I drank the Kool-Aid about a month or so ago.

My friend (and blogger/vlogger extraordinaire) Sweet Cicily (www.sweetcicily.blogspot.com ) finally got me there with all of her contagious enthusiasm. I have been curious about CrossFit for quite some time....there was a CF gym on post at Ft. Leavenworth. The deal is, though, I never saw anyone going in or out that didn't look like the PERFECT specimen of humanity. Intimidating.

But I don't know anyone here and there is a privately owned CF gym not even ten minutes from my house called Redpoint  (www.redpointgym.com) and my hubs wants to try it too, so....giddyup.

If you know nothing about CrossFit, it is really not like any other workout I have ever done. Here is a video that might give you an idea what it is like: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B8PMJrrOp_U The warm-up some days is like some people's whole workout.

In my previous life, I have rarely done many things that pushed me outside my comfort zone unless there was some significant reason to do so. Shyness has some other side effects--I'm petrified of looking stupid, it is so hard to ask questions, and I am easily intimidated. Also as a perfectionist, I want to do everything right the very first time. Oh and as a bookish,intellectual type, I have this idea that I can think my way through anything....I can reason it out. The world can be parceled out into little neat boxes, categorized and labeled for later use. And I have stubbornly pursued that way of dealing with the world for most of my life....which would be fine if it worked....if I got ahead that way...if it made me happy. But truth is, it doesn't.

I want to be fierce. I want to approach life with more fearlessness...or at least a sense of abandon. Seems silly that CrossFit would fit that bill. CrossFit is just exercise class, right?

No....it isn't.

CrossFit ties me in knots. I don't get to know what the workout will be before I get there...I can't shy away from the unknown. They don't want to let me hide to do my workout. They force me to ask questions and let them critique me. And there is always critiquing to be had. While I learn to clean, jerk, press, overhead squat, and snatch, what I'm really doing is learning how to be a tougher person. I'm learning to push myself past what I thought I could do. I'm learning what it REALLY means to hang in there and not quit...that it takes as long as it takes. I'm learning that there will always be people who are better, stronger, tougher, but that is meaningless. I am only competing with MYSELF.

Why Six Green Peaches?

Did you wonder why I called my blog "Six Green Peaches"?

I've seen lots of blogs with cute, clever names. I want to be cute and clever too. I've seen lots of blogs with names that are literary/smart. I want to be literary and smart. Then I have seen blogs that have names that truly mean something. I gave up on cute and clever because I figured it would always sound like I was trying too hard. Literary is kinda important, though, since I'm an English teacher and all. But most of all, I wanted it to mean something to me....like I want my blog posts to all mean something to me and not be just throw-away fluff.

So....six green peaches. Anyone? Betcha my friend Dolly Anne could tell you why. She's the reason my blog has its name. I'm going to call her later today and see what she has to say about that. I'm gonna make her a cyberspace superstar! :) (Not that anyone outside my circle of friends is going to see this...but whatever. It sounds good. )

Has anyone out there read The Good Earth by Pearl S. Buck? When Wang Lung goes to claim O-Lan, he brings a gift. A gift of six small green peaches. They were the first peaches of spring and would've been quite the extravagant gift for someone like O-Lan. However, they were also green, so not as great a gift as they could've been. Symbolic? Yes. But I have a more humorous and pedestrian reason for picking the name. Dolly Anne was my 10th grade English teacher...now, make no mistake, she is WAAAYYYY more than that and was even back then but that is important to the story. And she seems to LOOOVVVVEEEE The Good Earth. (I kinda love it too) When she sensed that we weren't reading the assignments for class, we would have a pop quiz. On one of these quizzes, she asked what gift Wang Lung brought to O-Lan. My friend answered six peaches. Dolly Anne only gave her half credit because she didn't write that they were green. It became a long-standing joke whenever we talked about someone being crazily specific or detail-oriented. And frankly, we just liked teasing Dolly Anne....and I still do. Her husband teases her too; it is like she has a neon sign blinking over her head that says, "Please give me grief."

Dolly Anne is one of the "other moms". We girls all seem to have "other moms"...and it isn't a dig at our real moms. Sometimes you just need that person with a different viewpoint. You need that person who can push you harder, challenge you without it feeling like a rejection of who you are. Dolly Anne did that for me lots of times, but specifically during The Good Earth unit. She made me face my shyness--my utter phobia of public speaking--by forcing me to give a speech. She didn't let the fact that we were "friends" stop her from having expectations of me. She didn't let my tears sway her. Tough love, baby. And it freakin pissed me off (oops, she doesn't like that expression--HACKED ME OFF) at the time and hurt my feelings, but after that my respect for her grew exponentially. She KNOWS parenting/mentoring. I will also tell you that she has NO qualms whatsoever about telling me when she thinks I'm being stupid or childish. (for example, she hates body piercings and body art...lol) and I love her for it.

So back to the blog. I want my blog to be a gift...but with a tart edge. I want to speak the truth about things that are ridiculous, and I want to celebrate things that are wonderful. I want to give shout-outs to the people I love and who have shaped my life. I want to share who I am and what interests me. I hope you want to come along for the ride.

Friendship and Surprises

I know I was supposed to tell you guys about NC parking lots next, but something else came up. It was a spur-of-the-moment trip to surprise a friend. I don't know what is with me lately...I am stepping out of my comfort zone waaaayyy too much. I don't drive for 5 hours in the rain to surprise someone I haven't seen since 2007 and haven't talked to since 2008. It is all the little voice's fault.....

Do you guys have  a "little voice"? The one that puts weird, seemingly random ideas into your heads? Please tell me it isn't just me. I'm not schizophrenic or anything; it is really more like an intrusive thought. Something that usually seems silly or impractical at first blush, and I push it right out of my mind. But it doesn't go away. It niggles at me. Like it is saying, "Yoo hoo. Remember me? The idea from five minutes ago? IIII'mmmm bbbaaaccccckkkk!" 

This time it was a trip to Charlottesville. I didn't really have a good reason to go. I only have two friends there...that and a LOT of bad memories that I have tried to put behind me. These two friends essentially saved my life, or at the very least picked me up, brushed me off, and put the pieces back together to make me stronger. But the friend on my mind hadn't spoken to me in almost six years....we were close, really close. And I love her, but I figured that I somehow had managed to ruin it....I wish I knew what I had done. 

But I went. And the trip could've been a disaster. She could've slammed the door in my face. But she didn't.

She took one look at me and cried and cried. She told me that she stopped taking my calls because it was too painful...she missed me too much. She's been through a lot. I'm so glad I never gave up on us. I'm glad I never really stopped pursuing. I hope that because I was willing to make the effort that she will find a happiness and peace in that. I hope she becomes able to communicate again. Regardless, I won't stop caring.

Love is tough. It isn't only an emotion; that is simply a bills of goods they sell us as children while we listen to fairy tales. The feeling part fades, and what is left is a choice. We have to decide if that other person brings enough to our lives that we are willing to overlook or embrace the foibles, weird quirks, petty arguments, and separations. It is hard work. When I choose to let someone into my life, I love REALLY REALLY hard. I form a deep attachment and loyalty. I am willing to drop everything to come be by the side of a loved one who needs me. I listen. I make TIME. I'm devoted. And that level of commitment has opened me up to hurt...that's why I don't let many people in. I've chosen poorly from time to time. I'm also not easy to love. I'm needy and sometimes whiny. I'm fragile. I need to hear people tell me that they love me...over and over and over ad nauseum. 

But I hope my friends and loved ones will stick with me...and keep telling me, like I keep telling them. I hope they will always be right there beside me.

Because I won't stop loving. Ever. Bank on it. 

New Home, New Job, New Life

Military life. Exciting, right? Yeah, it is. Sometimes exciting good and sometimes exciting bad. Sometimes a little of both. I had not planned to start a blog documenting the adventure, but I have found myself without a job and wanting to share my thoughts on some things.

I love my life as an Army wife; I wouldn't know how to be anything else. My husband and I have been married for almost 21 years, and the army has been moving us around since December 1996. I've learned so much from each place we have lived and have looked forward to each move as a new adventure in our lives. I have never felt the desire to stop moving and put down roots anywhere...until our last duty station in Kansas.

Because I really loved  it in Kansas and had a great job in a super school, it was extremely hard to leave. Oh wait...did I also mention that my BFF lives there too and her husband retired there? Oh, and my daughter was VERY sad about the move. It was a rough summer.

When I got here, I had no job. It is a long long story because I thought I had a job, but it fell through because of complications with my certification. I spent all summer looking for a job, and two weeks after school started, I took a teaching job out of desperation....a job I knew wasn't going to be the right fit for me but I thought I could FORCE that square peg into the round hole. It just didn't happen. I was miserable and I left the job. This is probably the first time I have ever done anything that was right for ME but let other people down. It was extremely difficult for me to do that; I FINISH. I don't quit. I don't leave people hanging. I show up; I work hard; I MAKE THINGS HAPPEN.

Now I am at loose ends. I'm not sure how to proceed. I don't know what God has in mind for my life. I feel like there is something big out there that I am supposed to be doing. I am supposed to be helping people. I'm trying to listen. I'm trying to hear that little voice inside that tells me when things are right and important. What I do know is this---I am not taking another job out of desperation. I am going to wait for the RIGHT job. This is pretty hard for the military spouse who has to change jobs every three years or so. I had the RIGHT job in Kansas, and it is hard to let go of that. It is hard to let go of being near my BFF; I miss her. I don't want to be here, and I have to let go of that too. I know this first post hasn't been the most upbeat, but that is not the plan for the future. I want to try to face the unknown with humor...and you guys are going to help me. :)