Why You aren't OCD

I haven't posted anything to this blog in a LONG time; things have been crazy and unpleasant and I just haven't had the time or energy to think about writing anything but my dissertation. But it is Christmas break right now, and I NEED to write this.

You know I talk about mental health issues a lot....mostly because other people do not and that leaves so many people out there thinking they are the only ones struggling. And I REALLY want to take the stigma away from talking about mental health. Why should I have to be embarrassed? I wouldn't be embarrassed to tell you if I had diabetes or MS or high blood pressure.

So I'm going to talk a little bit about OCD. People think they know what OCD is, but usually they really don't. First off, OCD isn't something you ARE, it is something you HAVE. If your first thought when you read OCD was about handwashing or light switches, then you truly have NO IDEA. THIS is what OCD is about.

OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) is an anxiety disorder that is a cycle. When the person with OCD feels anxious and life seems out-of-control, he or she begins having obsessive thoughts. The obsessive thoughts go on and on and on like a GIF on loop, and generally these thoughts are composed of the most awful things a person can conceive of. About themselves, other people, the universe. The thoughts typically will not stop until the person does something that interrupts the thoughts...that is where the light switch or cleaning or handwashing thing sometimes comes in. Some people have compulsive actions like that. I have a friend who thinks she can fix the things that are wrong in her life if she buys the right conditioner or foundation; she knows how crazy that is but she can't just logic her way out of it. Others of us are compelled to do something like call or text people that are part of our obsessive thoughts or to go overboard doing things to keep ourselves constantly busy until we are too exhausted to think anymore.

For me, acts of service are my love language. So when something happens and I am extremely anxious about someone and I have obsessive thoughts about that person or situation, I am compelled to do some kind of act of service for that person and that dispels my obsessive thoughts for a while and comforts me. And helps that person too. Sometimes I have obsessive thoughts when nothing is happening and those thoughts can be about something that happened yesterday or ten years ago.

I totally obsess about being abandoned, whether the people who say they love me really do (especially if their actions and words don't match), whether people really want me around, whether I'm too weird for other people. I replay conversations, interactions, exchanges and beat myself up for not saying the right thing or handling it better. I also come up with a thousand scenarios that DIDN'T happen and will NEVER happen (good and bad).

So I expend a lot of time and energy talking myself off ledges and trying to just enjoy life. When I suppress the urge to act on my love language, the thoughts sometimes really become deafening. This is why I will take on projects that I really don't have time to do or why I took up painting or why I run and it is also why I always need the TV on. It's why I sing.

I don't want people to pity me or to think I am fragile or weak. I am neither fragile nor weak. If I were, I wouldn't be alive. I'm actually extremely tough and remarkably resilient. Although I am very emotional, I am GREAT in a crisis or emergency and am GREAT under pressure...because I am always under pressure. LOL. I am a mostly happy person, even with depression. I'm an incredibly devoted friend. I'm intensely loyal. I am used to the thoughts and wouldn't even know what it is like to not have them, but I am interested in people understanding how OCD works. Because it isn't about the compulsions, a person can't just STOP doing whatever it is and be cured. It's all about the anxiety. And it is hard to talk to people about what makes you anxious, especially if you know it is going to sound far-fetched or if it is about something that person has done or said. The thoughts lie and they take little pieces of the truth and spin it into something that may not even be real. It's embarrassing to have to ask people to reassure you about things you should never doubt. It's embarrassing to feel threatened about situations that may not even exist. 

So there it is. OCD. And mine is really not severe at all; mine is completely manageable. Imagine what it is like for others. And, yes, I wrote this so I wouldn't have to obsess about it anymore :)