A Happy Message for a Rough Day

I have been suffering from a building migraine all day long. It tends to happen when the barometric pressure changes, and it is just a fact I have to live with. So I choose to search for the things that are happy and positive when I feel like my head is about to explode. :) Like the fact that I have eight more school days until my spring break trip to Kansas. Yay!

So today I am going to focus again on one of my favorite topics.....love. When I decide to love someone, it is fierce, deep, and forever. I am not given to doing things halfway. I didn't date a lot and I don't have a lot of friends---mostly because I don't fool around and I don't waste time on relationships that are just going to be superficial.

So....when I heard the song "Soldier" by Gavin DeGraw the first time, I wanted to cry because it more or less sums up EVERYTHING about me. When I am your friend, I am willing to go to great lengths to "be there". That is really important for me. And the truth is, you need to let me be there; that is very fulfilling for me. The only thing I ask in return is that you be there for me too.

Here's the problem with me though. I have a really hard time asking people for what I want and need. I don't like to be an inconvenience or a bother, and I am so sensitive to that that I will try everything else before asking for help. This is why sometimes people think I can't handle "no". It really isn't that. The truth is that I hold it all back so long that by the time I finally find something important enough to ask about, it is SO important that if the person says no, it crushes me. Plus, I rarely tell anyone "no"....I haven't told my BFF no in the whole 11 years I have known her.

So I decided to give the sign language thing another go...even though I am pretty bad at it. I signed "Soldier" as a nod to the people I love....my family and friends. If I have ever been there when you needed me, then chances are I always will be.

My Effort at Sign Language as Tribute to the Sweetest Girl

I thought I would post this video as a tribute to my dear sweet friend Josie Carlton. You inspired me to give it a try. Please don't anyone think this is some kind of cry for help...I picked the song becuase it was SLOW, EASY, and pretty. LOL

Lent Post: Is It OK to Be Mad at God?

I was tempted to start off this blog entry by asking if any of you had ever been angry with God...but I'm not going to do that. If I ask that, I am just setting you up to lie. I fully believe that EVERYONE has been angry with God at one time or another, but a lot of you out there would probably not want to admit it. I'm not really sure why....

Maybe the deal is that it makes us feel unfaithful. If you REALLY think about it, though, that line of thought makes no sense. If we didn't BELIEVE in God and His power, then we wouldn't be angry with Him. You can't be angry with something or someone you don't even believe exists.

I'm angry with God right now. I will freely admit that to you. Really really angry.

And I certainly don't want to hear all the platitudes..TRUST ME...I've heard them.

First, let me say this....God can handle us being angry. It really isn't any different from when we as parents deal with our toddlers having a tantrum. We don't stop loving our children when they have tantrums. We simply realize that it is a developmental response to frustration...to not being able to truly articulate their needs, to not be able to understand why they are not the center of the universe. Is it all that different from us? We can't understand God's methods or the larger plan...and sometimes that makes us frustrated, angry, and confused. (If you are interested in reading more about this from someone much more respected and learned than I am, read the book When Bad Things Happen to Good People)

I am all those things right now. I am confused and angry and frustrated. There are days when I feel like a three year old pounding my fists on the ground. I don't understand what God intends, and I cannot make sense of the things being placed in my path. I feel lost. And, boy oh boy, have I been telling him about it!

Still nothing.

And I'm still angry.

But eventually I figure God will let me in on SOME part of the plan. At least I hope so. And I keep praying, even if they aren't the sweetest of prayers. At least they are honest. At least I am not trying to hide from God the feelings He already KNOWS I'm having. What point would there be in lying to Him AND myself? I'm not going to be one of those people who goes around spouting how blessed I am while keeping my disappointment and frustration all bottled up in a tiny corner of my heart....for it to just grow and grow into something dark and ugly. I'm going to drag it out into the light and embrace it. God can handle it.