A Happy Message for a Rough Day

I have been suffering from a building migraine all day long. It tends to happen when the barometric pressure changes, and it is just a fact I have to live with. So I choose to search for the things that are happy and positive when I feel like my head is about to explode. :) Like the fact that I have eight more school days until my spring break trip to Kansas. Yay!

So today I am going to focus again on one of my favorite topics.....love. When I decide to love someone, it is fierce, deep, and forever. I am not given to doing things halfway. I didn't date a lot and I don't have a lot of friends---mostly because I don't fool around and I don't waste time on relationships that are just going to be superficial.

So....when I heard the song "Soldier" by Gavin DeGraw the first time, I wanted to cry because it more or less sums up EVERYTHING about me. When I am your friend, I am willing to go to great lengths to "be there". That is really important for me. And the truth is, you need to let me be there; that is very fulfilling for me. The only thing I ask in return is that you be there for me too.

Here's the problem with me though. I have a really hard time asking people for what I want and need. I don't like to be an inconvenience or a bother, and I am so sensitive to that that I will try everything else before asking for help. This is why sometimes people think I can't handle "no". It really isn't that. The truth is that I hold it all back so long that by the time I finally find something important enough to ask about, it is SO important that if the person says no, it crushes me. Plus, I rarely tell anyone "no"....I haven't told my BFF no in the whole 11 years I have known her.

So I decided to give the sign language thing another go...even though I am pretty bad at it. I signed "Soldier" as a nod to the people I love....my family and friends. If I have ever been there when you needed me, then chances are I always will be.

My Effort at Sign Language as Tribute to the Sweetest Girl

I thought I would post this video as a tribute to my dear sweet friend Josie Carlton. You inspired me to give it a try. Please don't anyone think this is some kind of cry for help...I picked the song becuase it was SLOW, EASY, and pretty. LOL

Lent Post: Is It OK to Be Mad at God?

I was tempted to start off this blog entry by asking if any of you had ever been angry with God...but I'm not going to do that. If I ask that, I am just setting you up to lie. I fully believe that EVERYONE has been angry with God at one time or another, but a lot of you out there would probably not want to admit it. I'm not really sure why....

Maybe the deal is that it makes us feel unfaithful. If you REALLY think about it, though, that line of thought makes no sense. If we didn't BELIEVE in God and His power, then we wouldn't be angry with Him. You can't be angry with something or someone you don't even believe exists.

I'm angry with God right now. I will freely admit that to you. Really really angry.

And I certainly don't want to hear all the platitudes..TRUST ME...I've heard them.

First, let me say this....God can handle us being angry. It really isn't any different from when we as parents deal with our toddlers having a tantrum. We don't stop loving our children when they have tantrums. We simply realize that it is a developmental response to frustration...to not being able to truly articulate their needs, to not be able to understand why they are not the center of the universe. Is it all that different from us? We can't understand God's methods or the larger plan...and sometimes that makes us frustrated, angry, and confused. (If you are interested in reading more about this from someone much more respected and learned than I am, read the book When Bad Things Happen to Good People)

I am all those things right now. I am confused and angry and frustrated. There are days when I feel like a three year old pounding my fists on the ground. I don't understand what God intends, and I cannot make sense of the things being placed in my path. I feel lost. And, boy oh boy, have I been telling him about it!

Still nothing.

And I'm still angry.

But eventually I figure God will let me in on SOME part of the plan. At least I hope so. And I keep praying, even if they aren't the sweetest of prayers. At least they are honest. At least I am not trying to hide from God the feelings He already KNOWS I'm having. What point would there be in lying to Him AND myself? I'm not going to be one of those people who goes around spouting how blessed I am while keeping my disappointment and frustration all bottled up in a tiny corner of my heart....for it to just grow and grow into something dark and ugly. I'm going to drag it out into the light and embrace it. God can handle it.

20 of My Favorite Things

You know how every year when it is getting close to Christmas, Oprah used to do the show about her favorite things and the audience members used to lose their minds when she gave them one of everything?

This is the opposite of that.

I'm not famous, and I certainly don't have unlimited financial resources. I can guarantee you that I am not wearing a $452 Lotus Pearl pushup bra from La Perla like Oprah. I'm not even going to try and tell you about stuff like that....what the heck would I know about it? I'm lucky if today is the day I am wearing a matching bra and panty set from Victoria's Secret instead of something I got at Target last weekend.

I'm just going to tell you about regular people things. The things that make me happy...comfort foods, special clothing items, places I like and things I like to do.

A little happiness and sunshine on a bleak Monday night (when I know that school has a 2 hour delay in the morning)

1. All things peppermint. I love a pink peppermint pig latte (sugar free peppermint and sugar free almond syrup), ooooh and chocolate peppermint Luna bars and Thin Mints and York peppermint patties

2. Coconut almond milk....I use this to make protein smoothies for breakfast. It is also great on cereal if you eat cereal. Delicious stuff.

3. Knitted booties. I got mine from Old Navy. I LOVE LOVE them. I do not like wearing socks and I do not like house slippers, but these things are perfect.

4. The Dr. Who T.A.R.D.I.S. cardigan....lovingly referred to as the TARDIGAN. It is the nerdiest of nerdy things...which makes it just about perfect....it goes great with my Dr. #4 socks

5. Converse tennis shoes...any color, any style. I wear Converse to school almost every day, alternating with Toms.

6. These FABULOUSLY comfortable pants I just got at Target.....I can't tell you how much I love them.

7. The majestic Basset hound

 8. My hot pink CHI flat iron......I only wish it had an automatic shutoff

 9. My pink boxing gloves....they are great for stress relief.

 10. Brussel sprouts. I love these wittle baby cabbages. They are great steamed, sauteed, roasted, pretty much every way

 11. I love the simplicity and zen quality of a good old fashioned bubble bath....as hot as I can stand it so that I can stay in it for a long time. I prefer a tub with jets but that isn't necessary.

 12. Crossword puzzles. I like them so much that I have a crossword puzzle app on my phone. I work them in the paper. I take crossword puzzle books on long trips. I also like to work them in pen.

 13. All things Halloween. It is my very favorite holiday. Scary movies, haunted houses, reality shows about ghosts.

 14. This is my favorite Dr. Seuss. I'm not sure why I like this so much. Just looking at the cover makes me flashback to childhood

 15. Pistachios are delicious. End of story.

16. The Broadway Lion King. I started crying at the very beginning. Those mechanical animal costumes the actors wear are the most amazing things.

 17. Ripstik-ing makes me feel like a silly kid. I fell off in front of a car in the Bradley Elementary parking lot two years ago and bounced my head off the pavement...wasn't wearing a helmet. Embarrassing.

18. Like Shelby's signature colors of blush and bashful in Steel Magnolias, Samsara is my signature fragrance. If we are real face-to-face friends, you know EXACTLY what this smells like...it smells like STACY.

19. I have developed an addiction to scarves from my friend Cassie Tucker. I wear them all the time, even in the summer. I have a red one that I wear with a black and white striped shirt; when I wear this, my family says I look like a mime. 

 20. Scottish accents. I know you can't buy one, but I do love to listen to it. Like Amy Pond and the 10th doctor. Like Sean Connery. Like the yummy Ewan McGregor.

So while this is not in any way an exhaustive list, I am going to stop for tonight. I figure 20 is a nice round number. :)

Jealousy....My Favorite Color is Green But This Is Ridiculous!

You know how when things are all going well and you are happy, it is a great time for those little intrusive thoughts to come in and start haunting you? No? Really?

You know that Abilify commercial where the woman is being followed around by the dark cloud? I feel like that but mine isn't a dark cloud of depression. It is weird little squiggles that represent thoughts....stupid thoughts...thoughts about stuff from 10 years ago...stuff from high school....stuff from when we lived in Virginia....it is like PTSD. I relive situations over and over, and I even live out scenarios of things that haven't happened yet and conversations I haven't had.

This is how my head feels any time I am alone:

This is why I HATE to be alone. I don't do this too much when people are with me. If I am having REAL conversations, the imaginary ones are unnecessary. My mind just HAS to fill up any quiet time. This is why I have ALWAYS listened to music or had the TV on when I am home alone or am trying to study. 

If you do not have intrusive thoughts, I cannot imagine what you do with your spare time. LOL I have never known a time without them. I would call them my oldest friends, but I HATE THEIR GUTS WITH A FIERY PASSION. They remind me of all the things from the past that have EVER hurt me...they make me feel like a puppet. No wonder I HATE puppets! 

And today, the thoughts are all about jealousy. Those are the thoughts I will be fighting off today.

It's stupid and a waste of time and I don't want to have those thoughts anymore but I don't know how to make them stop. This is what I am going to tell myself today:

It's Valentine's Day.....Time for a Love Post

It's a big word....really big. Our society thinks it means lots of different things.

It DOESN'T.

I don't love chocolate. I don't love Dr. Who. I don't love the color green.

We hear the word so much that it has kinda lost all meaning at times. People who barely know each other throw it around. We have been brainwashed into thinking love is a feeling and we fall in and out of it.....because our hearts are just that fickle.

Love is NOT a feeling. It is an action, a choice. It is work and sacrifice. And love is the same whether I am talking about Rick or Leigh or Erin or Christa or Mom or Dolly Anne or JoAnn or Sarah or Nick....the actions required are the exact same. Sure, we may demonstrate it differently....for instance, Rick is the only one I have sex with....but the actions required to maintain love are the same. Because the truth is that while sex is a really important part of intimacy, I would not love Rick any less if we could never have sex again. My love for him wasn't built on anything physical and wouldn't be destroyed by the lack thereof. I would miss it but it wouldn't change a thing.

We have been fed a steady diet of butterflies in our stomach, Prince Charming, sweep us off our feet, always feeling that smitten feeling.....and that is a total load of crap. All that stupid stuff sets each generation up for disappointment and divorce.

Real love is none of that...that is FALLING in love. Remaining in love requires hard hard work. It also isn't 50/50. Over time I guess it might average out to 50/50, but on any given day, you might find that it is 70/30 or 40/60 depending on what each person has to give that day. But the truth is that each person's heart has to be in it 100% every day. Some days you might even wake up not liking that face next to you...or you might be ticked off at something your BFF said, and those are the days that require the CHOICE to stay in it.

We are each gross, selfish, narcissistic lumps of flesh. We each want what we want. And it takes tremendous dedication to overcome that.....to decide that another person is worth it.

If your significant other...spouse, BFF, whatever....has never disappointed you, let you down, pissed you off or broken your heart, I'm here to tell you that your love hasn't been proven. It is what you do in these moments that defines what your relationship really means.

If you are not willing to hold back that person's hair while he/she vomits (even if you KNOW it is going to make you gag too), to drop EVERYTHING when that person really needs something, to sacrifice something you want for his/her happiness, to go and do things you really don't like because that other person loves it, or to meet that person in an undisclosed location in Louisiana with some shovels, lye, and a tarp without asking questions (that one is for you, Leigh), I would tell you that you might not love that person as much as you think.

I'm going to include two clips from Dr. Who that really sum up love....the choice to love despite all reason, the choice to love even when it is ultimate sacrifice---when love is doomed---when they know they can never truly be together. Because THAT'S what love's about, my friends.

Honesty and Autism...What My Little Friends Know That YOu Don't

I spend the bulk of my days surrounded by awesome little people. Seriously folks.

It is funny to me when people tell me that they couldn't do what I do or that I have a heart of gold or whatever. It's HILARIOUS actually.



I'm SOOOOOOOO flawed. I'm terribly needy, terribly jealous, deeply afraid of being abandoned by the people who say they love me. I'm impatient, a worrier, testy, and I HATE repeating myself. I mentally correct people's grammar, get ticked off when people are late, and constantly feel like I'm not getting back as much love as I put out. I worry that the people I love the most are replacing me with other people if I am not there. In short, I'm a pretty awful human. But guess what?

My little pals don't care. My little pals never hold a grudge. They don't care if I'm having a bad hair day or my clothes look like crap. They don't care if I don't have a PhD. They just want me THERE. They don't need a perfect teacher with perfect lesson plans who has it all together; they need a teacher who cares more about communicating than teaching.....who cares more about why than what. What they want more than anything else is what we ALL want...they strive for connection. But the wires are all loose.



There is a prevailing myth that people with autism don't express emotion...that you get very little back from them. For the most part that is CRAP. My little buddies give me so much back everyday. It is a matter of knowing how to listen. And what I get back is very pure. I NEVER overthink or second-guess whether they are happy, whether they love me, whether they are feeling angry or sad. No ulterior motives. No agendas. A moment of connection, a smile, a hug, a happy little song is worth its weight in gold. More often than not, I bask in a little warm pool of pure love from them...with the occasional slap or scratch (or scream right in my face) just to keep me grounded! :)



Maybe it seems second nature to me because I love puzzles and autism is like a puzzle...one where I have no picture to use as a guide....or maybe one with no edge pieces to help. I wish I could convinvce the world that people with autism just ROCK. Yeah yeah yeah. They can be frustrating, unyielding, obsessive, too loud, hyperfocused.....but that really also describes most people I know at one time or another. It CERTAINLY describes me.



This week, one of my students has started asking for me while he is at home. That is a BIG FREAKING DEAL. You don't understand. That's like a Grammy, an Emmy, an Oscar, and a Pulitzer Prize all mixed up together....except in the long run it means so much more to me that any of those things. It means I'm IN HIS WORLD. Even when we are not at school. He thinks about me...in a good way. I LOVE him.