The Day I Talked About Prayer (Or Why No One Asks Me to Speak in Church :)

Most of us have been told at some point in our lives that it isn't polite to discuss religion and politics in mixed company. Good advice. This isn't mixed company, though, and I am giving you fair warning that you might not like what I'm about to say. Promise me, though, that if you are going to read any further, that you will read the WHOLE thing. You don't have to like it and you don't have to agree but try to see the point I am trying to make.

I believe in God. I really do. As a matter of fact, I think I have more faith than the average person. I also believe I have a much more mature faith than many people because I really think about it. I have never been one to just blindly believe or agree just because some other human tells me to. I don't care if that person is a nun, a priest, my mom....I have to explore things for myself.

So here's the thing. I told my BFF that I don't believe in prayer, but I don't think I made myself very clear. It isn't that I don't believe in prayer, but I don't believe in prayer the way most people do it. I do not think that I can pray for someone to recover from a terminal illness or injury and God will make that happen. God has a plan for EVERYTHING, and He already knows how all this stuff is going to turn out. He isn't going to change the plan because I ask Him to. Not because He doesn't love me or care how I feel, but because His plan is greater than just my life or my feelings. Plus, God already KNOWS I don't want my friend or family member to suffer or die.

Think about it: anyone out there could be praying for the exact opposite thing that I am praying for. Am I supposed to believe that if I pray harder or have a bigger prayer circle that God will answer my prayer and not answer the prayer of the other person? Because I don't think it works like that. I think God sets things in motion according to His plan, and that's that. We have free will and might make a choice that causes a hiccup in the plan, but if God wants it a different way, it will end up that way. If my family member is dying and I pray for that person to live and he lives, it isn't because I prayed. It is because that is what God intended to happen in the first place.

Before you argue, think about the opposite. Would you say that if my family member dies, I just didn't pray hard enough? Of course not. You would say it was God's will. Well, guess what? I believe it is also God's will for the person to live...not a function of prayer. I might have OCD but it isn't bad enough for me to blame myself for someone's death because I didn't pray hard enough. And if my faith in God hinges on whether He lets someone live when I pray for it, my faith is awfully superficial and short-sighted.

So am I saying that God doesn't listen to prayer? NOT AT ALL. I think God hears ALL our prayers, and I think God answers real prayer. The kind in which a person prays for guidance, wisdom, strength, comfort, understanding, forgiveness, or enlightenment, either for him/herself or others. He answers all prayers that help me become a better person and a better steward of the world. I pray so often for these things, and I get them. If I didn't, I wouldn't be breathing today. I wouldn't be able to fight depression. I wouldn't be able to handle all the challenges of my life. I would collapse under the weight of all the stuff on my shoulders.

But I'm still here.

BFFs and Love Vol 2

The bestie from Volume 1 introduced me to this quote. Funny...I'm the Fitzgerald fan, but I had never seen this quote before. Dang. So true.

So I wanted to use this time to talk about the childhood bestie. There is something so magical about those childhood friends. Those friends who come into your life during the awkwardness of adolescence. They don't always stay (sometimes they are just there for a season), but the ones who do hold a treasured place in the heart.

I mean, who could forget this?

Ok, so I wasn't 12, but you get the picture. (We also didn't find a dead body, so....)

She came into my life at a very difficult time. High school wasn't a picnic for me, and I was about three years away from being dumped by my current bestie (since I was 12). I was a constant ball of nerves: too worried about what other people thought, too driven, too worried about grades and my future, too type A for my own good.

And there she was. And she scared me to death.

She was too free spirited, too type B, too able to do or be whatever she wanted with seemingly no concern whatsoever for what others thought. Could I even afford to be friends with someone like that? I mean, I could not possibly even hold my own in that relationship.

But somehow it happened. Somehow she became a fixture at my house, essentially living there. My parents considered her part of the family. She made Christmas cookies in my mom's kitchen. She went to all of our holiday events. She came to the house and ate dinner with my family and sat in my room while I was an exchange student. I don't have many teen/young adult memories that don't center around her. 

We have been part of all the crazy milestones in each other's lives. She was maid of honor in my wedding and I was matron of honor in hers. We have laughed and cried. I have run up astronomical phone bills calling from Germany. She's come to funerals and wakes and showers and we have even buried friends together. I offered to be a surrogate for her when she was having fertility issues. It has always been this:

She is the fiercest, bravest, most kick ass Xena Warrior Princess meets Diana Bishop meets better-than-Claire meets Tonks/Luna Lovegood/Professor McGonagall/Hermione all rolled into one beautiful woman. She's an awesome teacher, mom, and wife, and all of that makes her great. But above all, she makes me feel young and carefree and LOVED. 

And I love her back like CRAZY. 

There's never a question of whether she'll listen, or show up, or call, or have my back. Even when I am being really stupid. (Not that she won't tell me that I'm being stupid, but that comes after..... :) ) She checks in, she tells me about her classroom, she senses when I really need someone. 

We have grown more and more alike with the passing years. Our temperaments are more alike, our interests and likes are so similar....our jobs are even similar. I won't lie...we have differences too. I don't necessarily share her fascination with Dave Matthews and never loved Bel Biv Devoe. But she doesn't share my ABSOLUTE love of horror movies or sushi or Audioslave.

We have had rough patches. We have had times during which we weren't speaking. We have had times that life has made us distant, when we have been so caught up in our own things that we missed some stuff. We are human. But there has never been a time that I didn't know that I could pick up that phone and all of that would disappear. And she knows that too. 

We have a friendship like the ones you read about in books. We are like Jess and Leslie from Bridge to Terabithia, Frodo and Sam, Dill and Scout, Calvin and Hobbes, Tom and Huck, Rat and Mole, Watson and Holmes, Padfoot and Prongs, Aibileen and Minny, Ren and Stimpy, Cagney and Lacey, all of them.

But most of all and most telling of who we are as people, we are Ouiser and Clairee. She's evil and must be destroyed, and she loves me more than her luggage. :)

BFFs and Love

I see these inspirational things all over Facebook. Wonderful, right? I guess some people might think this is the point of love. I don't though; I disagree with even the basic premise. I don't love like that. 

I have a couple of best friends, but I'm going to tell you about one of them today. She's my "adult" bestie. She's like all the rest of us; she has a face for the public and then the one that is more private. The public face is fantastic---everyone loves her. She is the first one to volunteer for everything. She has the most patient, elementary teacher kind voice. She loves animals and children. She makes everyone around her feel important. She always looks perfect--perfect clothes, hair, everything.  She is a beautiful, lively, happy woman of God. Seriously, everyone loves her. How could they not? She has scads of friends and everyone wants to spend time with her. 

 My friend is all those things; it isn't a mask. But she is so much more than that. 

The public face is OK I guess, but she isn't the one I love. 

I can't tell you why I love her because I don't feel qualified to discuss the whys and wherefores of love, but I can tell you some of the things I love about her. She won't like it; she might not even believe it. She might say that some of these things are qualities she hates. But here it is:

The one I love cackles when she laughs at something truly funny. I love that sound so much. I suspect from things she has said in the past that she sees the cackle as somehow unattractive; I couldn't disagree more. It's a beautiful sound. She also makes funny noises when she sees cute animals. She comes up with all sorts of nicknames for her pets. 

The one I love has a bad temper and can be a little passive-aggressive when she's angry. (It sometimes takes me by surprise, but I cherish it; it is real. I have a really bad temper too, and the fact that she has a temper makes me feel very validated.) Her temper doesn't scare me off; it just lets me know she really FEELS. ...plus, I'm not convinced it is really as bad as all that. She hasn't stabbed anyone yet, so I mean....

The one I love likes wine and sometimes swears. I adore that. And hearing her use profanity so flies in the face of who she LOOKS like she is that it almost makes me laugh....I just adore it. I like swearing friends...so sue me. They make me feel like I can be myself; I trust people who swear. She really tries not to, but I know she at least thinks it, and that's enough for me. 

The one I love has a dark sense of humor; she jokes about making people disappear and running off to tropical islands without batting an eye. She makes me laugh at all the wrong times. We talk and text about stuff that would make anyone else contact Homeland Security. Nobody makes me laugh quite like she does...it sometimes makes me make that donkey sound or no sound comes out at all. Sometimes my side hurts from laughing. 

She gives me a sense of peace when I am with her that I don't really have many other times. 

The one I love sometimes is a little time-challenged. Her life can be really messy; her family is complicated. She forgets to call me back. She worries too much. She's easily distracted.

And I LOVE her for all of it. 

I don't love her DESPITE these things. I love her BECAUSE of these things. 

I'm not sure I even agree with the picture above....I don't see them as mistakes and weaknesses.  They aren't flaws in her character. They ARE her character. Those things make her three-dimensional.  There is no "still" in my thoughts; she just IS amazing. Her public face is wonderful and kind and beautiful....but kinda flat to me. I don't find the real her somehow flawed; I find her glorious.

I WANT her to be real. I want her to call/text me and unload all her baggage. Of course, I want to hear all her happy things, but I really want to hear all of her not-so-happy things. I want to both celebrate and cry with her, but the truth is that ANYONE could celebrate with her. I want to be with her even when she might consider herself "unfit for human consumption". I want her to know that I am always there, and there will never come a time that she isn't my family. There is nothing too awful, nothing that will make me turn away. I would hold back her hair while she vomited; I would sit with her even if she were contagious.

All I really know is that MY version of her is perfect just the way she is---perfectly imperfect in every way; she doesn't have to change or pretend.  All I know is that I love her. She is fearfully and wonderfully made; I love every single inch of her every single day. She is just so beautiful to me.....beautiful hair, eyes, nose...she even has beautiful fingers. Yeah, I said fingers. Every day I think that I love her as much as is humanly possible and then a new day comes and I love her more.

So she might be the only person who ever really sees this. And that's fine. She's the only one who really needs to hear it. Or maybe I just needed to say it.

And for those people who only get to see the public face, it is their loss. But I'm not sorry. I'm glad I get to see a part of her that most others don't.

Confessional Time: How I Spent My Summer

Today is the one year anniversary of Robin Williams's death, and it has me thinking. Without making myself sound like Picasso or anything, I have had a Blue Period this summer.

Admitting this makes me feel like a giant fraud. I'm embarrassed about it. It makes me feel so weak.

But I just got overwhelmed with stuff. And I did what people like me do when we get stuck in that place, I hid. I hid because I don't want to bring anyone down. I hid because I don't want people to see me as a burden. I hid because basically I am afraid of people, of rejection, of being alone. WAIT. WHAT? I hid out in my house most of the summer because I'm afraid of being alone? Hid from some of the people that mean the very most to me. That makes NO sense, but that's the conundrum of depression. Uh-uh....this isn't the face of depression....

Well, um, is THIS the face of depression?

I'm REALLY not good at asking for help or admitting that I'm scared or feeling alone. Obviously I'm not good at it. People don't even seem to know I'm asking. You remember that time I thought my daughter was paralyzed from a sledding accident and I was sitting in the ER waiting room by myself? No? Weird. What about when my husband's surgery had gone on three hours too long and I was in the waiting room alone in a strange city and scared to death? No? What about when the doctor told me I had a tumor growing in my nasal passage? Or when Nick couldn't stop vomiting? Or when Rick's bone graft failed?  Or when I thought Rick's career was over? Or when I thought my MARRIAGE was over? 

Oh, and I push people away. And I wait for people to call ME or text ME; I feel like if I am always the one to call or text, it is because my friends don't want to be bothered. I wonder if people miss me. I obsess over it. And I really worried that a relationship had ended this summer because I couldn't overcome the inertia and fear...

The only person who consistently forces me out of hiding is Erin but she has had 30 years of practice and somehow she just KNOWS. But the truth is, I'm really trying to do better. If I have ever said to you that I am feeling completely alone or I'm struggling or something like that, I'm trying to reach out. And I don't do that to just anyone. If I have said that to you, then I love and trust you immensely. I don't trust many people. And if I have ever admitted being scared, then I must love you above all else because that is something I almost never say. 

I have even forced MYSELF out of hiding several times this summer.....YAY ME! I have also stepped out and asked people to come see me and come do things with me, which opens me up to the rejection I fear so much. It's hard but I'm doing it; I just need to get to the point that people can really HEAR me. I wish Robin Williams had felt he could reach out and make himself heard too. I bet he had TONS of friends who would've been there if they had understood. I bet I do too. :)

And please don't let me push any of you away. No matter what it looks like, I DON'T want that. It would break my heart. 

The Indiana Conundrum...And Consequences

As is the case with many hot button issues in our world, the situation with Memories Pizza in Walkerton, Indiana causes a knee-jerk reaction in many of us. It certainly did with me. How DARE they discriminate against that couple! Why, the outrage was REAL!!!

But before people started boycotting their restaurant and such, maybe we should study what we are asking of them more closely because the situation isn't as easy as it might seem.

DISCLAIMER: Before anyone gets his/her panties all in a bunch, I'm only trying to show where the holes are in our logic. I'm not agreeing with the O'Connors' beliefs or espousing them myself. Everyone should know by now where I stand on gay marriage and homosexuality in general, but I HAVE to show you guys the can of worms we are opening here.

OK. So people seem to want the pizza place to be FORCED to cater a gay wedding. Even though it flies in the face of the religious beliefs of the people who own the restaurant. Sure OK, I hear you. You want to compare it to racial discrimination and not being able to sit at the lunch counter, etc. The first question that pops into my mind is this: Why would you want someone to cater your wedding who doesn't WANT to? I know that makes me sound like someone who has never suffered discrimination, and for the most part, that is true. It is the principle of it, I understand.

But now for something a little more pertinent: This gay couple is asking the proprietors of said restaurant to indirectly take part in a religious ceremony (even if the couple doesn't see it as a religious ceremony, most Christians see marriage as a religious rite sanctioned by God...a covenant before God...a sacrament) which is DIRECTLY in opposition with their beliefs. To "participate" in a religious ceremony that to some people amounts to near heresy. Just because we might believe that their beliefs are WRONG doesn't mean they can't have them. And those beliefs are protected under the Constitution. Now I get it that a business is not really supposed to have a faith....but the Hobby Lobby decision muddies those waters considerably.

The O'Connors have been very honest about what they believe. They do NOT discriminate against anyone who enters their restaurant to eat-all are welcome, but they don't want to be forced to participate in a gay wedding, even indirectly. Mr. O'Connor has stated that if he had a gay child, he would love that child but would NOT attend his/her wedding. And he has a right to hold those beliefs.

But now to the REAL CRUX of the matter: What will it really mean if businesses are forced to provide services to gay couples? OK HERE'S what it will mean. If companies cannot decline services based on religious beliefs, then if the Westboro Baptist Church people show up on your doorstep and want you to cater a huge anti-gay rally, you will HAVE to do it. If someone walks into your bakery and orders a cake that says, "Congratulations on your abortion; now you are going to hell", you will HAVE to make it. If you are a wedding planner and someone wants you to plan a satanist wedding complete with pentagrams and goat blood, you will HAVE to do it. It might even mean that if you are a Muslim or Jewish caterer, you might have to make and serve pork. I know those examples are ridiculous, but I'm using something extreme to show where this can go.

I HATE the idea that gay couples are being discriminated against because I don't really understand why everyone can't just live and let live. But problems arise when people want to protect ONE group, but sneer at others. I want to sneer at those groups too; they disgust me. But once we make a law about something, we will not be able to cherry pick to whom it will apply. And that isn't GOOD OR BAD...just equal. We have to be ready to trample people's beliefs equally...not JUST fundamentalist Christians. This is a much more complicated issue than just gay marriage.

Thoughts About Friendship and Love at Christmas

Last night, I was having a conversation with my mom about the nature of true friendship. It isn't really a traditional topic for us on Christmas Day, but it just came up because Mom had something on her mind....musings about how differently people view friendship and what that means. Then, "coincidentally" the same topic came up while I was watching Dr. Who.

Doctor Who - Season 8 - Dark Water

Clara: You’re going to help me?
The Doctor: Well, why wouldn’t I help you?
Clara: Cos of what I just did. I just…
The Doctor: You betrayed me. Betrayed my trust, you betrayed our friendship, you betrayed everything that I’ve ever stood for. You let me down!
Clara: Then why are you helping me?
The Doctor: Why? Do you think I care for you so little that betraying me would make a difference?

Those of you who really know me will know that the reason for the quotation marks is that I don't believe in coincidence.

This tiny Dr. Who segment might be the truest statement about the nature of love that I have ever heard. It's just......fact. I have a handful of friends in my life (two really) who I can honestly say that I doubt that betrayal would change a thing. I don't do love with a contingency plan. There is no pre-nup or backup plan. I don't love them and do things for them with a checklist of what they must do in return.

And on occasion, I've been let down. It happens. Nothing is perfect. There have been times that I haven't gotten back the care and love I have put in. There are times when I have felt left out, neglected, or ignored. That just happens. BUT there have been lots more times that I have gotten back what I put in in ABUNDANCE. But that ISN'T really the point at all. Friendship isn't really about what you are going to receive....you know, like Christmas.

Love is an action. Love is a promise. And friendship is a deep promise in my world. In some ways, it could seem like such a risk. Friends are not bound to you by some contract. You don't have to divorce a friend. Theoretically, there is nothing to keep you from turning your back and walking away from your friend (who without friendship is nothing more than a random stranger). Friendship can't try to glue itself together with sex or kids or responsibilities.

For me, though, the bonds of friendship are a lifeline that keeps me sane. Friends stave off depression and help me fight crippling insecurity. And, frankly, reinforce the idea that I am valuable.

And because of that, there is no end to what I am willing to give; that's what friends do, especially in the Southern tradition. Is that always totally healthy for me? Maybe not. But that isn't going to change it, and I truly don't care. Have you read The Giving Tree? I cry every time I read it because I relate to the tree....not AT ALL because my friends treat me like the boy treats the tree. But because if they had the inclination to treat me that way, I wouldn't stop it. My life is sort of built around giving; I'm not saying that to make myself sound good...it probably makes me sound like a doormat. It is just in my nature to give and try not to ask for much.

So the Doctor is right; there isn't a lot that should change real love. And friendship is a truly special subset of love. A daily choice. And a choice that I will continue to make, over and over. I will never regret loving my sweet friends.

Most Important Friend

I know I haven't posted in a really long time. This is a crazy time of year, and frankly I just didn't have anything to talk about. But this week, something kind of unusual happened to me, and I feel like I need to share.

I have this friend "Susan" who called me because she was struggling with something. She was very reluctant to tell me about it, even though it was clearly bothering her. She prefaced her concerns by telling me that after I heard what she had to say, I would probably not want to be her friend anymore and would probably head for the hills.

See, Susan has bought into the idea that she is crazy and everyone around her is sane. She really believes that the things she feels would be foreign to anyone else.

So she tells me that she feels hurt that I chose to do something with another friend instead of calling her. She wanted to know if I ever thought about calling her. Then she begged me not to think that she didn't ever want me to do anything with other people....

Interestingly, though, she really didn't have to explain much to me. It didn't take me long to ascertain that she wasn't jealous, but she feels like she loves her friends more than they love her.

I understand that feeling FAR TOO WELL.

I've basically been told that in one form or another all my life.

I struggle with that same feeling quite often.

See, for Susan it isn't about wanting to be someone's ONLY friend...not at all. It is about wanting to be someone's MOST IMPORTANT friend. She wants a friendship in which she KNOWS without a doubt that if that other person could choose only one or two people out of ALL their friends to spend time with, that other person would pick her. It isn't a matter of that person ALWAYS calling her and never anyone else. It is the idea of knowing that if that person had to pick their MOST IMPORTANT friend, it would be her.



I feel that way too...lots of times. I have a total complex that I am nothing but a burden to people. I'm quite introverted and am truly only comfortable with a handful of people, and enumerating most two most important friends is a complete no brainer.

Given the choice, I would spend time with only those two friends. But the truth is, if I have asked someone to do something with me and have been turned down more than once (esp if that person then goes to do the very same activity with another friend), I start to wonder if that person didn't want to do the activity or just didn't want to do it with ME.  I don't like pushing myself on people, and I have a deep-seated need to know that people are consciously CHOOSING me....that I'm not just a fall-back person (which is like being the platonic friendship version of the "side piece") :)

Are we the oddballs here?
Do others feel this way? I'm guessing the answer has to be yes, but are the others only people found in mental institutions?!? :)

People like Susan and me need the big gesture. We need to hear fairly often that we really do mean something to our friends and loved ones. And we really do need that one friend that we KNOW without a doubt would always pick us. Because, well, you know that when the zombie apocalypse comes, allegiances are hard to come by. :D

So I guess the point of all this is, lots of you out there might not be like us. Maybe you are a total extrovert who is convinced that everyone loves you. No joke. I'm guessing there are really people out there like that. Or maybe you are such a loner that you don't care about that. But if you have someone special in your life who is like us, I'm giving you a special guide for our care and feeding. Please acknowledge us as your most important friend if that is the way you feel. It isn't that we doubt  being loved; it is more that we doubt being loved in any special way, despite the fact that we LOVE others in that way. We really need to get it back. We need to occasionally feel really special