Thoughts About Friendship and Love at Christmas

Last night, I was having a conversation with my mom about the nature of true friendship. It isn't really a traditional topic for us on Christmas Day, but it just came up because Mom had something on her mind....musings about how differently people view friendship and what that means. Then, "coincidentally" the same topic came up while I was watching Dr. Who.

Doctor Who - Season 8 - Dark Water

Clara: You’re going to help me?
The Doctor: Well, why wouldn’t I help you?
Clara: Cos of what I just did. I just…
The Doctor: You betrayed me. Betrayed my trust, you betrayed our friendship, you betrayed everything that I’ve ever stood for. You let me down!
Clara: Then why are you helping me?
The Doctor: Why? Do you think I care for you so little that betraying me would make a difference?

Those of you who really know me will know that the reason for the quotation marks is that I don't believe in coincidence.

This tiny Dr. Who segment might be the truest statement about the nature of love that I have ever heard. It's just......fact. I have a handful of friends in my life (two really) who I can honestly say that I doubt that betrayal would change a thing. I don't do love with a contingency plan. There is no pre-nup or backup plan. I don't love them and do things for them with a checklist of what they must do in return.

And on occasion, I've been let down. It happens. Nothing is perfect. There have been times that I haven't gotten back the care and love I have put in. There are times when I have felt left out, neglected, or ignored. That just happens. BUT there have been lots more times that I have gotten back what I put in in ABUNDANCE. But that ISN'T really the point at all. Friendship isn't really about what you are going to receive....you know, like Christmas.

Love is an action. Love is a promise. And friendship is a deep promise in my world. In some ways, it could seem like such a risk. Friends are not bound to you by some contract. You don't have to divorce a friend. Theoretically, there is nothing to keep you from turning your back and walking away from your friend (who without friendship is nothing more than a random stranger). Friendship can't try to glue itself together with sex or kids or responsibilities.

For me, though, the bonds of friendship are a lifeline that keeps me sane. Friends stave off depression and help me fight crippling insecurity. And, frankly, reinforce the idea that I am valuable.

And because of that, there is no end to what I am willing to give; that's what friends do, especially in the Southern tradition. Is that always totally healthy for me? Maybe not. But that isn't going to change it, and I truly don't care. Have you read The Giving Tree? I cry every time I read it because I relate to the tree....not AT ALL because my friends treat me like the boy treats the tree. But because if they had the inclination to treat me that way, I wouldn't stop it. My life is sort of built around giving; I'm not saying that to make myself sound good...it probably makes me sound like a doormat. It is just in my nature to give and try not to ask for much.

So the Doctor is right; there isn't a lot that should change real love. And friendship is a truly special subset of love. A daily choice. And a choice that I will continue to make, over and over. I will never regret loving my sweet friends.

Most Important Friend

I know I haven't posted in a really long time. This is a crazy time of year, and frankly I just didn't have anything to talk about. But this week, something kind of unusual happened to me, and I feel like I need to share.

I have this friend "Susan" who called me because she was struggling with something. She was very reluctant to tell me about it, even though it was clearly bothering her. She prefaced her concerns by telling me that after I heard what she had to say, I would probably not want to be her friend anymore and would probably head for the hills.

See, Susan has bought into the idea that she is crazy and everyone around her is sane. She really believes that the things she feels would be foreign to anyone else.

So she tells me that she feels hurt that I chose to do something with another friend instead of calling her. She wanted to know if I ever thought about calling her. Then she begged me not to think that she didn't ever want me to do anything with other people....

Interestingly, though, she really didn't have to explain much to me. It didn't take me long to ascertain that she wasn't jealous, but she feels like she loves her friends more than they love her.

I understand that feeling FAR TOO WELL.

I've basically been told that in one form or another all my life.

I struggle with that same feeling quite often.

See, for Susan it isn't about wanting to be someone's ONLY friend...not at all. It is about wanting to be someone's MOST IMPORTANT friend. She wants a friendship in which she KNOWS without a doubt that if that other person could choose only one or two people out of ALL their friends to spend time with, that other person would pick her. It isn't a matter of that person ALWAYS calling her and never anyone else. It is the idea of knowing that if that person had to pick their MOST IMPORTANT friend, it would be her.



I feel that way too...lots of times. I have a total complex that I am nothing but a burden to people. I'm quite introverted and am truly only comfortable with a handful of people, and enumerating most two most important friends is a complete no brainer.

Given the choice, I would spend time with only those two friends. But the truth is, if I have asked someone to do something with me and have been turned down more than once (esp if that person then goes to do the very same activity with another friend), I start to wonder if that person didn't want to do the activity or just didn't want to do it with ME.  I don't like pushing myself on people, and I have a deep-seated need to know that people are consciously CHOOSING me....that I'm not just a fall-back person (which is like being the platonic friendship version of the "side piece") :)

Are we the oddballs here?
Do others feel this way? I'm guessing the answer has to be yes, but are the others only people found in mental institutions?!? :)

People like Susan and me need the big gesture. We need to hear fairly often that we really do mean something to our friends and loved ones. And we really do need that one friend that we KNOW without a doubt would always pick us. Because, well, you know that when the zombie apocalypse comes, allegiances are hard to come by. :D

So I guess the point of all this is, lots of you out there might not be like us. Maybe you are a total extrovert who is convinced that everyone loves you. No joke. I'm guessing there are really people out there like that. Or maybe you are such a loner that you don't care about that. But if you have someone special in your life who is like us, I'm giving you a special guide for our care and feeding. Please acknowledge us as your most important friend if that is the way you feel. It isn't that we doubt  being loved; it is more that we doubt being loved in any special way, despite the fact that we LOVE others in that way. We really need to get it back. We need to occasionally feel really special

Teaching and Autism

This has been a crazy week.
New student.
Completely new classroom dynamic.
Ignorant comments.
Hurtful looks.
Trying to help other teachers sort things out.
Trying to not make my boss's life more complicated.
My own personal problems.
Fits.
Tears.
Tantrums.
And that was just me....LOL
Like I said, crazy week.

Autism is hard. Really hard. But you know what is harder? Overcoming ignorance. Especially when it comes from, people who ought to know better. My students-all the students in the AU program--are just KIDS, and they have dreams and feelings just like every other kid. And they are cute, funny, amazing, and they teach me stuff EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

I happen to have the absolute greatest principal and assistant principal around; they are both super supportive....I am so grateful for that. They provide the opportunities for my students to be as "normal" as possible while still understanding that trying to do all the "normal" things might have limits or require accomodations. And that is such a relief and takes so many worries away from me.

I'm a teacher. Please don't call me an "educator" because that is a term that sounds ridiculously huaghty and self-important to me. I work alongside other fantastic teachers and support staff every day who are supposed to understand that children come in many different flavors. So tell me why it is that I get "the look" from some people when one of my students has a meltdown? One day this week, FIVE people came out to stare when this happened---and only ONE asked if I needed help or if there was anything she could do. But there WAS gawking and head-shaking by others. It took me by surprise because under most circumstances, our school has the best/most helpful people.

Well, welcome to autism. It wasn't a show; my student wasn't being a brat; and truth be told, it could have happened in any classroom in the building. Kids with autism don't corner the market on meltdowns.

On Friday at dismissal, this very same thing happened. There was a HUGE very public meltdown. And guess what?

IT WASN'T A STUDENT WITH AUTISM!!!!

Also this week, I heard the following words from a district employee who was visiting our school:
"It is just so sad. Can those children even learn ANYTHING???"

Seriously?!? WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. HECK???

 MY husband calls me the autism whisperer. Nothing could be farther from the truth, but I will take it!! :)  I'm no autism expert, I'm not even that good with people. Helping is just in my nature. I'm interested in breaking through walls with kids, and the working of the brain fascinates me. I want to understand people, and I want to meet my students at LEAST halfway.

Let me tell you some things that would help me out:

1. Don't say, "I don't know how you do it...." My job isn't miracle working and I believe anyone COULD do it but not everyone WANTS to do it. And that's OK. But I promise you that if your child had autism, you too could learn to relate and handle children with autism. No magic here.

2. Don't ask me how I get any teaching done. Obviously it is a struggle, but we slog through just like you do. I have to start in a different place than you do, but the methods are the same.

3. Don't ask, "Aren't you exhausted?" The answer is yes....everyday. But it doesn't matter. Aren't you tired every day?
4. Don't ask me questions that you should be asking my students. If you want to know how old the kids are or what they like or how they are feeling, ask them....not me. They have mouths. They aren't pets. If they can't or won't answer, I will answer for them, but you should ALWAYS treat them like they WILL answer. I spend every day teaching appropriate social skills, and it does no good if they never get a chance to practice them.
5. Don't talk t me about their diet/ immunizations/ or talk about autism as though it is a disease.

6. And don't count them out. DON'T. YOU. EVER. COUNT. THEM. OUT.

What Has Happened to Parents?

Yesterday my daughter was telling me about something that happened at her school. She characterized it as "unfair", but I am often leery of that particular word. In our house that often means, "anything that doesn't suit me". This time, though, she was spot on.

It seems that there was a girl at her school who tried out for the volleyball team. We might know a thing or two about that . Sarah tried out last year. Girls at her school have to choose whether to try out for volleyball or track, as they run simultaneously and girls can't do both. Last year Sarah chose poorly.

It wasn't really her fault, though. The assistant principal told us at registration that none of the girls would have experience playing (Sarah had never played before), so it wouldn't matter that she was new to the sport. That was oh so very false. Most every girl there had either played on the team previously, played rec/traveling volleyball, or both. After the first day of weeklong tryouts, Sarah wasn't even allowed to touch the ball. She had to keep going for the whole week to officially be cut, even though she knew it all week.

It was tough for her. She ALWAYS gets everything she tries out for. She had never been rejected. While I was sad for her, in reality I was kinda glad. Everyone needs to experience that so that they learn how to be a good loser as well as a good winner. I don't beleive you can be a truly good winner if you don't know how it feels to lose.

Back to this other girl though. When she found out that she didn't make it, she cried. In middle school. In front of people. OK so I will admit that I am a crier. But I WOULDN'T have cried where anyone could see me....actually I probably wouldn't have cried about that but even if I had I would have cried in private. Then she ran home and TOLD HER MOMMY. What happened next was both unbelievable and yet predictable.

Mom went to the school, raised hell with the coach.....and guess who's on the team now? What the actual hell? Really? So now she is on the team and all the other girls on the team hate her because she sucks at volleyball. What do you bet that when the other girls shun her, Mommy will be right back at the school complaining about how her daughter is being bullied? Guess what??? THAT'S NOT BULLYING. That would be what I call "schoolyard justice". The supposed adults won't handle it, so the kids feel like they have to.

When did this happen to our society? Since when do parents get to run things at school? Guess what? You might not feel like the tryout process is fair....so what? Life isn't fair. The bottom line is, that mom wasn't at practice, she isn't the coach, and SHE DOESN'T GET TO PICK. And I'm sure that if the coach benches the girl because she can't play, Mommy will get fired up about that too.

It just makes me angry that so many children are being raised with this sense of entitlement....of "everyone's a winner" and "you can be anything you want". You CAN'T be anything you want. If you can't sing, you aren't going to win American Idol. If you are terrible at math/science, you AREN'T going to be an engineer. Our world isn't going to get better until we start getting REAL with our kids and stop coddling them. Coddled, spoiled, entitled brats grow up into coddled, spoiled, entitled adults who have no work ethic and want everything given to them. Wake up, parents.

Sometimes I'm a Bad Person

Yep. Today is one of those days.

I really try to be a good person. I do. I try.

I pray every day for God to help me be a better person. I give of myself until I'm exhausted. I do things I don't want to because it is the good, decent, right thing to do. I share practically everything....I stop everything to help other people.

But some days, my inner bitch sees something or hears something that JUST. SENDS. ME. OVER. THE. EDGE.

And you don't want to see me go over the edge.

The problem is, the stuff that makes this happen is so stupid. And basically it always come down to the same thing....hating someone for no good reason. And that has happened to me again this week.

Oh I have REASONS. Don't misunderstand. Just no GOOD ones. :) 

I read this today:

And OMG. I want to argue with that so badly. I want to say, "No but see....". The truth is though that I can't even begin to argue with that. As laughable as this sounds, this morning Pinterest has exposed "the man behind the curtain". (Yes, yes, I too had to ignore the poor grammar in the quote, but I will live....)

Please tell me you guys have at least occasionally felt this way. I hate someone who is really nice. Whom I don't even really know. Who has done nothing to me. This makes me awful. Doesn't it?!?

But have you ever met one of those people who gets EVERYTHING you want but isn't even trying? That achieves a level of popularity, success, notariety, or love that you might have been working toward for YEARS?!?

That no matter how much you do, no matter how far out there you put yourself, you will never get noticed or get back the love that he or she gets. (Oh, who am I kidding?!? You know it is a chick. Women don't feel this way toward guys.) And it is just effortless. Nothing I do is effortless. Every single interaction I have with people takes some sort of effort. It isn't natural for me. Not saying that I don't WANT to interact with people, just that it isn't so easy for me. 

And did I mention that she is nice?!?

At least in high school when I hated every single girl who got into a sorority, most of those girls acted like they could see right through me. I'm sure they were really nice too, but I could pretend that they were all bitches because rarely did any of them talk to me much. 

But I'm GROWN. How can I be this way? How can I be so insecure, so jealous, so ridiculous about someone I barely know....or anyone period? How can I be so threatened by someone who clearly does not even know that we are having this pretend competition? Better yet, why am I in a PRETEND competition in my own head with someone I don't even know? 

I will tell you why. It is because I am dreadfully insecure and waiting daily for people in my life to tell me what a failure I am and how they only deal with me out of pity. How nothing I do is good enough or worth anything. How they don't really want to spend any time with me. How I am not really good at what I do. How I am not smart enough, funny enough, happy-go-lucky enough. How our relationship is just to onerous. 

But whose problem is that? Certainly not the people I hate for no good reason. 

So I will keep praying and keep trying. Keep getting up every day and dealing with these feelings...dealing with this person with the kindness that she deserves. I will grit my teeth and keep forging ahead until I overcome these feelings and can see her for the person she really is instead of what she represents in my life. 

Robin Williams and Suicide

I'm as shocked as anyone else that Robin Williams apparently took his own life today. I didn't know him, but like everyone else, he seems like an old friend. Dead Poet's Society, Good Will Hunting, Fisher King, Aladdin, Good Morning Vietnam, Jumanji, Hook, Mrs. Doubtfire, Nine Months, The Birdcage….. he has always been there.

What isn't surprising is that Robin Williams suffered from depression, which is exceedingly common among comedians. People mistakenly believe that comedians are happy….that's why people are so surprised when people like Chris Farley and John Belushi drug themselves into an early grave. The manic happy thing is a mask, guys. Comedians tend to be misfits, introverts, cynics, and come from a troubled past. They can find nuggets of humor in some of the bleakest parts of life. That is a coping mechanism. It makes us laugh because we know how true it is. We relate. And that is like comedian therapy. But it isn't always enough because the audience isn't going to go home with the comedian at the end of the night.

I think Robin Williams was probably closer to himself in the more serious roles…I think that is when the mask slips a little.

Let me tell you folks a little something about depression---it isn't a weakness of character. It isn't selfishness or self-indulgence. The people I know who suffer from depression are some of the strongest people I know. That is why they are still alive right now. When depression is serious, the person has to make a decision that suicide is NOT an option. Otherwise those little intrusive voices in their heads are always telling them how much of a burden they are on others. How no one REALLY loves them or wants them around because it is just too much trouble. How their loved ones' lives would be so much happier without their baggage. I'm not saying that making the decision to stay alive makes those voices go away, but the decision does provide a certain sense of resolve.

I know a little bit about this issue. It is not easy or desirable to put this out in the open, but I think that it needs saying. Depression follows my OCD like a shadow….kinda like on that Abilify commercial. You know, the one where the lady is taking her meds but is still being followed by the dark cloud. I'm happy and content a lot, but when I'm not, I'm REALLY not. Like today. I'm so not OK today. If you could get inside my head and hear all the awful things that I hear about myself. And I KNOW I am not the sum total of those things. I guess I know. That little voice in my head that tells me that no one loves me and EVERYONE is lying and putting up with me just to not hurt my feelings….that asshat needs to go. I just don't need to hear that anymore.

Suicide is obviously not the right answer. Nor is it the only answer. I know that. You know that. Robin Williams knew that. Unfortunately, when he lost focus and started listening to the little whispers, he didn't have anyone there to remind him. (And people with depression don't like to ask for or accept help because we don't want to be a burden. )We all need people around us willing to do that.

What is Beautiful? I Think I know....

I'm not sure I understand us here in the US; I'm puzzled by our view on beauty. We do a lot of talking about what we should do to help our children, esp daughters, grow up with a healthy body image and a realistic view of beauty. We want our daughters getting fit and strong, and we want them to stop chasing the "thigh gap" ideal....but we keep showing them actresses and models who look like that. We know magazines are photoshopped, but we buy them anyway. We live every day on a visual diet of a practically impossible idea of what people really look like.....then we look in the mirror and are repulsed.

We tell young people to concentrate more on what is inside.....the heart, soul, spirit, whatever you choose to call it. WE ARE RIDICULOUS HYPOCRITES.

I'm not villainizing the thin, the flawlessly beautiful. If that is you, you are awesomely blessed. And I'm sure you find other faults with yourself. I love Emma Stone as much as the next girl.

I will tell you though; I am MUCH more interested in the actresses that are more than just a pretty face. So I'm going to list a few of my favorites that might go outside the norm:

Alex Kingston   Phylicia Rashad      Helena Bonham Carter     Helen Mirren    Gillian Anderson
Emma Thompson    Minnie Driver   Ruby Dee (RIP)  Patti LaBelle    Julianne Moore
Maggie Smith    Judi Dench     Kate Blanchett    Meryl Streep    Viola Davis    Jessica Lange

And I don't mean just women; here are some of my unusual guy crushes:
Idris Elba    Aidan Quinn    Christopher Meloni    Seth Meyers     Jimmy Fallon     Ewan MacGregor
Viggo Mortensen     Michael Clarke Duncan (RIP) Billy Joel   Bruce Willis    Mikhail Baryshnikov
Laurence Fishburne   Dennis Quaid  


So I'm going to show you just a TINY sample of the real people in my life who are absolutely beautiful in my eyes.

 
 
 
 

If you look at these pictures and wonder what I find so beautiful...then you haven't looked hard enough. Look again. Then go and throw away some magazines. :)

50 Shades of Grey Uproar...Give Me a Break.

Silly me. I thought that the controversy about 50 Shades of Grey was over. I thought maybe we wouldn't have to talk about it anymore. I didn't REALLY think they would try to make a movie out of it....how is it that I can be such a realist but still continue to be surprised when movie makers just HAVE to cash in on something even when it doesn't make sense.

A 50 Shades of Grey movie doesn't make sense. Period.

But THAT really isn't my issue. My issue is all the indignant posts I have seen on Facebook and other places now that there is a trailer for the movie being shown on TV. You know, the posts about how 50 Shades of Grey is eroding marriage and how it is pornography and is altering our perception of real life. THAT IS TOTAL CRAP....for several reasons.

First, if you have not read ALL THREE books in the trilogy, SHUT UP. Just shut it. You don't know what you are talking about, as usual. Just like with everything else, there are too many people out there criticizing something they know nothing about. Like the people who say Harry Potter is demonic but haven't read it...and don't see that it is a good vs evil, almost Christ allegory, not really any different from The Chronicles of Narnia. (The only difference is that it is OK to talk about witches if the author is a minister like CS Lewis)

THERE ARE GOING TO BE SPOILERS.
I'm not here to convince you that 50 Shades is great literature or anything. But it WAS fun reading. But besides that, here is a truth you may have missed. While Ana and Christian have an "arrangement" at first, Christian soon realizes that he has no interest in being with anyone but Ana. Plus, at the end of book 2, Ana leaves Christian because she no longer wants to be part of the dom-sub thing. When they get back together, it is in a committed relationship...and they get married and have a baby at the end. Also, if you atually READ the books, you find that the reason Chritian doesn't really know how to have a regular relationship with a woman is because he was molested by his mom's friend as a teenager and introduced to the dom-sub world during his formative years. He never really sees a real relationship. He has to learn about it. The story also shows how this arrangement can go wrong if one of the pair is mentally unstable (like with the other girl).

The books also have a real storyline.....a fatal attraction, someone trying to kill them, etc. There is really lots more than sex. To be honest, by the end of book two, the sex really was secondary as far as I was concerned.

And then lets talk about the sex. Not that I plan to be graphic or anything, but I don't really understand what all the controversy is about. They are consenting adults and the stuff they do isn't that unusual....people do those things every day.....in the privacy of their own bedrooms. Trust me. I'm not saying I'm a fan of their arrangement...I think that part is weird. But then again, I am not into casual sex at all. Sex is a love thing only with me, but within the confines of my marital bed, I will do whatever I see fit. And I don't need or want anyone's permission or approval about that. I don't understand why that should be different with Ana and Christian. I don't understnad how what these fictional characters are doing is somehow going to erode YOUR marriage. The bottom line is that they agree on what they will do, they are responsible about it (mostly), and when the arrangement no longer works, they renegotiate. AND IT IS FICTION.

If you don't like it, don't read it. No one is forcing you. But keep you mouth shut when you are tempted to shame others for reading it. It is none of your business. And as is most often the case, most of us out here in the world are not really interested in what you have to say as long as you are riding your condescending moral high horse. Here is a for instance, I think Magic Mike is absolutely stupid. You couldn't have dragged me to see that. But I don't belittle my friends who went and REALLY enjoyed themselves. Good for them. It is simply escapism at its best. STOP JUDGING PEOPLE. GET OVER YOURSELVES. LIVE AND LET LIVE.

What Makes Me Happy

I haven't blogged in a while, but I feel like talking about happiness today.

I think I'm super low maintenance in the happiness area; it does't really take a lot. That whole thing about money not buying happiness? Check. I get that. I have no particular attachment to things. Don't get me wrong; I LOVE gifts. I LOVE jewelry. I mean, who doesn't? I wouldn't turn my nose up at a little blue box.

But I don't need it. And I certainly don't associate that with love. 

Let me tell you what DOES make me happy...

1. Having a brand new project to work on.....making things with my hands.

2. Spending time with people who love me...we don't even really have to be doing anything special. 

3. Getting phone calls. I LOVE talking on the phone. I LOVE hearing my friends' voices.

4. Getting texts....even if all they say is "I love you and am thinking of you"

5. Hearing Sarah laugh....OMG that is the best sound in the whole world

6. Puppy kisses

7. Friends checking on me when they know I'm going through something tough.

8. Music and singing

9. Talking about books/nerdy things with someone equally interested

10. When Nick actually decides to spend time with the family

11. PICTIONARY!!!!

12. Hiking/being outside/camping.....I rarely get to do this

13. the ocean

14. Being held, especially if I'm feeling bad. 

15. Sci-Fi or fantasy movies

16. People telling me how they feel about me...over and over. Yeah, I know that is stupid, but it is true.

17. cooking

18. boxing

19. baby animals

20. baths/hot tubs. 

I'm sure there are many many more things that make me happy. Point is, most of these are things I can't buy. Most of these things are experiences, and those are the things I remember and cling to when I'm not so happy. 

There are lots of commercials for things that supposedly will make you happy or make your life better; those commercials make me gag. Most of the things that make me the happiest only make me happy because of the people who experience them with me. While I like nice things, I would be fine without them...but I wouldn't be fine without the people I love. 

I may not want to have very many people in my circle, but the people I let in are VERY important to me. Happiness comes from loving both myself and those few people. The people in my circle make my life worth living; I sometimes wonder if the people in my circle know how truly important they are and how carefully I selected them. :)

The Milltary Wife Using Deployment as an Excuse to Kill

Deployment sucks. I'm not going to lie. It really does. And there are LOTs of situations in which "my husband is deployed" is a perfectly acceptable excuse for why something got neglected or forgotten. Late for school? Sure. Forgot ball practice? Absolutely. Had to eat fast food dinner three nights in a row? Uh-huh. Shoes don't match? Of course. Kill my kid? Um...........

I remember reading about this when it first happened but apparently the trial is about to start. To catch up anyone who might have missed it, this military wife names Tiffany Klapheke allowed her  22 month old child to starve to death in a filth-ridden home reeking of urine and feces. She blames the death on the fact that no one helped or supported her while her husband was deployed and that she was stressed out from caring for her three small children...she has three children and she is only 22 herself. REALLY?!?!?!?!?!?

The first problem with that is that she had moved a BOYFRIEND into the house while her husband was gone. She apparently had time for him but not time to feed her almost 2 year old...you know, the kid that can TALK...can beg for food. This isn't an, "I feel asleep and the baby wandered outside and fell in the pool". She (and the boyfriend...who swears he had no idea that the child was in the other room starving...ok whatever) ignored the child's cries and pleas, not for hours or for a day....for DAYS. Plural. The child had chemical burns on her bottom from the feces and urine of the unchanged diaper.

But here is my biggest problem. Since when does taking even MINIMUM care of the kids you chose to have become the Army's responsibility? I bet if she had ASKED for help or let anyone know she was struggling, people would have come. It is a very convenient excuse. Family Support Groups exist for a reason. But it isn't anyone else's RESPONSIBILITY to care for those children.

I'm going to be honest. I haven't always had the best luck with people helping me. I never got more than one meal delivered when I had a baby. No one from my husband's command showed up when I miscarried my first baby. When my husband deployed the first time, I went out alone maybe 4 times, even though I had family living close by. When I thought we were getting divorced, people ran from me like I had the plague. When he was deployed this last time, I was working fulltime, going to grad school at night, shuttling kids to activities after school every day of the week, and still cooking and cleaning and managing to keep people alive without much help. When Rick had his back surgery, no one brought meals or asked if I needed anything or came with me while I sat alone in the waiting room in another city. But you know what? I NEVER ASKED EITHER. I bet people would have helped if they knew I needed it, and I DID need it. But when you look strong and act like you have it all together, people forget to offer.

There are all kind of programs out there at ACS (Army Community Service) for deployed families. Free childcare hours, free dinners monthly with childcare provided, parenting classes, counseling, etc. She didn't avail herself of any of that. It is really easy to try to use the Army as a scapegoat for this child's death, but that is not even one bit fair.

This is the face of Tamryn Klapheke:

These are the little eyes that cried from hunger until she got too weak to do that anymore. This is the face of the child that was just too big a burden for her selfish, ridiculous bitch of a mother to care for. This didn't happen because Tamryn's daddy was deployed; this happened because Tamryn's mom is evil. I don't have any other words for it. 

Don't Be a Jerkface. Seriously.

I have decided that while some of us were learning manners from our parents, other people were being raised by wolves....and not polite wolves. Actually wolves are too nice....more like snarling, rabid, mutant kodiak bears with a taste for human flesh.

And nowhere is this more evident that at the mall or Walmart or Target. There are just some things that you just DON'T do. They are rude, folks. And if you are guilty, change. :)

1. If you bump into me in the mall, say excuse me. 

2. If you see people coming the opposite direction, move over enough to make room so that you don't HAVE to bump into anyone. If that means that you and your 12 friends have to walk single file for 30 seconds, deal with it. 

3. You do not have to scream at each other to be heard. You also don't have to laugh obnoxiously loud. You may not realize that we all KNOW you are just trying to get everyone's attention, but we do. It is stupid; stop.

4. When coming out of a side aisle into the main aisle, look first. Pretend you are in your car. It will avoid us crashing our carts into each other. If I am in the main aisle, I shouldn't have to watch for you.

5. If you take your cart to the parking lot, put it in the cart return. The 10 extra steps it takes isn't the end of the world. That is just laziness. If you don't want to walk far, do what I do and park next to the cart return.

6. Do not walk down the middle of the parking lot aisle. I should not have to go 1 mile an hour behind you while you saunter to your vehicle.  Pick a side. You aren't royalty...you aren't that important.

7. When walking down aisles or climbing stairs, stay to the right. Again, just like in your car. Then there wouldn't be a traffic jam.

8. Hold the door for people if they are right behind you...no matter your gender or theirs. 

9. Do not leave your trash in the cart for someone else to deal with. Clean up after yourself. 

10. If you decide against buying something, put it back where you got it (esp if it is a refrigerated or frozen item)

11. DO NOT SPIT OUT GUM ON THE GROUND!!!!! EVER EVER EVER

12. Be kind to the cashiers and other workers...whether they are working hard or not. Be friendly, say hello, ask how their day has been, and try not to talk on the phone while checking out. Treat them like PEOPLE.  

13. Stop driving around and around the parking lot looking for a better space. If you have to walk a few extra feet, so what? Generally speaking, the people I observe doing this the most are the people who could most use the exercise. 

14. And don't let your kid tear around the store causing mayhem. If you have chosen to go to the store during what should be your child's naptime or late at night, you cannot then yell at, spank, or berate your child for acting out. YOU are the one who is wrong. (and as an addendum, stop telling your child over and over to stop doing something. Either actually make your child stop or give up. The rest of us don't want to listen to you yell "stop touching that" 500 times. Move him or take it away)

Basically, just use common courtesy. But that isn't so common anymore. 

Losing My Mind? Maybe, Maybe Not :)

You know those times when you are a stay-at-home mom and you find yourself in the middle of doing something REALLY less than sexy? Like...oh I don't know...scrubbing vomit out of the carpet while humming the Dora theme song? Stuff like that.

I really thought those days were long past.

I thought I was past the indignities of children blurting out random TMI or inappropriate observations about other adults around us.

I thought I was done wiping bottoms, noses, tying shoes.

But just today I found myself singing the following (TO MYSELF DURING MY PLANNING PERIOD):

The phone. The phone is ringing.
The phone. We'll be right there.
The phone. The phone is ringing.
There's an animal in trouble.
There's an animal in trouble.
There's an animal in trouble somewhere.

WOW. 

For those of you not hip enough to know, that's the Wonderpets theme. You know, these guys. 

WTH??

I'm too cool for that. 

I listen to AUDIOSLAVE. I have a MASTERS DEGREE. I go to CROSSFIT. I BOX. I'm an INTELLECTUAL for goodness sake. 

Wonderpets?!? SMH.

And today I said all of the following things:

"Please don't use my shirt to wipe your nose"

"Go get your secret box"

"I don't know where that Lego has been"

"Don't eat glue"

"Yes, I do think it would hurt for someone to climb your hair"

"Please don't throw the peanut"

"You can't just throw the food you don't want on the floor and then say it is trash"

"You can turn into a cat and scratch me all you want, but you still have to get off the computer"

This could be the degradation of my mind....or the best time of my life. 

Who knew that I would get so much pleasure out of teaching these little people whose internal processors have gone haywire? Who knew that I was going to love being immersed in their world so much? Who knew that I was going to just live for those very fleeting moments when I actually get a split second of eye contact and hear those magical words, "Hi, Henry!" 

I really love my job. 

Military Children and What That Means

April was the month of the military child...but my April was a little crazy and I never got to blog about it. So I'm going to try to catch up today.

I bet most of you in the civilian world had no idea that April was the month of the military child. Since it was Autism Awareness Month and Child Abuse Awareness Month as well, it is easy to miss. When you live on post and are part of a military family, the month of the military child get a lot of airplay. There are special free activities and giveaways, and the kids are really given recognition for thriving wherever they are planted. But in the "regular" world, military children don't often get treated as though they are special in any way....and while I am not trying to say that somehow MY children are more special than any other children, military children as a whole live a very different life and sometimes need to be honored for the things they endure and the sacrifices they are forced to make.

My husband signed on for this life. He wasn't forced; he wasn't drafted. He knew for a long time that this was the choice he was going to make...to serve his country and his fellow man. I don't mean to sound like some kind of propaganda film, but for my husband it REALLY was that altruistic. He is truly a good, moral, upstanding man....I think he might even be a great man although he's going to hate me saying that.

I signed on for this too. I knew when we were dating that he was going to get commissioned. I knew if I married him, it meant potentially living all over the world. I knew I would have to face deployments, weird living conditions, and not living near family. I knew I would have LOTS of jobs, but never a career of my own. I knew that it would mean starting over every three years or so. Did I always truly understand that? Not at all. But I knew and I made my choice.

But my kids....they did not have the luxury of making a choice.

The way I have justified that to myself is by saying, "They don't know any different," but in reality that is a lie. They didn't know the difference as long as we lived on post, but once we moved out into the regular civilian world, they instantly knew. So in reality, Sarah has known since she was five and Nick definitely since he was 7.

They are army brats....and don't be offended. BRAT to me means "Being raised in the army tradition". It really is positive. It is a tradition, and it is a special club. Really only other army brats understand their lives. I wouldn't be surprised if my kids told me that they are more comfortable with friends who also have a parent in the army....I have never heard them say that, but I would totally get it if they did.

Nick and Sarah have been to five different schools in five different states; by army standards, that isn't very many. Their dad has been deployed twice for a total of 18 months; that is ALSO not a lot. They have been fortunate.  But that doesn't change the fact that they have to recreate their lives every three years; they have to leave behind friends. They never get to put down roots.

They can never answer the question "Where are you from?" They have a really hard time remembering what things happened in which duty station. Playing on the same sports teams with the same coaches year after year will never happen.

They don't grow up going to grandma's house on Sundays or all the holidays....in fact, they don't REALLY know most of their relatives too well. Most of our family doesn't visit much, so they really only see the relatives when we travel to them.

And despite those things, they are really awesome, resilient, well-adjusted human beings. They are moral, kind-hearted, smart, responsible (except around the house), and funny. They handle all the changes in their lives with aplomb...far better than I do sometimes and CERTAINLY better than I would have as a kid.

They are absolutely the light of my life.