BFFs and Love

I see these inspirational things all over Facebook. Wonderful, right? I guess some people might think this is the point of love. I don't though; I disagree with even the basic premise. I don't love like that. 

I have a couple of best friends, but I'm going to tell you about one of them today. She's my "adult" bestie. She's like all the rest of us; she has a face for the public and then the one that is more private. The public face is fantastic---everyone loves her. She is the first one to volunteer for everything. She has the most patient, elementary teacher kind voice. She loves animals and children. She makes everyone around her feel important. She always looks perfect--perfect clothes, hair, everything.  She is a beautiful, lively, happy woman of God. Seriously, everyone loves her. How could they not? She has scads of friends and everyone wants to spend time with her. 

 My friend is all those things; it isn't a mask. But she is so much more than that. 

The public face is OK I guess, but she isn't the one I love. 

I can't tell you why I love her because I don't feel qualified to discuss the whys and wherefores of love, but I can tell you some of the things I love about her. She won't like it; she might not even believe it. She might say that some of these things are qualities she hates. But here it is:

The one I love cackles when she laughs at something truly funny. I love that sound so much. I suspect from things she has said in the past that she sees the cackle as somehow unattractive; I couldn't disagree more. It's a beautiful sound. She also makes funny noises when she sees cute animals. She comes up with all sorts of nicknames for her pets. 

The one I love has a bad temper and can be a little passive-aggressive when she's angry. (It sometimes takes me by surprise, but I cherish it; it is real. I have a really bad temper too, and the fact that she has a temper makes me feel very validated.) Her temper doesn't scare me off; it just lets me know she really FEELS. ...plus, I'm not convinced it is really as bad as all that. She hasn't stabbed anyone yet, so I mean....

The one I love likes wine and sometimes swears. I adore that. And hearing her use profanity so flies in the face of who she LOOKS like she is that it almost makes me laugh....I just adore it. I like swearing friends...so sue me. They make me feel like I can be myself; I trust people who swear. She really tries not to, but I know she at least thinks it, and that's enough for me. 

The one I love has a dark sense of humor; she jokes about making people disappear and running off to tropical islands without batting an eye. She makes me laugh at all the wrong times. We talk and text about stuff that would make anyone else contact Homeland Security. Nobody makes me laugh quite like she does...it sometimes makes me make that donkey sound or no sound comes out at all. Sometimes my side hurts from laughing. 

She gives me a sense of peace when I am with her that I don't really have many other times. 

The one I love sometimes is a little time-challenged. Her life can be really messy; her family is complicated. She forgets to call me back. She worries too much. She's easily distracted.

And I LOVE her for all of it. 

I don't love her DESPITE these things. I love her BECAUSE of these things. 

I'm not sure I even agree with the picture above....I don't see them as mistakes and weaknesses.  They aren't flaws in her character. They ARE her character. Those things make her three-dimensional.  There is no "still" in my thoughts; she just IS amazing. Her public face is wonderful and kind and beautiful....but kinda flat to me. I don't find the real her somehow flawed; I find her glorious.

I WANT her to be real. I want her to call/text me and unload all her baggage. Of course, I want to hear all her happy things, but I really want to hear all of her not-so-happy things. I want to both celebrate and cry with her, but the truth is that ANYONE could celebrate with her. I want to be with her even when she might consider herself "unfit for human consumption". I want her to know that I am always there, and there will never come a time that she isn't my family. There is nothing too awful, nothing that will make me turn away. I would hold back her hair while she vomited; I would sit with her even if she were contagious.

All I really know is that MY version of her is perfect just the way she is---perfectly imperfect in every way; she doesn't have to change or pretend.  All I know is that I love her. She is fearfully and wonderfully made; I love every single inch of her every single day. She is just so beautiful to me.....beautiful hair, eyes, nose...she even has beautiful fingers. Yeah, I said fingers. Every day I think that I love her as much as is humanly possible and then a new day comes and I love her more.

So she might be the only person who ever really sees this. And that's fine. She's the only one who really needs to hear it. Or maybe I just needed to say it.

And for those people who only get to see the public face, it is their loss. But I'm not sorry. I'm glad I get to see a part of her that most others don't.

Confessional Time: How I Spent My Summer

Today is the one year anniversary of Robin Williams's death, and it has me thinking. Without making myself sound like Picasso or anything, I have had a Blue Period this summer.

Admitting this makes me feel like a giant fraud. I'm embarrassed about it. It makes me feel so weak.

But I just got overwhelmed with stuff. And I did what people like me do when we get stuck in that place, I hid. I hid because I don't want to bring anyone down. I hid because I don't want people to see me as a burden. I hid because basically I am afraid of people, of rejection, of being alone. WAIT. WHAT? I hid out in my house most of the summer because I'm afraid of being alone? Hid from some of the people that mean the very most to me. That makes NO sense, but that's the conundrum of depression. Uh-uh....this isn't the face of depression....

Well, um, is THIS the face of depression?

I'm REALLY not good at asking for help or admitting that I'm scared or feeling alone. Obviously I'm not good at it. People don't even seem to know I'm asking. You remember that time I thought my daughter was paralyzed from a sledding accident and I was sitting in the ER waiting room by myself? No? Weird. What about when my husband's surgery had gone on three hours too long and I was in the waiting room alone in a strange city and scared to death? No? What about when the doctor told me I had a tumor growing in my nasal passage? Or when Nick couldn't stop vomiting? Or when Rick's bone graft failed?  Or when I thought Rick's career was over? Or when I thought my MARRIAGE was over? 

Oh, and I push people away. And I wait for people to call ME or text ME; I feel like if I am always the one to call or text, it is because my friends don't want to be bothered. I wonder if people miss me. I obsess over it. And I really worried that a relationship had ended this summer because I couldn't overcome the inertia and fear...

The only person who consistently forces me out of hiding is Erin but she has had 30 years of practice and somehow she just KNOWS. But the truth is, I'm really trying to do better. If I have ever said to you that I am feeling completely alone or I'm struggling or something like that, I'm trying to reach out. And I don't do that to just anyone. If I have said that to you, then I love and trust you immensely. I don't trust many people. And if I have ever admitted being scared, then I must love you above all else because that is something I almost never say. 

I have even forced MYSELF out of hiding several times this summer.....YAY ME! I have also stepped out and asked people to come see me and come do things with me, which opens me up to the rejection I fear so much. It's hard but I'm doing it; I just need to get to the point that people can really HEAR me. I wish Robin Williams had felt he could reach out and make himself heard too. I bet he had TONS of friends who would've been there if they had understood. I bet I do too. :)

And please don't let me push any of you away. No matter what it looks like, I DON'T want that. It would break my heart. 

The Indiana Conundrum...And Consequences

As is the case with many hot button issues in our world, the situation with Memories Pizza in Walkerton, Indiana causes a knee-jerk reaction in many of us. It certainly did with me. How DARE they discriminate against that couple! Why, the outrage was REAL!!!

But before people started boycotting their restaurant and such, maybe we should study what we are asking of them more closely because the situation isn't as easy as it might seem.

DISCLAIMER: Before anyone gets his/her panties all in a bunch, I'm only trying to show where the holes are in our logic. I'm not agreeing with the O'Connors' beliefs or espousing them myself. Everyone should know by now where I stand on gay marriage and homosexuality in general, but I HAVE to show you guys the can of worms we are opening here.

OK. So people seem to want the pizza place to be FORCED to cater a gay wedding. Even though it flies in the face of the religious beliefs of the people who own the restaurant. Sure OK, I hear you. You want to compare it to racial discrimination and not being able to sit at the lunch counter, etc. The first question that pops into my mind is this: Why would you want someone to cater your wedding who doesn't WANT to? I know that makes me sound like someone who has never suffered discrimination, and for the most part, that is true. It is the principle of it, I understand.

But now for something a little more pertinent: This gay couple is asking the proprietors of said restaurant to indirectly take part in a religious ceremony (even if the couple doesn't see it as a religious ceremony, most Christians see marriage as a religious rite sanctioned by God...a covenant before God...a sacrament) which is DIRECTLY in opposition with their beliefs. To "participate" in a religious ceremony that to some people amounts to near heresy. Just because we might believe that their beliefs are WRONG doesn't mean they can't have them. And those beliefs are protected under the Constitution. Now I get it that a business is not really supposed to have a faith....but the Hobby Lobby decision muddies those waters considerably.

The O'Connors have been very honest about what they believe. They do NOT discriminate against anyone who enters their restaurant to eat-all are welcome, but they don't want to be forced to participate in a gay wedding, even indirectly. Mr. O'Connor has stated that if he had a gay child, he would love that child but would NOT attend his/her wedding. And he has a right to hold those beliefs.

But now to the REAL CRUX of the matter: What will it really mean if businesses are forced to provide services to gay couples? OK HERE'S what it will mean. If companies cannot decline services based on religious beliefs, then if the Westboro Baptist Church people show up on your doorstep and want you to cater a huge anti-gay rally, you will HAVE to do it. If someone walks into your bakery and orders a cake that says, "Congratulations on your abortion; now you are going to hell", you will HAVE to make it. If you are a wedding planner and someone wants you to plan a satanist wedding complete with pentagrams and goat blood, you will HAVE to do it. It might even mean that if you are a Muslim or Jewish caterer, you might have to make and serve pork. I know those examples are ridiculous, but I'm using something extreme to show where this can go.

I HATE the idea that gay couples are being discriminated against because I don't really understand why everyone can't just live and let live. But problems arise when people want to protect ONE group, but sneer at others. I want to sneer at those groups too; they disgust me. But once we make a law about something, we will not be able to cherry pick to whom it will apply. And that isn't GOOD OR BAD...just equal. We have to be ready to trample people's beliefs equally...not JUST fundamentalist Christians. This is a much more complicated issue than just gay marriage.