Why You aren't OCD

I haven't posted anything to this blog in a LONG time; things have been crazy and unpleasant and I just haven't had the time or energy to think about writing anything but my dissertation. But it is Christmas break right now, and I NEED to write this.

You know I talk about mental health issues a lot....mostly because other people do not and that leaves so many people out there thinking they are the only ones struggling. And I REALLY want to take the stigma away from talking about mental health. Why should I have to be embarrassed? I wouldn't be embarrassed to tell you if I had diabetes or MS or high blood pressure.

So I'm going to talk a little bit about OCD. People think they know what OCD is, but usually they really don't. First off, OCD isn't something you ARE, it is something you HAVE. If your first thought when you read OCD was about handwashing or light switches, then you truly have NO IDEA. THIS is what OCD is about.

OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) is an anxiety disorder that is a cycle. When the person with OCD feels anxious and life seems out-of-control, he or she begins having obsessive thoughts. The obsessive thoughts go on and on and on like a GIF on loop, and generally these thoughts are composed of the most awful things a person can conceive of. About themselves, other people, the universe. The thoughts typically will not stop until the person does something that interrupts the thoughts...that is where the light switch or cleaning or handwashing thing sometimes comes in. Some people have compulsive actions like that. I have a friend who thinks she can fix the things that are wrong in her life if she buys the right conditioner or foundation; she knows how crazy that is but she can't just logic her way out of it. Others of us are compelled to do something like call or text people that are part of our obsessive thoughts or to go overboard doing things to keep ourselves constantly busy until we are too exhausted to think anymore.

For me, acts of service are my love language. So when something happens and I am extremely anxious about someone and I have obsessive thoughts about that person or situation, I am compelled to do some kind of act of service for that person and that dispels my obsessive thoughts for a while and comforts me. And helps that person too. Sometimes I have obsessive thoughts when nothing is happening and those thoughts can be about something that happened yesterday or ten years ago.

I totally obsess about being abandoned, whether the people who say they love me really do (especially if their actions and words don't match), whether people really want me around, whether I'm too weird for other people. I replay conversations, interactions, exchanges and beat myself up for not saying the right thing or handling it better. I also come up with a thousand scenarios that DIDN'T happen and will NEVER happen (good and bad).

So I expend a lot of time and energy talking myself off ledges and trying to just enjoy life. When I suppress the urge to act on my love language, the thoughts sometimes really become deafening. This is why I will take on projects that I really don't have time to do or why I took up painting or why I run and it is also why I always need the TV on. It's why I sing.

I don't want people to pity me or to think I am fragile or weak. I am neither fragile nor weak. If I were, I wouldn't be alive. I'm actually extremely tough and remarkably resilient. Although I am very emotional, I am GREAT in a crisis or emergency and am GREAT under pressure...because I am always under pressure. LOL. I am a mostly happy person, even with depression. I'm an incredibly devoted friend. I'm intensely loyal. I am used to the thoughts and wouldn't even know what it is like to not have them, but I am interested in people understanding how OCD works. Because it isn't about the compulsions, a person can't just STOP doing whatever it is and be cured. It's all about the anxiety. And it is hard to talk to people about what makes you anxious, especially if you know it is going to sound far-fetched or if it is about something that person has done or said. The thoughts lie and they take little pieces of the truth and spin it into something that may not even be real. It's embarrassing to have to ask people to reassure you about things you should never doubt. It's embarrassing to feel threatened about situations that may not even exist. 

So there it is. OCD. And mine is really not severe at all; mine is completely manageable. Imagine what it is like for others. And, yes, I wrote this so I wouldn't have to obsess about it anymore :)

Why People With Depression Don't Reach Out

Yeah, I know. Depression talk again?!?

But here's the thing. Yesterday was the third anniversary of Robin Williams's death, and with the recent suicides of both Chris Cornell and Chester Bennington, I have started hearing people ask those questions again.

How could someone so loved and successful do that?

How could he not be happy? He has everything!!

And my personal favorite: Why didn't he reach out to his family and friends?

I understand why people ask that. I really do. But as a person who suffers from fairly profound depression, I can explain it---at least from my perspective.

There are three main reasons.

1. We do not want you to talk about what we need clinically.
We already know that. We don't want you to ask us if we are seeing a counselor, if we are taking medication, if we have tried essential oils, if we meditate. WE WANT YOU TO LISTEN AND BE THERE. We KNOW what we should be doing clinically but a counselor doesn't really know us and certainly doesn't love us. Medication doesn't tell us it loves us. Essential oils can't hug us. WE WANT YOU. But you wouldn't believe how often we hear, "Maybe you should talk to someone." YEAH REALLY?!? I'm talking TO YOU!!! We don't expect you to be a counselor; we expect you to be an ear and a soft place to land when things are not going well.

2. We have a really really deep fear of rejection.
If we reach out and no one will make time for us, it only makes things worse. It is a vicious cycle. If we pretend to be OK and if we are being strong and trying to tough it out alone, then no one knows we are struggling....but if we ask and no one helps, it is devastating. People rarely expect you to drop everything right that minute, but make time. And if you say you are going to call, CALL. Check in with us out of the blue without a reason. Make us feel that we are important and that you think of us even when we aren't having a hard time.

3. We really worry about abandonment.
We worry that we will appear clingy and needy and like something is always wrong and that over time that will become so unattractive that you will walk away from us. And the truth is, we AREN'T always sad. But people do not notice when people aren't sad. People don't notice when we are killing it at life. But the minute we cave in and need support, we worry that people are thinking, "Oh God, here we go again." We worry our spouses will leave and that even our best friends will get exhausted and disappear. And it HAPPENS. So it isn't an irrational fear. We worry that you will stop asking us to do things if you think we are going to go all Eeyore on the event. We don't want to be alone.

So, what can people do to get depressed people to reach out? CONVINCE US. Convince us that we matter. Call us. Bother us. Force us outside ourselves. Don't get exasperated.

Here's a great link:
20 things to remember if you love someone with depression

Trust--When Actions Meet Words

When I originally started writing this blog, I thought I was going to use it for amusing observations and stories, but I quickly realized that I could put those things on my Facebook wall because EVERYONE likes those. This blog has morphed into something that is all about my favorite topic---relationships.

Today I want to talk about trust. A couple of weeks ago, I was involved in a situation that tested the trust between a person I love and me. It tested whether our relationship was such that I would believe her words over those of another person--a person who set out to hurt me in order to hurt her.

So how did I decide who to believe? I didn't decide. I trusted.

I don't trust very many people. Instead, I am exceedingly honest about who I am with pretty much everyone. While some people think that makes me an oversharer, I really do it because if everyone knows all about me, there is not a lot people can say about me to violate my trust. But when I do decide to trust someone, I really trust. That has sometimes come back to haunt me in really unpleasant ways.

People also tend to trust me and disclose things to me that they have no reason to, and that has put me in all kinds of awkward positions. Once, I moved to a new place and went into a shop where the SIL of someone I know worked. The lady behind the counter asked how I heard about the shop and when I told her that my friend's SIL worked there, the lady launched into a diatribe about my friend's SIL (who I don't know) and told me all kinds of things I didn't want to know. Well, maybe you already know what happened then. After I left, the lady realized she shouldn't have said all that and told my friend's SIL that a woman had come in asking all kinds of questions. Ummmm. I didn't ask her a damn thing. But imagine trying to explain that to my friend. Stuff like that happens to me all the time. I have one of those faces or something that makes people tell me things, but then they regret it. And i ALWAYS regret it...I don't want to know all that.

But here's my point. If you have someone in your life who trusts you, VALUE IT. Don't ever give that person a reason to doubt you. Once doubt creeps in, trust is never really the same.

I'm not saying that a broken trust is the end of a relationship...not at all. But trust is like a piece of paper....breaking a trust is like wadding the paper up into a ball and then smoothing it back out. You can still write on it and read it, but it will never be the same paper it was before you wadded it up. The creases will always be there. I have some people in my life who have broken my trust in the past, and I love them very much. But I will never trust them in the same whole-hearted way I did before.

I hope that my friend appreciates that I believed in her...in us. Our relationship hasn't always been the easiest---soooo easy face-to-face but more complicated long distance because we have very different approaches to friendship and need very different things. Sometimes we have misunderstandings because of those differences. But the relationship is very important to me and so is worth any petty misunderstandings. I trust her. I always have. Hopefully, I always will. And I hope she feels the same. I haven't ever violated her trust and never would. Frankly, I would never violate ANYONE'S trust unless I felt that it was necessary to keep that person safe.

I haven't posted to this blog in a LONG time. Things in the world have been so mixed up and so upside down that I couldn't even organize thoughts. I have been absorbed in the weird turn our society has taken. But eventually, my heart fills up and my head starts screaming that I have to get my ideas out. I have fought that feeling all week long and I just can't fight it anymore.

LOL.

I want to talk about my favorite topics...love, hurt, and relationships.

Yeah yeah. I know. AGAIN?!?!

But I guess I feel like I have to keep writing until people start being authentic with each other. Which means I might be writing about this forever.

This week, On This Day on Facebook reminded me that it was the two year anniversary of my grandmother's death and funeral. That event was the jumping off point for some real hurt for me. That was a really awful time for my family...Rick was struggling with health issues that we thought might end his Army career, I was single parenting for the month, Nana was dying, I had a very high intensity job, a lot of things. And someone I needed to rely on let me down in a huge way. HUGE.

And I was just very nearly mortally wounded in my heart. And I spent the next couple of months trying to decide what it was about me that made me not valuable and caused me not to get back the support and intensity of love that I give. And I cried a billion tears. At least. And I yelled at God. And I couldn't even express to this person how much I was hurting.

And I know what a lot of people would say. And DID say. I got lectures and scoldings.

And they were wrong.

Because love is an action and a choice. And everyone has to weigh options for themselves. And for me, when I have chosen someone to love, I love him or her HARD. And I love him or her whether they have earned it or not. My love is given, not earned. I know that it is important to consider whether that person would ever hurt me on purpose because intention matters. I always consider whether that person has the capacity for loving me and supporting me the way I need or if I am simply going to have to meet that person where he or she is. And can I live with it.

I'm not sure that my heart is mended yet. It really did a number on my self-esteem and my balance in the world. It made me doubt that I was a good person...again....for the millionth time. But it keeps me honest with myself. And it reminds me that people aren't perfect, especially not me.

I'm not saying that any of you should make the same choice....like I said, everyone has to weigh the options. Don't substitute my feelings and decisions for your own. But in my case, I will not give up on someone I truly love. Because in my mind and my heart, LOVE ALWAYS WINS.

“Life is a series of pulls back and forth... A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. Most of us live somewhere in the middle. A wrestling match...Which side win? Love wins. Love always wins” (Mitch Albom, Tuesdays With Morrie)

The Day I Talked About Prayer (Or Why No One Asks Me to Speak in Church :)

Most of us have been told at some point in our lives that it isn't polite to discuss religion and politics in mixed company. Good advice. This isn't mixed company, though, and I am giving you fair warning that you might not like what I'm about to say. Promise me, though, that if you are going to read any further, that you will read the WHOLE thing. You don't have to like it and you don't have to agree but try to see the point I am trying to make.

I believe in God. I really do. As a matter of fact, I think I have more faith than the average person. I also believe I have a much more mature faith than many people because I really think about it. I have never been one to just blindly believe or agree just because some other human tells me to. I don't care if that person is a nun, a priest, my mom....I have to explore things for myself.

So here's the thing. I told my BFF that I don't believe in prayer, but I don't think I made myself very clear. It isn't that I don't believe in prayer, but I don't believe in prayer the way most people do it. I do not think that I can pray for someone to recover from a terminal illness or injury and God will make that happen. God has a plan for EVERYTHING, and He already knows how all this stuff is going to turn out. He isn't going to change the plan because I ask Him to. Not because He doesn't love me or care how I feel, but because His plan is greater than just my life or my feelings. Plus, God already KNOWS I don't want my friend or family member to suffer or die.

Think about it: anyone out there could be praying for the exact opposite thing that I am praying for. Am I supposed to believe that if I pray harder or have a bigger prayer circle that God will answer my prayer and not answer the prayer of the other person? Because I don't think it works like that. I think God sets things in motion according to His plan, and that's that. We have free will and might make a choice that causes a hiccup in the plan, but if God wants it a different way, it will end up that way. If my family member is dying and I pray for that person to live and he lives, it isn't because I prayed. It is because that is what God intended to happen in the first place.

Before you argue, think about the opposite. Would you say that if my family member dies, I just didn't pray hard enough? Of course not. You would say it was God's will. Well, guess what? I believe it is also God's will for the person to live...not a function of prayer. I might have OCD but it isn't bad enough for me to blame myself for someone's death because I didn't pray hard enough. And if my faith in God hinges on whether He lets someone live when I pray for it, my faith is awfully superficial and short-sighted.

So am I saying that God doesn't listen to prayer? NOT AT ALL. I think God hears ALL our prayers, and I think God answers real prayer. The kind in which a person prays for guidance, wisdom, strength, comfort, understanding, forgiveness, or enlightenment, either for him/herself or others. He answers all prayers that help me become a better person and a better steward of the world. I pray so often for these things, and I get them. If I didn't, I wouldn't be breathing today. I wouldn't be able to fight depression. I wouldn't be able to handle all the challenges of my life. I would collapse under the weight of all the stuff on my shoulders.

But I'm still here.

BFFs and Love Vol 2

The bestie from Volume 1 introduced me to this quote. Funny...I'm the Fitzgerald fan, but I had never seen this quote before. Dang. So true.

So I wanted to use this time to talk about the childhood bestie. There is something so magical about those childhood friends. Those friends who come into your life during the awkwardness of adolescence. They don't always stay (sometimes they are just there for a season), but the ones who do hold a treasured place in the heart.

I mean, who could forget this?

Ok, so I wasn't 12, but you get the picture. (We also didn't find a dead body, so....)

She came into my life at a very difficult time. High school wasn't a picnic for me, and I was about three years away from being dumped by my current bestie (since I was 12). I was a constant ball of nerves: too worried about what other people thought, too driven, too worried about grades and my future, too type A for my own good.

And there she was. And she scared me to death.

She was too free spirited, too type B, too able to do or be whatever she wanted with seemingly no concern whatsoever for what others thought. Could I even afford to be friends with someone like that? I mean, I could not possibly even hold my own in that relationship.

But somehow it happened. Somehow she became a fixture at my house, essentially living there. My parents considered her part of the family. She made Christmas cookies in my mom's kitchen. She went to all of our holiday events. She came to the house and ate dinner with my family and sat in my room while I was an exchange student. I don't have many teen/young adult memories that don't center around her. 

We have been part of all the crazy milestones in each other's lives. She was maid of honor in my wedding and I was matron of honor in hers. We have laughed and cried. I have run up astronomical phone bills calling from Germany. She's come to funerals and wakes and showers and we have even buried friends together. I offered to be a surrogate for her when she was having fertility issues. It has always been this:

She is the fiercest, bravest, most kick ass Xena Warrior Princess meets Diana Bishop meets better-than-Claire meets Tonks/Luna Lovegood/Professor McGonagall/Hermione all rolled into one beautiful woman. She's an awesome teacher, mom, and wife, and all of that makes her great. But above all, she makes me feel young and carefree and LOVED. 

And I love her back like CRAZY. 

There's never a question of whether she'll listen, or show up, or call, or have my back. Even when I am being really stupid. (Not that she won't tell me that I'm being stupid, but that comes after..... :) ) She checks in, she tells me about her classroom, she senses when I really need someone. 

We have grown more and more alike with the passing years. Our temperaments are more alike, our interests and likes are so similar....our jobs are even similar. I won't lie...we have differences too. I don't necessarily share her fascination with Dave Matthews and never loved Bel Biv Devoe. But she doesn't share my ABSOLUTE love of horror movies or sushi or Audioslave.

We have had rough patches. We have had times during which we weren't speaking. We have had times that life has made us distant, when we have been so caught up in our own things that we missed some stuff. We are human. But there has never been a time that I didn't know that I could pick up that phone and all of that would disappear. And she knows that too. 

We have a friendship like the ones you read about in books. We are like Jess and Leslie from Bridge to Terabithia, Frodo and Sam, Dill and Scout, Calvin and Hobbes, Tom and Huck, Rat and Mole, Watson and Holmes, Padfoot and Prongs, Aibileen and Minny, Ren and Stimpy, Cagney and Lacey, all of them.

But most of all and most telling of who we are as people, we are Ouiser and Clairee. She's evil and must be destroyed, and she loves me more than her luggage. :)

BFFs and Love

I see these inspirational things all over Facebook. Wonderful, right? I guess some people might think this is the point of love. I don't though; I disagree with even the basic premise. I don't love like that. 

I have a couple of best friends, but I'm going to tell you about one of them today. She's my "adult" bestie. She's like all the rest of us; she has a face for the public and then the one that is more private. The public face is fantastic---everyone loves her. She is the first one to volunteer for everything. She has the most patient, elementary teacher kind voice. She loves animals and children. She makes everyone around her feel important. She always looks perfect--perfect clothes, hair, everything.  She is a beautiful, lively, happy woman of God. Seriously, everyone loves her. How could they not? She has scads of friends and everyone wants to spend time with her. 

 My friend is all those things; it isn't a mask. But she is so much more than that. 

The public face is OK I guess, but she isn't the one I love. 

I can't tell you why I love her because I don't feel qualified to discuss the whys and wherefores of love, but I can tell you some of the things I love about her. She won't like it; she might not even believe it. She might say that some of these things are qualities she hates. But here it is:

The one I love cackles when she laughs at something truly funny. I love that sound so much. I suspect from things she has said in the past that she sees the cackle as somehow unattractive; I couldn't disagree more. It's a beautiful sound. She also makes funny noises when she sees cute animals. She comes up with all sorts of nicknames for her pets. 

The one I love has a bad temper and can be a little passive-aggressive when she's angry. (It sometimes takes me by surprise, but I cherish it; it is real. I have a really bad temper too, and the fact that she has a temper makes me feel very validated.) Her temper doesn't scare me off; it just lets me know she really FEELS. ...plus, I'm not convinced it is really as bad as all that. She hasn't stabbed anyone yet, so I mean....

The one I love likes wine and sometimes swears. I adore that. And hearing her use profanity so flies in the face of who she LOOKS like she is that it almost makes me laugh....I just adore it. I like swearing friends...so sue me. They make me feel like I can be myself; I trust people who swear. She really tries not to, but I know she at least thinks it, and that's enough for me. 

The one I love has a dark sense of humor; she jokes about making people disappear and running off to tropical islands without batting an eye. She makes me laugh at all the wrong times. We talk and text about stuff that would make anyone else contact Homeland Security. Nobody makes me laugh quite like she does...it sometimes makes me make that donkey sound or no sound comes out at all. Sometimes my side hurts from laughing. 

She gives me a sense of peace when I am with her that I don't really have many other times. 

The one I love sometimes is a little time-challenged. Her life can be really messy; her family is complicated. She forgets to call me back. She worries too much. She's easily distracted.

And I LOVE her for all of it. 

I don't love her DESPITE these things. I love her BECAUSE of these things. 

I'm not sure I even agree with the picture above....I don't see them as mistakes and weaknesses.  They aren't flaws in her character. They ARE her character. Those things make her three-dimensional.  There is no "still" in my thoughts; she just IS amazing. Her public face is wonderful and kind and beautiful....but kinda flat to me. I don't find the real her somehow flawed; I find her glorious.

I WANT her to be real. I want her to call/text me and unload all her baggage. Of course, I want to hear all her happy things, but I really want to hear all of her not-so-happy things. I want to both celebrate and cry with her, but the truth is that ANYONE could celebrate with her. I want to be with her even when she might consider herself "unfit for human consumption". I want her to know that I am always there, and there will never come a time that she isn't my family. There is nothing too awful, nothing that will make me turn away. I would hold back her hair while she vomited; I would sit with her even if she were contagious.

All I really know is that MY version of her is perfect just the way she is---perfectly imperfect in every way; she doesn't have to change or pretend.  All I know is that I love her. She is fearfully and wonderfully made; I love every single inch of her every single day. She is just so beautiful to me.....beautiful hair, eyes, nose...she even has beautiful fingers. Yeah, I said fingers. Every day I think that I love her as much as is humanly possible and then a new day comes and I love her more.

So she might be the only person who ever really sees this. And that's fine. She's the only one who really needs to hear it. Or maybe I just needed to say it.

And for those people who only get to see the public face, it is their loss. But I'm not sorry. I'm glad I get to see a part of her that most others don't.