The Perfect Mom

I am not a perfect parent. Whew. What a relief to admit that. I'm not even a particularly fantastic person. I do the best I can, but I fail every day. And you know what? That's OK.

I think one of the most difficult hurdles of parenting is overcoming the belief that we need to be the perfect, parenting magazine spread, I-can-do-it-all moms. I'm not going to blame it on Pinterest or anything; I'm not going to blame it on anything but our human insecurities and innate competitiveness.

I have a secret to tell each of you--none of us does it right. We all have secret foibles, idiosyncrasies, and blindspots. You know that mom down the street who only feeds her kids organic, homecooked meals and packs them paleo lunches every day, has the perfect body from teaching fitness classes, and endlessly volunteers at the school? She's lying awake at night worried about how to keep up appearances....that everyone in the neighborhood has expectations. She can't go to a potluck and take just ANY dish; she has to have the BEST dish. She might even drink too much or she might be a minor-league hoarder. Everyone has something. We just don't see it.

And we all try to keep our weak spots a secret, as if our friends would drop us immediately if they found out we aren't perfect. Truth is, they might be RELIEVED. We spend so much time worrying about what people think of us instead of trying to really CONNECT with other people. It is such a waste of our precious time here on the planet.

I used to go to a playgroup when my son was a toddler. We took turns hosting it every week. I had one friend who kept a running list of what food she served so that she never served the same thing twice...even if we loved it. She also kept a list of what outfits she and her daughter wore so that they never wore the same outfit twice. And guess what? NONE OF US NOTICED OR CARED. NOT ONE BIT.

I have another friend who acts as though her child will have some sort of existential crisis if BOTH parents aren't present at every single event. So she misses out sometimes on things that are rare and so much fun because she might miss one tennis match or swim meet or something. And the truth is, I don't think her kid would care that much; I actually think she kinda smothers her kid a little and he's too old for that now. I make every effort to get to all the functions  my kids have, but I have never fostered the expectation that both parents will be there. It just isn't always possible (there are deployments and TDYs and such), and frankly there are times when I have something that I want to do for me. And I have a right to do that. When we became mothers, we didn't agree to give up our whole lives...actually it is a terrible idea. That is the way you lose who you are as your own person.

I think we need to reassess what really matters. It doesn't really matter whether you bring fancy homemade cupcakes to school for your kid's birthday or if you bought them from Walmart---what matters is that you cared enough to make the  birthday special. Your kid doesn't have to have the most lavish, expensive party either. It isn't about what you GIVE you child; it is about how you makes him/her FEEL. You don't have to look perfect every minute. And you CANNOT have it all. You are never going to have a booming career AND a Martha Stewart (plus spotlessly clean) house, the perfect (and perfectly groomed) kids, the picket fence and the dog without experiencing some hiccups and glitches. The baby IS going to spit up on your perfect blouse. The souffle is going to fall. Sometimes dinner is going to be Papa John's or come from a box. Sometimes you are going to have to give a gift that is neither thoughtful or made with love.

And NONE of that makes you less of a mom or less of a person. Not that I have any authority, but I give you permission to occasionally just be content with the mediocre. Even Beyonce wear sweatpants sometimes.