You know how when things are all going well and you are happy, it is a great time for those little intrusive thoughts to come in and start haunting you? No? Really?
You know that Abilify commercial where the woman is being followed around by the dark cloud? I feel like that but mine isn't a dark cloud of depression. It is weird little squiggles that represent thoughts....stupid thoughts...thoughts about stuff from 10 years ago...stuff from high school....stuff from when we lived in Virginia....it is like PTSD. I relive situations over and over, and I even live out scenarios of things that haven't happened yet and conversations I haven't had.
This is how my head feels any time I am alone:
This is why I HATE to be alone. I don't do this too much when people are with me. If I am having REAL conversations, the imaginary ones are unnecessary. My mind just HAS to fill up any quiet time. This is why I have ALWAYS listened to music or had the TV on when I am home alone or am trying to study.
If you do not have intrusive thoughts, I cannot imagine what you do with your spare time. LOL I have never known a time without them. I would call them my oldest friends, but I HATE THEIR GUTS WITH A FIERY PASSION. They remind me of all the things from the past that have EVER hurt me...they make me feel like a puppet. No wonder I HATE puppets!
And today, the thoughts are all about jealousy. Those are the thoughts I will be fighting off today.
It's stupid and a waste of time and I don't want to have those thoughts anymore but I don't know how to make them stop. This is what I am going to tell myself today:
It's a big word....really big. Our society thinks it means lots of different things.
It DOESN'T.
I don't love chocolate. I don't love Dr. Who. I don't love the color green.
We hear the word so much that it has kinda lost all meaning at times. People who barely know each other throw it around. We have been brainwashed into thinking love is a feeling and we fall in and out of it.....because our hearts are just that fickle.
Love is NOT a feeling. It is an action, a choice. It is work and sacrifice. And love is the same whether I am talking about Rick or Leigh or Erin or Christa or Mom or Dolly Anne or JoAnn or Sarah or Nick....the actions required are the exact same. Sure, we may demonstrate it differently....for instance, Rick is the only one I have sex with....but the actions required to maintain love are the same. Because the truth is that while sex is a really important part of intimacy, I would not love Rick any less if we could never have sex again. My love for him wasn't built on anything physical and wouldn't be destroyed by the lack thereof. I would miss it but it wouldn't change a thing.
We have been fed a steady diet of butterflies in our stomach, Prince Charming, sweep us off our feet, always feeling that smitten feeling.....and that is a total load of crap. All that stupid stuff sets each generation up for disappointment and divorce.
Real love is none of that...that is FALLING in love. Remaining in love requires hard hard work. It also isn't 50/50. Over time I guess it might average out to 50/50, but on any given day, you might find that it is 70/30 or 40/60 depending on what each person has to give that day. But the truth is that each person's heart has to be in it 100% every day. Some days you might even wake up not liking that face next to you...or you might be ticked off at something your BFF said, and those are the days that require the CHOICE to stay in it.
We are each gross, selfish, narcissistic lumps of flesh. We each want what we want. And it takes tremendous dedication to overcome that.....to decide that another person is worth it.
If your significant other...spouse, BFF, whatever....has never disappointed you, let you down, pissed you off or broken your heart, I'm here to tell you that your love hasn't been proven. It is what you do in these moments that defines what your relationship really means.
If you are not willing to hold back that person's hair while he/she vomits (even if you KNOW it is going to make you gag too), to drop EVERYTHING when that person really needs something, to sacrifice something you want for his/her happiness, to go and do things you really don't like because that other person loves it, or to meet that person in an undisclosed location in Louisiana with some shovels, lye, and a tarp without asking questions (that one is for you, Leigh), I would tell you that you might not love that person as much as you think.
I'm going to include two clips from Dr. Who that really sum up love....the choice to love despite all reason, the choice to love even when it is ultimate sacrifice---when love is doomed---when they know they can never truly be together. Because THAT'S what love's about, my friends.
I spend the bulk of my days surrounded by awesome little people. Seriously folks.
It is funny to me when people tell me that they couldn't do what I do or that I have a heart of gold or whatever. It's HILARIOUS actually.
I'm SOOOOOOOO flawed. I'm terribly needy, terribly jealous, deeply afraid of being abandoned by the people who say they love me. I'm impatient, a worrier, testy, and I HATE repeating myself. I mentally correct people's grammar, get ticked off when people are late, and constantly feel like I'm not getting back as much love as I put out. I worry that the people I love the most are replacing me with other people if I am not there. In short, I'm a pretty awful human. But guess what?
My little pals don't care. My little pals never hold a grudge. They don't care if I'm having a bad hair day or my clothes look like crap. They don't care if I don't have a PhD. They just want me THERE. They don't need a perfect teacher with perfect lesson plans who has it all together; they need a teacher who cares more about communicating than teaching.....who cares more about why than what. What they want more than anything else is what we ALL want...they strive for connection. But the wires are all loose.
There is a prevailing myth that people with autism don't express emotion...that you get very little back from them. For the most part that is CRAP. My little buddies give me so much back everyday. It is a matter of knowing how to listen. And what I get back is very pure. I NEVER overthink or second-guess whether they are happy, whether they love me, whether they are feeling angry or sad. No ulterior motives. No agendas. A moment of connection, a smile, a hug, a happy little song is worth its weight in gold. More often than not, I bask in a little warm pool of pure love from them...with the occasional slap or scratch (or scream right in my face) just to keep me grounded! :)
Maybe it seems second nature to me because I love puzzles and autism is like a puzzle...one where I have no picture to use as a guide....or maybe one with no edge pieces to help. I wish I could convinvce the world that people with autism just ROCK. Yeah yeah yeah. They can be frustrating, unyielding, obsessive, too loud, hyperfocused.....but that really also describes most people I know at one time or another. It CERTAINLY describes me.
This week, one of my students has started asking for me while he is at home. That is a BIG FREAKING DEAL. You don't understand. That's like a Grammy, an Emmy, an Oscar, and a Pulitzer Prize all mixed up together....except in the long run it means so much more to me that any of those things. It means I'm IN HIS WORLD. Even when we are not at school. He thinks about me...in a good way. I LOVE him.
