The Green-Eyed Monster

Don't you just LOVE it when you discover something about yourself, and you wish you hadn't? I always want self-discovery to be like something out of Walden, a journey of awakening to my potential. Because like Stuart Smalley always said, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggonit, people like me!"

Whatever.

Today is completely not like that at all. Today is the day I admit something that I have refused to admit, actively denied actually, for a looonnnggg time. And I'm going to admit it to you guys so that I can't ever pretend it isn't true again.

I struggle with jealousy.

Not the, "Oh my God. You are five seconds late getting home from work. You MUST be having an affair" kind of jealousy. Not even the, "Who was that woman you were talking to? How do you know her? Was she flirting with you?" kind. Mine is significantly more embarrassing to me than those would be. I'm jealous of the time that the significant people in my life spend with their other friends.

Weird part is, it isn't EVERY friend or ALL the time. It hits me at the strangest times and in kind of unpredictable ways. I've always thought of myself as a very unjealous type. I trust my closest friends with my very life. I don't stop trusting unless given a real reason. But I've been called on it before by someone who CLEARLY knows me better than I know myself. You know Erin? She called me on it once, back in...oh...the summer of 1990 or so.

One of her friends from college was spending the summer doing an internship in Nashville. Cool fun guy. Should've been delightfully fun for Christa, Erin, and me. Problem was, I was in this community production of Kiss Me, Kate and was spending most every evening at rehearsals. So Christa and Erin were spending lots of time with him and I felt left out. Let's just say that I acted sorta weird, didn't know I was being weird, and I caused some problems. But I would've gone to my grave denying that I was feeling jealous. There was no reason to be jealous, right? No one was going to unseat me from my place in the friendship spectrum, right? RIGHT?!? I'm not jealous...not this girl. Nuh uh. No Way.

So fast forward to the modern era. I am really one of those people who can only really handle being friends with a tiny handful of people. And if I am being truly honest, I have this one friend who (apart from my husband and Erin) I would spend ALL my free time with if I had that choice. That is just the person I am. Frankly, I have even canceled plans with other friends once or twice when I found out she was free. I know that's not nice but I'm being honest.  I sit by the phone if I think she is going to call. I would rather be with her than anyone else. She, though, has lots of friends and likes to spread the wealth; she's so NORMAL dammit.  Friendship is so much more carefree for her. She is happy for me when I manage to make new friends and actually DO things with them.

But I have sometimes gotten jealous. For example, I REALLY REALLY wanted to spend her birthday with her last year. I haven't EVER spent her birthday with her. Did she know that I wanted that? Probably not. What's your point? That maybe I would get what I want if I would ask? Where is the challenge in that? LOL. So when I saw pictures of her celebrating her birthday with another couple, I was sad. I felt very threatened by that particular woman in that particular couple; she sounds so awesome and like a perfect friend. She's really nice, and I think I would really like her. But they do stuff together that I don't ever get to do, and they look like they are having such a good time...and I can't be a part of that. What does she have that I don't? Is that fair of me? Absolutely not. Can I help that it makes me feel that way? Not really, but I CAN help how I deal with those irrational feelings.

I'm sure my friend would want to punch me in the face for ever being jealous of her though. And I would deserve that.  I'm sure my friend would be saddened and angry that I have worried that someone was going to swoop in, take my place, and make her forget all about me. And she would probably say something like, "How shallow would that make me if I forgot about you when you weren't RIGHT here." And she isn't shallow. She's wonderful.

So I've been working on it really hard for quite some time now. Because the truth is that I WANT her to have all those friends and to do lots of stuff with them. It would suck if she only had me and I'm not there anymore. And while it would be extremely flattering to be the center of someone's universe, that would also become very old very fast. This isn't a "her" problem; it is a ME problem. It is all about insecurity and lack of self-worth. I'm doing much better with that. I bet my friend would even tell you that our friendship has gotten easier. I'm not holding onto her with a death grip because of my fear of being abandoned. THAT isn't her fault. The fact that my brain used to tell me that I'm not a good enough person to have a friend like her isn't her doing. She has done nothing but love me....and sometimes that isn't an easy task. She keeps doing it, though, for over a decade now. And I refuse to let the past damage to my psyche drive a wedge into a friendship that is absolutely VITAL to my happiness. You remember that little voice I talked about the other day? I refuse to listen to that voice when it tries to tell me that I can't possibly be important to anyone, least of all HER. That voice is a bitch frankly--a mean, frightened, destructive bitch. :)

So if you too struggle with jealousy, this is my message to you. If you love and trust someone, you have to let go of jealousy. You can't say that you trust that person with your life and then say you are worried that he/she will abandon you. That's completely counterintuitive. No amount of holding on to someone else is going to alleviate the insecurities in your head. No one can do that for you; you have to work out those problems yourself. Your loved one can help you by supporting your efforts and reassuring you when you need it, but only if you are honest about the way you feel. And that is really hard to admit. It is an ugly flaw. I wish I had been able to tell my friend sooner. I wasted a lot of time spinning my wheels when I could've been laughing with her about the stupidest things. Fortunately, there are lots of years ahead. :)

I hope I don't "weird" her out by posting this. I just really appreciate the fact that she has helped me realize this about myself, and she is really helping me deal with it. I have learned so many things from her since we became friends. It is very much like the song "For Good" from the musical Wicked:

So much of me
Is made from what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...