Yeah, I know. Depression talk again?!?
But here's the thing. Yesterday was the third anniversary of Robin Williams's death, and with the recent suicides of both Chris Cornell and Chester Bennington, I have started hearing people ask those questions again.
How could someone so loved and successful do that?
How could he not be happy? He has everything!!
And my personal favorite: Why didn't he reach out to his family and friends?
I understand why people ask that. I really do. But as a person who suffers from fairly profound depression, I can explain it---at least from my perspective.
There are three main reasons.
1. We do not want you to talk about what we need clinically.
We already know that. We don't want you to ask us if we are seeing a counselor, if we are taking medication, if we have tried essential oils, if we meditate. WE WANT YOU TO LISTEN AND BE THERE. We KNOW what we should be doing clinically but a counselor doesn't really know us and certainly doesn't love us. Medication doesn't tell us it loves us. Essential oils can't hug us. WE WANT YOU. But you wouldn't believe how often we hear, "Maybe you should talk to someone." YEAH REALLY?!? I'm talking TO YOU!!! We don't expect you to be a counselor; we expect you to be an ear and a soft place to land when things are not going well.
2. We have a really really deep fear of rejection.
If we reach out and no one will make time for us, it only makes things worse. It is a vicious cycle. If we pretend to be OK and if we are being strong and trying to tough it out alone, then no one knows we are struggling....but if we ask and no one helps, it is devastating. People rarely expect you to drop everything right that minute, but make time. And if you say you are going to call, CALL. Check in with us out of the blue without a reason. Make us feel that we are important and that you think of us even when we aren't having a hard time.
We worry that we will appear clingy and needy and like something is always wrong and that over time that will become so unattractive that you will walk away from us. And the truth is, we AREN'T always sad. But people do not notice when people aren't sad. People don't notice when we are killing it at life. But the minute we cave in and need support, we worry that people are thinking, "Oh God, here we go again." We worry our spouses will leave and that even our best friends will get exhausted and disappear. And it HAPPENS. So it isn't an irrational fear. We worry that you will stop asking us to do things if you think we are going to go all Eeyore on the event. We don't want to be alone.
So, what can people do to get depressed people to reach out? CONVINCE US. Convince us that we matter. Call us. Bother us. Force us outside ourselves. Don't get exasperated.
Here's a great link:
20 things to remember if you love someone with depression
