Friendship and Surprises

I know I was supposed to tell you guys about NC parking lots next, but something else came up. It was a spur-of-the-moment trip to surprise a friend. I don't know what is with me lately...I am stepping out of my comfort zone waaaayyy too much. I don't drive for 5 hours in the rain to surprise someone I haven't seen since 2007 and haven't talked to since 2008. It is all the little voice's fault.....

Do you guys have  a "little voice"? The one that puts weird, seemingly random ideas into your heads? Please tell me it isn't just me. I'm not schizophrenic or anything; it is really more like an intrusive thought. Something that usually seems silly or impractical at first blush, and I push it right out of my mind. But it doesn't go away. It niggles at me. Like it is saying, "Yoo hoo. Remember me? The idea from five minutes ago? IIII'mmmm bbbaaaccccckkkk!" 

This time it was a trip to Charlottesville. I didn't really have a good reason to go. I only have two friends there...that and a LOT of bad memories that I have tried to put behind me. These two friends essentially saved my life, or at the very least picked me up, brushed me off, and put the pieces back together to make me stronger. But the friend on my mind hadn't spoken to me in almost six years....we were close, really close. And I love her, but I figured that I somehow had managed to ruin it....I wish I knew what I had done. 

But I went. And the trip could've been a disaster. She could've slammed the door in my face. But she didn't.

She took one look at me and cried and cried. She told me that she stopped taking my calls because it was too painful...she missed me too much. She's been through a lot. I'm so glad I never gave up on us. I'm glad I never really stopped pursuing. I hope that because I was willing to make the effort that she will find a happiness and peace in that. I hope she becomes able to communicate again. Regardless, I won't stop caring.

Love is tough. It isn't only an emotion; that is simply a bills of goods they sell us as children while we listen to fairy tales. The feeling part fades, and what is left is a choice. We have to decide if that other person brings enough to our lives that we are willing to overlook or embrace the foibles, weird quirks, petty arguments, and separations. It is hard work. When I choose to let someone into my life, I love REALLY REALLY hard. I form a deep attachment and loyalty. I am willing to drop everything to come be by the side of a loved one who needs me. I listen. I make TIME. I'm devoted. And that level of commitment has opened me up to hurt...that's why I don't let many people in. I've chosen poorly from time to time. I'm also not easy to love. I'm needy and sometimes whiny. I'm fragile. I need to hear people tell me that they love me...over and over and over ad nauseum. 

But I hope my friends and loved ones will stick with me...and keep telling me, like I keep telling them. I hope they will always be right there beside me.

Because I won't stop loving. Ever. Bank on it.